Nick Prueher and Joe Pickett, co-creators, co-curators, and hosts of the Found Footage Festival, have spent many an afternoon elbows-deep in such thrift-store video bins, and the fruits of their labor are screened, for a live audience, at shows around the country. Sometimes awkward, always hilarious, this “found footage” serves as an authentic historical marker of consumer, health, educational, and fashion trends from the past several decades. And damn. People were funny.

[The Found Footage Festival is currently on tour! Click here to see when it hits your city!]

Rooftop spoke to Nick about his favorite types of clips, those dadgum Internets, and the magic of the movies.

ROOFTOP: Do you find all of the footage yourselves, or do you take submissions?

NICK PRUEHER: We find a lot of the videos ourselves at thrift stores and garage sales, but we always welcome submissions. Whenever somebody sends us a VHS tape they’ve found somewhere, it’s like Christmas morning for us. We just can’t wait to open up the package and pop it in the VCR.

ROOFTOP: How much footage do you get from people who had some part in creating it, versus submissions from people who serendipitously stumbled upon random gems?

PRUEHER: In general, we don’t take footage if the person involved in it sent it to us. Our criteria are that the footage has to be legitimately found somewhere, so that sort of feels like cheating. For us, the story of how a video was found is sometimes just as interesting as what’s on the tape. Plus, it’s always more fun watching something you’re not supposed to be watching. If the creator sanctioned it, it would seem lame.

ROOFTOP: Tell us about some of your all-time favorite footage.

PRUEHER: Boy, it changes from time to time, but right now I’m really enamored with this public access TV show from Austin, Texas, called “At Home with English.” It was this eight-episode series starring an adorable man with a mustache who attempted to teach non-English speakers some common English phrases. But instead of presenting ordinary situations, like “Where is the bathroom?” the scenarios become increasingly bizarre. In one scene, the phrase is “The short man eats chicken every day.” We were in Austin on Sunday and actually tracked the guy down. He still looks and talks the same.

Watch Found Footage!

ROOFTOP: Can you think of any funny “what the FUCK?” moments, about watching footage that either did or didn’t make it into a screening?

PRUEHER: Yes, one comes to mind. It’s this fan video that a young woman made for guitarist Steve Vai, and to prove her devotion for him, she performed various odd sexual stunts on video. I don’t how to describe them other than to say they involve blowing out candles with body parts other than her mouth. Pretty goofy stuff, but the woman clearly has a few screws loose, so it’s more disturbing than funny. Ultimately, that’s why it didn’t make it into the show.

ROOFTOP: How long does it take you, generally, to collect enough footage for an entire screening?

PRUEHER: We travel around the country for about a year, doing the show and scouring thrift stores and garage sales for videos during the day. Then, at the end of the year, we lock ourselves in a room and try to get through as much footage as we can. Then we take three months to pick out our favorite parts and edit them together into a comedy show.

ROOFTOP: Has the format or “hidden gem” feel of the festival changed since the birth of video-sharing sites like YouTube?

PRUEHER: We’ve been collecting videos and sharing them with friends since 1991, so we weren’t sure how the advent of YouTube would affect our show. But we’ve found that it’s actually increased awareness and appreciation of weird footage. Also, I think now that there’s this glut of funny videos out there right now, people are looking for curators and tour guides who can wade through it all and present just the cream of the crop. Luckily, we’ve developed a pretty high tolerance for terrible videos over the years and are willing to suffer for other people’s entertainment. Lastly, there’s just something magical that happens when you bring 200 people in a room, project videos you found in garbage cans on the big screen, and give people permission to laugh at them. That’s something you can’t get in your inbox at work.

ROOFTOP: Have there been any clips that you were dying to include, either in a screening or on a DVD, but can’t because of distribution rights issues?

PRUEHER: Nope, we’ve never run into any rights issues with the festival because we’re covered under fair use and satire laws. We’re taking short clips from much longer videos, talking over them and putting them into the context of a comedy show. Besides, I just don’t think the production company behind the instructional video for the Hairdini Magic Styling Wand – if it still exists – is that interested in coming after two dudes who collect video in Queens.

Brett Favre returned to Lambeau Field, the New York-Philadelphia rivalry spread to the gridiron, and Cleveland’s season actually got sadder. There was no Sunday Night Football, ostensibly because of the World Series, but realistically, it’s because Bob Costas has to get a chemical peel and synthesize a new toupee every year at mid season. The NFC West is terrible, the NFC East is suddenly wide open, and while half of the AFC North had a bye week, the Ravens played with the strength of four teams against Denver. Meanwhile, Cleveland was about as dominant as the Gimp from “Pulp Fiction.” To the games!

Indianapolis 18, San Francisco 14

The 49ers are now 3-4, but two of those losses were “moral victories”: keeping it close on the road against superior teams. Which makes them the Bad News Bears of the NFL.  If the 49ers end up tied for first place in the NFC West at the end of the year, and their head-to-head, divisional, and conference records are all even, and strength of schedule is a wash, and the coin they flip keeps landing on its edge instead of settling on heads or tails, then their moral victory total just might end up the tiebreaker.

Again, a team left too much time on the clock for Peyton Manning at the end of the first half. The 49ers ran a nice two-minute drill and scored with 33 seconds left, but they only gained four points in the exchange when Indy drove down to the 14. Arguably, Indianapolis got too conservative, kicking with six seconds to spare. The game-winning touchdown came on a pass from running back Joseph Addai, who pulled a reverse Princess Bride maneuver, surprising the 49ers defenders who did not realize he was indeed left-handed.

Carolina 34, Arizona 21

The Jake Delhomme Redemption  is in full effect. Delhomme threw five interceptions against Arizona in last year’s playoffs, resulting in a huge upset loss and a downward spiral for Carolina that left them 3-4 this year.  Now, in a forgettable Week 8 rematch, he’s vanquished his opponent. Carolina ran the ball 44 times and called only 15 passes, which might have been a few too many for safety with Delhomme at the wheel. John Fox went with the “Rain Man” strategy – letting Delhomme drive, but only slowly, on the driveway.

Kurt Warner threw five interceptions, and by halftme, his wife was calling radio stations to pre-emptively complain about the impending criticism. Much like Warner himself, the Cardinals hate being at home – they’re 1-3 in Glendale, 3-0 on the road.

San Diego 24, Raiders 16

In the season’s most hilarious play so far, two Raiders receivers collided and fell down with about a minute to go.Through no fault on his own (this one time!) JaMarcus Russell had his most successful game, with only one interception, and broke the century mark for yardage. If only an NFL team could earn points for how many times its fans called the opposing fans “faggots”. Because that is something Raider Nation did a lot this week.

Chicago 30, Cleveland 6

This is how bad Cleveland is: Chicago won by 24 points, and the post-game talk from Chicago is pure misery. At least the Bears have the self-awareness to realize that a 24-point home victory against the
Browns is the equivalent of a seven-to-ten-point loss against any other NFL team, and a three-point win if they’re playing Detroit. Jay Cutler was sacked four times, and his mouth bled steadily for most of the second half. He’s lucky the game wasn’t played in Cleveland, or he would have ended up with a staph infection.

Derek Anderson had another terrible game, and has moved from unhappiness and self-criticism to pure existential dread in his post-game comments, saying, “I’m not happy about anything.” Meanwhile, Cleveland won’t play the slightly-less-horrible Brady Quinn because if he takes 70% of the snaps, it will trigger an escalator clause in his contract, which the Browns don’t want to pay. Intentionally sabotaging the team’s season to save money: a good way to inspire confidence from your players. Cleveland also fired its GM this week, even though there’s no way trading exclusively for the Jets’ unwanted players is his idea and not Coach Mangini’s. Security took him out of the team facility when he refused to resign on his own (which would also save money). Maybe the GM insulted one of LeBron’s friends?

Dallas 38, Seattle 17

The Dread Pirate Romo took no prisoners in this one, throwing to ten different receivers for 250 yards and three TDs. Miles Austin caught a touchdown pass, but then shamed himself when he tried and failed to
dunk the ball over the crossbar. Austin should have to wear a Steve Nash jersey next week as penance. Wade Phillips continued to spite fantasy players by splitting carries among three running backs, and Julius Jones continued to frustrate fantasy owners by being Julius Jones.

Seattle dropped to 2-5, getting blown out for the fourth time this year. Normally this would mean they’re not making the playoffs, but they play in the NFC West, where a 7-9 record could take the division. Seattle still gets to play Tampa, Detroit, Tennessee, and the Rams, so closing the season with a 5-4 run is not at all improbable. God, what a depressing division.

Eagles 40, Giants 17

The Eagles-Giants clash took place across the street from where the Phillies and Yankees would face off a few hours later. That meant twelve straight hours of drinking for Philadelphia fans.  This game was never in doubt, as the Eagles jumped out to such a big lead, the only way they could have blown it was to bring in Brad Lidge to run the Wildcat in the 4th quarter. I don’t know how that would work – somehow Johnny Damon catches a shotgun snap and runs it back for a TD because Lidge isn’t paying attention and wanders away from the line of scrimmage, and Ryan Howard whiffs on a tackle.

Meanwhile, the pseudo-Seans again had a field day for Philadelphia. DeSean Jackson caught a long TD pass, and LeSean McCoy had a 66-yard touchdown run. The lesson? The Phillies could have used third baseman Chone Figgins to chase down Johnny Damon later that night.

Baltimore 30, Denver 7

The Broncos fell from the ranks of the undefeated, thanks to a game-breaking kickoff return by Lardarius Webb, which is the first time in NFL history “Darius” has been preceded by that particular phoneme. In the first quarter, Ed Reed hit Knowshon Moreno so hard, Moreno thought he was back at Georgia for the rest of the first half. More like No-shon, amirite people?

This game ended up a rout, the point that Mercury Morris decided to go wine shopping in the fourth quarter. Morris, along with the other veterans of the 1973 Miami Dolphins have a tradition where they open a bottle of champagne once the last undefeated team in the league loses, to preserve their place in NFL history.  The 2007 Patriots veterans have a similar tradition, where they open a bottle and pour it and then Justin Tuck bursts in and slaps the glasses out of their hands and also somehow David Tyree is balancing a full magnum of Dom Perrignon on top of his head.

Miami 30, New York Jets 25

The Jets played this game in weird throwback uniforms that made them look like the San Diego Chargers.  This is fitting, as the Jets and Chargers are both known for trash-talking, showboating, and not being nearly as good as they think they are. Of course, the Chargers can actually beat the Dolphins, so, point for San Diego. Ted Ginn had return TDs of 100 and 101 yards in the second half, and the Jets might be regretting trading their best special teams player for Braylon Edwards.

Last time Miami beat the Jets, linebacker Bart Scott said the Miami “Wildcat” was a “gimmick offense”, apparently not up to Scott’s manly standards. After another loss, Scott criticized:

- Ted Ginn’s “pussy-ass dodging and juking.”
- Wide receiver Greg Camarillo (”nerd”), and his “fucking book-learning.”
- Why Chad Henne’s “always gotta yell the snap count all loud
sometimes even though he’s not snapping it, like a fag.”
- Miami’s mascot (”Dolphins are the queers of the fish kingdom!”)

Houston 31, Buffalo 10

This was a matchup of two cities that were screwed by the Tennessee Titans: Houston, by the Oilers/Titans moving away; Buffalo by the Music City Miracle in 2000. That amazing victory should have been payback for Buffalo’s magical comeback versus Houston in the 1993 Frank Reich game, but since the team moved, only the franchise itself got vindication. To make matters worse, the name of the magical game only rubbed it in Houston’s face – it’s the MUSIC CITY miracle, not the “Home Run Throwback,” or “that game that might have been fixed by gamblers.”

While this game crushed Buffalo’s meager playoff hopes, I still contend that Houston is not making the playoffs either. It looks like they’re on track – they’re 5-3, 3-1 on the road – but they’re still looking at two losses against the Colts, at least one more road loss, and then a crushing home defeat to the Patriots in the season finale, culminating in a 9-7 record, a missed playoff berth, and drafting between 12 and 16 for yet another year. But take heart, Houston fans: Tracy McGrady should be back in time to lose in the first round of the playoffs next spring!

St. Louis 17, Detroit 10

The Rams got their first win of the season, while Detroit is trying to prove it’s actually worse than they were in last year’s 0-16 campaign. Stephen Jackson had a huge game, including his first rushing touchdown of the year. Jackson is still one of the best running backs in the league. Among all the terrible players on both teams was reminiscent, he was one shining beacon of talent and quality football. It was like seeing Danny Almonte destroy opponents in the Little League World Series when he was two years older than all the other
kids. For his own sake – and the safety of their own defensive players in practice – the Rams need to trade Jackson to a real team.

After the game, Rams coach Steve Spagnuolo said, “We’re not going to be blinded by one game. We’re 1-7.” However, it appears the Lions may have been blinded by their one victory, beating the Redskins and
deciding to call it a season. This game was full of horrible plays, from a Rams cornerback intercepting a pass, then running back into the end zone for a safety, to the Lions giving up a long touchdown pass to
the opposing placekicker. It’s a rare game that inspires an AP copy editor to use the word “Yuck” in a headline, but this one did it.

Tennessee 30, Jacksonville 13

Vince Young made his first start of the year, and the Titans won their first game, leaving Tampa the only winless team in the NFL. Chris Johnson ran for 228 yards, which probably pissed off Kerry Collins. Johnson had TD runs of 52 and 89 yards, while Maurice Jones-Drew scored from 79 and 80 yards out.  Basically, both teams played defense the way Plaxico Burress carries a gun into a nightclub: no safeties.

Minnesota 38, Green Bay 26

The Green Bay-Brett Favre has officially entered the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston arena. Packer fans are being polite, even though you know it’s KILLING them to see Minnesota beat them twice, and start the year 7-1, and pick up a Best Actor Oscar nomination. At the same time, they’re trying to talk themselves into Aaron Rodgers as a totally adequate replacement, as if he’s Vince Vaughn. “Just look how he throws the long ball! That sack rate is going to go down! Look how well ‘The Breakup’ did on DVD!”  Also, it wouldn’t surprise me if Favre tried to adopt Visanthe Shiancoe.

Johnny Jolley cost the Packers four points with a stupid head butt of Adrian Peterson that extended a Vikings drive, and got them a touchdown instead of a field goal. Jolley’s move was much like eating at a Jollibee, only the head butt is delivered to your stomach, and it costs you the ability to have a normal bowel movement for two days.

New Orleans 35, Atlanta 27

The Saints are like Colts South: two undefeated teams with high-powered offenses that cause a lot of turnovers. Of course, thanks to the NFL’s nonsensical geography, the Colts also play in the South Division.  Atlanta pulled off the impressive, Madden-inspired gambit of kicking a field goal while down eleven, and then quickly kicking onside.  They got the ball back, but ran out of time. In what must be a relief to the people of Louisiana, the AP sports writers are still referencing Hurricane Katrina in their game summaries.

Sean Keane is a stand up comedian, writer, and sports fan based in San Francisco, Ca. He has written for ESPN the magazine, Mc Sweeney’s, and the ever popular NBA tumblr.

Perhaps the best part about WitStream is that the users (including Matt Braunger, Rob Delaney, Myq Kaplan, and Laurie Kilmartin) engage in conversation with each other in a way that’s easy for an audience to follow. No “@” symbols and re-tweets here; comedians ruffle each others’ feathers in real time, and you get to watch.

The site officially launches today, November 2, and is celebrating with an A-list show TONIGHT at Comix, featuring Michael Showalter, Baron Vaughn, Pete Holmes, Doug Benson, Josh Fadem, Morgan Murphy, and, of course, MIB himself.

Rooftop managed to tear our eyes away from WitStream activity long enough to catch up with Queen Bee Lisa Cohen.

ROOFTOP: Who came up with WitStream?

LISA COHEN: Yours truly! I was on jury duty in January and I was playing with my phone out of boredom. I was on Facebook, and I realized that usually there’s nothing to read. Nothing good on people’s updates. Just crap.

I had Facebook friends who were comedians who didn’t have fan pages, or they had a 5000-person fan limit on their page. Some of them, you couldn’t even friend them because they had hit their limit. I thought it would be really great if I could get rid of the other stuff and just follow these funny guys and be entertained. If you like a comedian, it’s usually because you like their personality, not just their jokes. That immediate connection to a performer is a really unique thing to stand-up comedy.

ROOFTOP: How did you connect with Michael Ian Black for this project?

COHEN: We knew a couple of people in common, and Michael is obviously one of the better Twitter users out there. He’s always on the list of who to follow when you’re on Twitter. He’s a great writer, and saw WitStream as having potential to turn tweeting into a real art form.

ROOFTOP: What makes WitStream different from, say, a Twitter aggregator?

COHEN: There’s a whole language to Twitter, and it makes it very difficult to read. I want to get rid of all those codes, the hash marks, the abbreviations, to make it really accessible and make it easy for people to read and follow the conversation.

Twitter is really a double-edged sword for me. It’s a great way to get the word out about my own projects, but at the same time, there’s this assumption that it is the main platform for this type of writing, and it’s become so big that it’s turning into a marketing tool. And the people who are actually using it creatively don’t belong in this gigantic sea of people who are using it for cooking and medicine. Every brand out there is now tweeting. Twitter is going to become more and more commercial. If you think about the TV model, you watch a half hour of television and 22 minutes of it is actual content. Twitter is become less and less about content and more and more about marketing, and I think the content needs to be in its own space.

There are Twitter aggregators out there and it doesn’t take a lot of knowledge to compile a list like that, but that’s where I think me and Michael can take it a step further, and make WitStream like our own show that we’re producing. Because, on the aggregators, the users aren’t conversing with each other.

ROOFTOP: Are you hoping to create a conversation between the comedians and users, or will the comment function be strictly for participating comedians, and users will observe their banter?

COHEN: Right now, the subscribers are just observing, but, as I’m learning, the site is a very living, breathing organism that will grow based on what our users need. For sure, there are a lot of huge fans out there who would love to connect with the WitStream comedians. And the contributors will really benefit a lot from giving users a bit of access. The thing that these comedians really  love about Twitter is the ability to connect with people.

We’re thinking about giving subscribers their own feed, and the ability to customize and sort their own lists, or comment on comedians’ posts without adding to the feed. There’s a benefit to be able to create this private workout room for comedians that the rest of us can eavesdrop on.

After all, these are the guys who are constantly jawing, and watching them try to outdo each other is a show in and of itself.

ROOFTOP: Does WitStream collect ALL tweets from each participating comedian, or do you pick and choose what’s funniest? Are the participants logging into WitStream separately from Twitter to tweet there?

COHEN: The people who are on Twitter have a choice, wherein we can pull their tweets simultaneously, or they can post on WitStream and we’ll put it back on Twitter for them. We want to make it easy on people. We don’t want them to change their lives. Our hope is that they’ll decide that WitStream is a more fruitful experience for them than Twitter, but for now, we can make sure their stuff lives on both places.

Ultimately, we can exist without Twitter, but I don’t need to take Twitter down.

ROOFTOP: Yet?

COHEN: Yet.

One-quarter of Boston’s beloved morning show sausage fest The Sandbox on 101.7 WFNX radio (92.1 in New Hampshire, for the yokels), Ed — also the show’s producer — is super picky about the funny. (He does like a good fart joke, but it has to be well-crafted. Finessed. Seamless. Did you know there’s a fart art?)  Ed has bantered on the mic with some of the country’s best comedians, so we trust his judgment.

SPECIAL ED’s PICKS:

1. The Karate Kid: Revisited - Gary Gulman
While Gulman’s stature might make you think he is a tough guy, he is really a giant pussy. A giant funny pussy, but a pussy nonetheless.

2. Mature Porn - Dave Thomason
Dave is on to something; there needs to be a universal system of categorizing porn.  Water sports doesn’t mean what is implied.

3. Awkward Body Hair - Robert Hawkins
I have shared this experience.  I wish I had saved the 4-inch, gray nose hair I pulled a few weeks ago for posterity.

4. A Black Man at a Prince Concert - Finesse Mitchell
I love Prince and I need more black friends.  Hi Finesse!  Facebook me!

5. Retarded Gun Owners - Jamie Kilstein
I thought “guns” and “retarded” were synonymous.

Behold! The ghosts (and vampires. And soccer trophies?!) of Rooftop’s Halloweens past:

By Comedian Sean Keane

It was a bad week to be an underdog in the NFL. Last week, the Raiders were 14-point underdogs at home, and pulled a huge upset. This week, the Raiders lost by 38 at home.  Favorites brought down the hammer, only three underdogs covered, thousands of multi-team parlays paid off, and bookmakers all over Vegas got murdered.  And by “murdered”, I mean, beaten with baseball bats and dumped into shallow graves in the desert, all because there’s no point spread high enough for a game featuring the St. Louis Rams.  Betting on Tampa, Cleveland, St. Louis, or Tampa? Fuhgeddaboudit.

Houston 24, San Francisco 21

Alex Smith almost led the 49ers back from a three touchdown deficit in a very strange game between two teams that are missing the playoffs. Smith threw three touchdown passes to Vernon Davis, and also drew the Texans offsides three times on his initial drive. Josh Morgan got two illegal motion penalties and Smith also took two delay-of-games, so
when the 49ers had the ball in the second half, no one on either team had any idea when the ball was going to be snapped.

It only took Michael Crabtree one game to exceed the total catches of
fellow rookie wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey of the Raiders.
Crabtree is still behind Heyward-Bey in yardage, dropped passes, and
times falling down untouched.  On the defensive side of the ball, the
49ers notched a moral victory by bruising Andre Johnson’s lung and
making him cough up blood.  If they can rupture one of Reggie Wayne’s
internal organs next week as well, they just might have a chance
against the Colts.

Green Bay 31, Cleveland 3

How bad are the Browns?  Aaron Rodgers had been sacked 25 times in five games, and Cleveland didn’t sack him once.  Rodgers had two TD passes, Ryan Grant ran for 150 yards, and converted linebacker Spencer Havner had a 45-yard touchdown reception, a play that had fans all over America saying, “Who’s that white guy?”  Meanwhile, two former Cleveland Indians pitchers will face off in Game One of the World Series on Wednesday, Delonte West is getting arrested again, Shaquille O’Neal weighs 360 pounds, and on Tuesday, things will likely get even more depressing when Ohio votes to allow casinos. Also, Derek Anderson was 12-for-29 with a 36.4 QB rating, which tells you that backup Brady Quinn must really, REALLY suck.

San Diego 37, Kansas City 7

I’m beginning to wonder if this week was like a “Scared Straight” program for struggling NFL teams.  Players that are starting to lose focus are exposed to teams like the Chiefs or the Browns, to show them the dire consequences that await if they don’t get their act together. I imagine Mike Vrabel getting in Vincent Jackson’s face after plays, screaming, “I used to catch touchdown passes in the Super Bowl! Now look at me! Bitch, you can’t beat the Broncos at home?!?”  And then Norv Turner starts to cry on the sidelines, and the Chargers all learn a valuable lesson, and they stop committing so many false start penalties, and the Chiefs still go 3-13, but they feel better about themselves.

Meanwhile, it’s amazing to me that Matt Cassel, who never started a college game, is backed up by Mat Gutierrez, who was beat out by Chad Henne at Michigan and started during only one year of Division 1-AA
football.  Don’t choose a reserve QB who never played in college when your starter never played in college either!  A.C. Green’s wife isn’t going to cheat on him with one of the Jonas Brothers!  At some point, you have to go with experience.

Indianapolis 42, St. Louis 6

When they still played in LA, my dad used to refer to this franchise as the “Lambs”. That nickname is no longer appropriate, as in my dining experience, lamb is occasionally tough.  Continuing the meat theme, at one point, an announcer referred to Peyton Manning “dissecting” the Rams’ defense.  While Manning was precise, a better metaphor would be advanced meat recovery , “a slaughterhouse process by which the last traces of usable meat are removed from bones and other carcass materials.” Your 2009 St. Louis Rams: The carcass materials of the NFL.

The most disappointed man on the field was Colts backup QB Jim Sorgi. He took his first snap of the season, handed off to Chad Simpson, saw Simpson go 31 yards for a TD, then jogged to the bench. That’ll do, Sorgi. That’ll do.

Pittsburgh 27, Minnesota 17

Last week, I predicted that outdoor, cold-weather games would lead to game-killing turnovers from Brett Favre.  While that happened this week, the interception and fumble returns weren’t really #4’s fault. It does seem like Minnesota is asking a lot in having a 40-year-old man attempt 51 passes, and absorb ten different hits, but that’s because Favre is like a kid out there.  An abused kid who needs better protection.

The Vikings couldn’t score after having first-and-goal from the one-foot line in the third quarter, even though they have Adrian Peterson.  Having a running back who can’t score in that situation is like having a porn star who’s really good at giving back massages, but can’t maintain an erection.  Either way, that’s not the guy you go to when you absolutely need to get twelve inches.

New England 35, Tampa Bay 7

The Bush Administration came under fire for its policy of rendition: moving prisoners to foreign countries, so they could be tortured without violating domestic laws.  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell might face similar criticism after sending the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to England to get abused by the New England Patriots.  However, Josh Johnson did give up the names and locations of three high-ranking Al Qaeda officials after officials promised to remove him from the game.

New York Jets 38, Oakland 0

Mark Sanchez tried to be subtle about eating a hot dog on the bench last Sunday, but ultimately got caught, mainly because of the tell-tale mustard packet.  That’s how bad the Raiders are: opposing quarterbacks can freely eat concession stand snacks at the end of blowout victories. I hope the team doesn’t fine Sanchez; after all, eating a hot dog from the Oakland Coliseum is its own punishment. Meanwhile, JaMarcus Russell ate a big bag of dicks for Oakland, throwing two interceptions and fumbling on his own 5.

Sanchez shouldn’t worry about showing up the Raiders, because his punter did it for the whole team.  Steve Weatherford pulled off his third successful fake punt of the season, running for 16 yards on a 4th-and-7 from his own 23.  The 16-yard run didn’t lead to any points, but it did support that theory that Steve Weatherford could start at running back for the Raiders.

Buffalo 20, Carolina 9

Carolina Panthers coach John Fox could be fired at literally any moment.  At this point, I think the owner might just be waiting to do it in the most surprising fashion possible: jumping out from behind a blocking sled with a severance check, halftime cards tunt where the fans rearrange colored cards to spell “You’re Fired,” replacing the red flag with a pink slip so when Fox tries to challenge a replay call, BOOM! He’s actually fired instead.

Jake Delhomme has 13 interceptions, in a real-life NFL example of the parable of the scorpion and the frog, where the frog gives the scorpion a ride across the river, and then the scorpion signs a $20 million contract extension and keeps throwing interceptions while he’s biting the frog.  Buffalo is now a game out of the wild card, and they could feasibly be 7-4 by Week 12.  We might just see playoff football in upstate New York this year! Though with Buffalo’s luck, the game will be moved to Toronto, and Vincent Gallo’s head will explode.

Cincinnati 45, Chicago 10

This is the point in the season where Jay Cutler starts drunk-dialing Josh McDaniels and posting derisive comments on Kyle Orton’s Facebook photo albums.  I would say it reminds him of his time at Vanderbilt,
except that Vanderbilt’s lineman would provide better pass protection than Cutler is getting right now. Chad Ochocino, the most delightful player in the NFL, picked the perfect time to debut his personal iPhone app, after a 118-yard, two-touchdown day.  And finally, J.T. O’Sullivan, the pride of UC Davis, said, “In your face, Shaun Hill!” with two big rushes for a whopping nine yards in relief of Carson Palmer.  Get that man a Murder Burger!

Dallas 37, Atlanta 21

Tony Romo has a lot of weaknesses – accuracy, blonde pop singers, playoff games – but when it comes to scrambling, dodging sacks, and improvising plays, he might be the best in the NFL.  In hindsight, it looks like a no-brainer to ditch the aging Terrell Owens for a really fast young guy like Miles Austin. The next step for Dallas is to switch in a younger, more mobile owner. Or at least one with a more mobile face.

Now that Romo is running around again, sportswriters get to use the word “swashbucking” again, a rare treat for reporters who don’t cover the Raiders or Buccaneers.  It’s fun, but also subtly racist, as it implies that Romo, one of the league’s only Chicano QBs, is a Captain-Jack-Sparrow-type rum enthusiast.  Romo should embrace it; think about how much more confident “Antonio Ramiro Romo, terror of the Arlington main” would sound for a field general!

New Orleans 46, Miami 34

Drew Brees doesn’t care about wildcats!  The Saints shrugged off a 21-point deficit and ended up winning by 12.  That tells us that even a team accustomed to the hard-drinking world of Bourbon Street can still be debilitated by the party scene in South Beach for nearly a full half.

Miami again ran the ball effectively, until they…forgot to run anymore in the fourth quarter. Maybe the Saints switched Tony Sparano’s Gatordade with Hurricanes,  Ricky Williams had three TDs against his old team, which represented a career high in touchdowns, but in no way was the first time Ricky Williams scored three times in one afternoon while playing around with people from New Orleans.

Arizona 24, New York Giants 17

Eli Manning is a good quarterback, but he often has trouble playing in the cold and wind.This is especially tough because he plays at the Meadowlands, where the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa emerges to blow wobbly passes off course. So Giants fans, the team isn’t in a tailspin.They’re just trying to make sure Eli plays on the road during the playoffs.

Philadelphia 27, Washington 17

Golden Bear DeSean Jackson had rushing and receiving touchdowns, and a long punt return against the clinically depressed Washington Redskins. Cal players are pros in racking up huge statistics against inferior opponents, before coming up small in games against good teams. Luckily, the Redskins don’t have anyone from USC.

Earlier this week, the Redskins emasculated their coach by turning over play-calling duties to a guy who was delivering Meals on Wheels last week. This week, they lost their best offensive player to a broken leg, and fans booed the owner during a pregame ceremony honoring a former star. Next week they have a bye, during which Lawrence Taylor is planning to re-break Joe Thieisman’s leg. The Skins’ only comfort is that they’ll eventually get to play the Raiders, so their final record should be no worse than 3-13.

Sean Keane is a stand up comedian, writer, and sports fan based in San Francisco, Ca. He has written for ESPN the magazine, Mc Sweeney’s, and the ever popular NBA tumblr.

Well, he may have looked back. But he never stopped spelling his name that way.

However you spell it, you should commit his name to memory; pretty soon, it’ll be all over the place. Featured as a “New Face” in the 2009 Montreal Just For Laughs festival, Myq is about to tape his first half-hour Comedy Central special, and can be seen stumping for Pizza Hut and Subway on a series of Comedy Central promos. (Even more impressive when you consider that he’s been a vegan since college.)

Myq put down the mic long enough to pick his favorite Rooftop clips, presented below, with his usual pun-tastic panache.

MYQ’s PICKS:

1. Five Minutes of Napkins - MC Mr. Napkins
Zach Sherwin (aka MC Mr. Napkins) is a brilliant hilarious rapper. Watch this clip where he raps brilliantly and hilariously. Because of his amazing usage of language, I once suggested to him that he release an album called “Word, Playa.” I hope he does, because if he doesn’t, I’ll have to become an awesome rapper in order to get usage out of the title instead. And not that I don’t want to, but I might be too busy enjoying Zach’s brilliant hilarious rapping. Check it out yourself. Before you wreck it out yourself.

2. White Castle Adventures - Jared Logan
Jared Logan is a super-nice person. Which is something you might say about someone when you’re trying to set them up with a friend on a blind date and they’re an ugly girl. But Jared isn’t an ugly girl.  He’s DOUBLE not an ugly girl, actually. And also I’m not trying to set you up with him on a date. I mean, he might be available. But that’s not what this is about. It’s about how Jared is nice, not ugly, and hilarious. Mostly hilarious. Did I not say hilarious yet? Maybe I should have started with hilarious. Hilarious clip of a good-looking man here!

3. Driving a Hyundai in Detroit - Shane Mauss
Shane Mauss is a natural. He’s like an Academy Award-nominated Robert Redford movie about baseball. But he’s even better, because he’s about more than just baseball. He’s about society and religion and time travel. He’s about justice and the economy and butts. He’s about some third combination of three things where the third one humorously doesn’t fit with the other two. Shane Mauss is better than these jokes as well. He’s greater than the sum of my writing’s parts. He is a natural. (And to be fair, “The Natural” is an awesome movie. I don’t even care about baseball that much, but even still. Awesome. But I like Shane more. And I care about him.)

4. Free Entertainment on the Subway - Sean Patton
Sean Patton is a truth-teller, which I believe is the best kind of teller (sorry, bank workers). And he’s a doer, not just a talker. He started a band and called it “his dick,” so that he could make a Facebook fan page, inviting people to join by saying “Sean Patton suggests that you become a fan of his dick.” And I did. I’m a fan of all parts of Sean Patton, because even when he’s talking about his dick, it always springs from a union of his brain and his heart. Check out his truth-brain here.

5. Twinkle Twinkle – Josh Gondelman
Josh probably has the highest ratio of dark, hilarious comedy to non-dark hilarious personality of anyone I know. He will attack your ears with abortions while offering you his seat on a bus, or pulling out a chair for you, or other chivalrous activities that don’t involve sitting at all. His comedy will have you on the edge of your seat, and I guess I can’t get away from seating at all here, so if you can’t beat’em, seat’em, I suppose… Josh is as enjoyable as a comfy armchair, not to sit on, but metaphorically in your brain. Someone should give this guy a SITcom.

6. Retarded Gun Owners - Jamie Kilstein
Jamie is a force. He has a light side and a dark side, and he gets used a lot by guys named Luke. Just kidding. But that’s not what Jamie does–he does more than just kid… he adults. (If adulting is kidding all grown up, see?) He talks about useful things, and he does it funny. People should listen to him, laugh, and then do something about what he’s talking about. Enjoy.

Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter need little introduction. The stars of the Comedy Central hit Michael and Michael Have Issues, and two-thirds (with David Wain) of the wildly popular comedy troupe Stella, Black and Showalter have earned the sort of cult following associated with fans who memorize decades worth of sketches and one-liners and movie quotes. [Black is also the Chief Content Officer of Witstream, an aggregated Twitter feed of hand-picked writers and comedians. No banal updates about the weather here, kids.]

So, unsurprisingly, when Rooftop asked Michael and Michael fans to submit questions for this interview, most of them were based on monkey torture and quotes from Wet Hot American Summer. Which we’re cool with. And hell, I even dared to ask Showalter if there were anything that he wanted to dip his balls in. I did it for you, Rooftop fans. I did it for you.  (And, for the record, he declined to answer. I’d keep that info private, too, if I had balls.)

I was thrilled to catch up with the Michaels while they’re in the midst of their “Michael and Michael Have Live Tour” (upcoming dates in Oakland, CA, Montclair, NJ, Boston, Washington DC, and Philly. Click here for more info.) and ask them some of your pressing questions. Are you ready? Here it comes! OPEN WIDE!!

1. What would you be doing if you weren’t comedians? – Robert W.

SHOWALTER: I would probably be in the college professor world; a teacher like the rest of my family. I actually am on the faculty at NYU film school, so in actuality I am doing the thing that I’d be doing if I weren’t a comedian. I teach screenwriting, full time. This is my fourth year, and I like teaching quite a bit. I started doing it about five years ago. In my business, but I suppose in my career specifically, there are periods of time in between jobs, and I didn’t like the anxiety of that. I wanted to get another thing that I could count on that wasn’t about getting hired to do something, just something that was a regular normal job. I did it as a therapeutic thing, but it turned out that I really love teaching.

BLACK: Do I have a job in this scenario? I’d probably be continuing my work with Guatemalan orphans. I’m building them water slides. Giant, incredibly expensive water slides. Very intricate water slides. Occasionally I get a thank you note and picture of them as a thank you. The trouble, though, is that most of them can’t afford the admission price to my water parks.

2. What are your favorite books? – Michelle B.

SHOWALTER: Anything by John Krakauer. And I like historic non-fiction.  I’m big on any book that’s about world history, European history, art history, you name it. I could tell you anything you want to know about the Roman Empire. I like facts.  I get pleasure out of reading something that is true. I like a good biography. The last thing I read was All the President’s Men, about the Watergate scandal.

BLACK: I like either very well researched historical non-fiction, or very very dumb political thrillers. Right now I’m reading The Thin Red Line by James Jones. The political thrillers I read, and then almost immediately forget.

3. Are there any subjects that are off-limits for you, in your act? – Tony C.

SHOWALTER: I don’t really like making jokes that are at someone’s else’s expense. And there’s a difference between that and making fun of somebody; like, if an audience member is heckling me, I will make fun of them. But I’m not big on telling jokes at the expense of another person’s insecurity. Whether it be their physical appearance or anything along those lines. I like people to feel included, not excluded. You’ll never hear me make a fat joke. You’ll never hear me make a bald joke.

It’s sort of a gut thing. I don’t want to be mean. I don’t feel mean, I’m not a mean person. I don’t believe in that. I never want an audience member to feel like they are excluded in any way.

BLACK: I’m not crazy about jokes that mention 80s culture.   It’s different when that’s the topic [like when Black appeared on all of the I Love the 80s pop-travaganzas on VH1], but I’m not crazy about pop culture as gag.

4. Taylor Dayne: Hot or not? – Katie L.

BLACK: I don’t even know what Taylor Dayne looks like. Is that the right answer?

5. Sexier on a girl: lingerie or a button-down man’s shirt? – Robert W.

SHOWALTER: It really depends on the situation. But I’m gonna say a button-down man’s shirt.

6. Would you have become comedy partners if Michael Ian Black had chosen to go by “Ian” instead? - Greg W.

BLACK: He thinks our partnership is based on the fact that we’re both named Michael? I’ll give him the answer he wants. No! We wouldn’t have!

7. Who have been your professional or personal influences? - Mary F.

SHOWALTER: Woody Allen more than anyone. But also I grew up really loving Steve Martin and Benny Hill and Monty Python. Terry Gilliam. Charles Schultz. As for people today, there’s a bunch of comedians from New York, like Eugene Mirman, Leo Allen, Jon Benjamin, Zach Galifianakis. But once I started doing comedy professionally, I really stopped watching comedy. It’s not as enjoyable as it used to be, it kind of feels like work. It’s not as much of an escape.

BLACK: I feel like it’s a question that’s fairly new to me, but I’ve been getting it a lot lately. I guess I’m getting old. Comedic influences I would say Richard Prior, George Carlin, Andy Kaufman, John Belushi. Eleanor Roosevelt,. Joan of Arc, any of the suffragettes. Joan Jett.

8. How do you keep your professional and personal relationship with each other fresh? Do you guys secretly hate each other? - Vanessa C.

BLACK: The best thing we can do for ourselves is spend a lot of time apart.

SHOWALTER: Our friendship and working relationship are wound together, because when we met, freshman year of college, we met at an audition for a sketch comedy group that ended up being The State. So, our friendship has always been in the context of the work that we do. Mike and I are both anti-social people and I think both he and I are most comfortable with social interaction that’s in the context of work. Neither he or I are big partiers, not big ‘go out with friends’ guys, so our friendship is work centered. I think the nice thing about that is that there are unwritten boundaries there. And we get along really well, which is why I think we’ve been able to work together for so long. We do fight, but all of our fights are about work.

9. What are the differences between your creative perspectives? – Sarah B.

SHOWALTER: My sensibility might be a tiny bit more broad than his. At least in television. I think I’m more focused on narrative and plot and he’s more focused on dialogue and jokes. But there’s also a lot of middle ground and I think we learn from each other too.

BLACK: He’s white, obviously, and I’m not. Creatively, he likes puns, I do not like puns. He likes fake commercials, I do not. He likes sandwich-based humor. I like taco-based humor. Ditto with cats and dogs.

10. Is there going to be a second season of Michael and Michael Have Issues? What was the experience like of making the show? – Sam H.

SHOWALTER: We hope to have another season, and I think that there’s certainly a chance. They’ve ordered new scripts of the show, which is definitely a positive sign. We’ll start writing as soon as we’re done with the tour. But there’s been no official word. They tend to take their time. Which is frustrating. You have to stay positive. But I have a good feeling about it.

BLACK: We’re awaiting our fate. For the most part the experience was great, expect when we were fighting, which was most of time. We argue all the time over creative things. It makes us sick of each other at the time, but then we’re still friends at the end. It’s never anything other than trying to make a good show. And succeeding admirably.

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]]> http://blog.rooftopcomedy.com/2009/10/23/interview-michael-ian-black-and-michael-showalter/feed/ 10 http://blog.rooftopcomedy.com/2009/10/22/we-smell-a-b-school-video-war/ http://blog.rooftopcomedy.com/2009/10/22/we-smell-a-b-school-video-war/#comments Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:26:55 +0000 SFA http://blog.rooftopcomedy.com/?p=3543 MIT Sloan business school students are nerds. But funny nerds. Funny nerds with autotune.

Whatchu got, Harvard? Stanford? Chicago? Bring it.

Damn, MIT. Last month you Rick-Rolled an entire city. And now you’re taking on SNL? We like it.

By Comedian Sean Keane

New Orleans and New England ran up the score in huge victories, and the Eagles and Jaguars ran up their fans’ blood pressure in an exciting weekend of NFL action. The Jets ran for a ton of yardage in a loss, the Titans ran into a snowstorm and an offensive buzzsaw in New England, and the Redskins are trying to run their head coach out of town.  In addition, field goals were made and missed seemingly at
ran-dom, and a fourth-down stop by Cleveland against Pittsburgh was overruled by a referee’s decision worthy of election officials in I-ran.

Houston 28, Cincinnati 17

Matt Schaub is leading the NFL in touchdown passes. That’s kind of
like realizing that the Black Eyed Peas are the top-selling musical
act in America – it’s surprising, somewhat unsettling, and makes you
wonder if we have gotten retarded in here as a nation.  In other black
eye news, two crucial Bengals players went down with injuries.  This
is disheartening for Cincinnati’s playoff chances, but it does raise
the wonderful possibility, however remote, of Chad Ochocinco stepping
in to play defensive end.

Green Bay 26, Detroit 0

The Packers were the most discouraged 26-0 winners you’ll ever see
after this game.  Postgame comments involved offensive line injuries,
the massive sack totals, and how Green Bay settled for field goals,
not touchdowns, throughout the game.  Meanwhile, the Lions lost their
19th consecutive game in the state of Wisconsin.  That’s not 19
straight IN Green Bay; the Lions haven’t won a road game against Green
Bay since before the Packers stopped playing two games a year in
Milwaukee, back in 1994.

Minnesota 33, Baltimore 31

Another close loss and another goat for Baltimore.  Last week it was
Ray Lewis and a drive-sustaining cheap shot, this week it was kicker
Steve Hauschka missing a game-winning chip shot.  OK, it was a
pressure-filled 44-yarder, but I couldn’t resist the poetic symmetry
there.  The Ravens still look like one of the best teams in the
league, but at 3-3, they probably aren’t even making the playoffs.
There’s seven loseable games left on the schedule, and they
realistically have to win five of them.  Meanwhile, Brett Favre faces
only three more cold-weather games this year, and only one after
November 1, which should mean no heart-breaking multi-interception
games until after Christmas.

Jacksonville 23, St. Louis 20 (OT)

A three-point overtime win at home against St. Louis is only slightly
more respectable than a 41-0 road loss to the Seahawks, and if the
Jags had blown it, I think Jack Del Rio might have been fired before
he reached the locker room.  As it stands, Jacksonville gets a bye,
then faces six winnable games in a row.  They’re right on track to
sneak into the last wild-card spot, and then lose to New England by 35
points in the first round.  As for the Rams, they made a bold move in
the race for the #1 pick in the draft by trading a starting linebacker
for  fifth- and sixth-round picks.  Your move, Tampa Bay!

New Orleans 48, New York Giants 27

Eli Manning played his first game in the Superdome, where his father
played most of his career.  Manning honored his father’s legacy of
constant losing in New Orleans by throwing an interception and losing
a fumble, helping to ensure the Giants’ defeat.  It looks like Peyton
Manning will be Drew Brees’s competition for the MVP award, and since
the Saints don’t play the Colts this year, Brees had to beat up on Eli
in Peyton’s stead.  This sets up a Super Bowl matchup where Brees can
lead a touchdown drive while cackling like Judge Doom in ‘Who Framed
Roger Rabbit’ – “Peyton, when I killed your brother’s chances at
home-field advantage, I passed Just. Like. This!”

Pittsburgh 27, Cleveland 14

The Steelers again couldn’t be bothered to properly put away an
opponent, but it didn’t matter since said opponent was the Cleveland
Browns.  QB Derek Anderson completed 9 of 24 passes and it was a huge
improvement, like when your toddler only pees his pants instead of
crapping in them.  After the game, he spoke for Cleveland players,
fans, and poor comedians who have to write about this horrible team
every week when he said, “We put tons of hours in and … it’s
frustrating. Every single week, it’s frustrating.”

Carolina 28, Tampa Bay 21

Carolina has squeaked by the Redskins and Buccaneers in consecutive weeks, asserting their claim to being the Best of the NFL’s Worst. They stand among other horrible teams, but they stand very slightly,almost imperceptively above them. Related unimpressive titles:

- Cleanest Hipster
- Kansas City Royals Team MVP
- Chairman of the Republican National Committee.
- Lead Guitarist of Creed
- Red Ribbon Winner In That Beer Competition Where Pabst Won The Blue Ribbon

Kansas City 14, Washington 6

Before this game, Washington cornerback DeAngelo Hall said, “You’re
facing teams that ain’t won a game. We gave Detroit their first win.
We gave Carolina their first win. We can’t give Kansas City their
first win.”  This was when I knew that Washington was going to lose.
Meanwhile, Coach Jim Zorn managed to escape firing for another week,
though he lost his play-calling responsibilities.  Since he can’t get
Mike Shanahan to take over, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder is choosing
to humiliate his current coach, rather than replace him.  By Week 10,
Zorn will have no offensive, defensive, special-teams, or clock
management responsibilities, but will still be forced to roam the
sidelines wearing a woman’s dress, a pig snout, and a dunce cap.

Oakland 13, Philadelphia 9

Bad performance by Philadelphia, but they were playing three time
zones away from home, and their left tackle was injured in the first
quarter.  Surely, this was a defensible loss?  No. No it was not. They
were playing the OAKLAND RAIDERS, a team that was down 24 points at
halftime last week, a team that is quarterbacked by JAMARCUS RUSSELL,
who was completing 42% of his passes going into Sunday’s game, a team
whose head coach is facing a felony assault prosecution.  Actually,
maybe that was the key – Andy Reid felt sympathetic to Tom Cable’s
legal woes because of his own kids, and that’s why he refused to call
any running plays.

Donovan McNabb and Reid continued their tradition of clock
mismanagement, with McNabb attempting to call a non-existent timeout
in the second quarter, and Reid inexplicably calling timeout two
seconds ahead of the two-minute warning in the fourth quarter.

Arizona 27, Seattle 3

This clash of NFC West “powers” was out of reach so early that Matt
Leinart got to play, completing both his passes and running for a
yard.  In a related story, Arizona’s center has contracted herpes from
having Leinart’s hands close to his groin.

New England 59, Tennessee 0

After a former assistant coach beat the Pats last week in Denver, Tom
Brady and Bill Belichick clearly had something to prove, and took it
out on the poor Titans.  Tennessee has a bye week, and Jeff Fisher
will likely spend it on suicide watch, being kept far away from sharp
objects, ropes, and safety Chris Hope.  How did other teams spend
their bye weeks in Week 6?

Indianapolis: Coach Jim Caldwell and owner Robert Irsay bet a dollar
that they could sign a vagrant, chosen at random, and by Week 7, have
him catch two TD passes from Peyton Manning. (This is also how Pierre
Garcon joined the team last year.)  It is unclear whether Irsay and
Caldwell will also attempt to turn Reggie Wayne into a homeless man.

Miami: Ricky Williams used medicinal marijuana and his holistic
medicine training to tame an actual wildcat, which will take a few
snaps at QB next week for the Dolphins.

49ers: Linebacker Patrick Willis held Michael Crabtree down while the
team ran by and hit him with bar of soap stuffed inside tube socks, as
punishment for his extended holdout.  Crabtree is expected to either
be in the starting lineup next week, or in the bathroom, cleaning a
rifle and babbling incoherently.

Dallas: Coach Wade Phillips sat in his office weeping, naked, with the
lights out, for the full seven days.

Buffalo 16, New York Jets 13 (OT)

The Mark Sanchez honeymoon era is officially over in East Rutherford,
and New York wins the award for Most Shameful Loss of the Week,
narrowly edging out Philadelphia and Tennessee.  Perhaps Rex Ryan is
too accustomed to working as a defensive coordinator, and doesn’t
realize he has the power to do things like call timeouts, or take out
his quarterback after he throws his fourth interception.  That’s how
you lose while rushing for over 300 yards and playing the godawful
Buffalo Bills.  Ryan should make Sanchez practice throwing the ball in
windy conditions, but it’s unclear if he realizes he has the authority
to do so.

Atlanta 21, Chicago 14

Matt Forte wins the Earnest Byner Award this week for Incompetence in
Goal-Line Running. In the third quarter, Forte lost the ball on
first-and-goal from the 1, recovered his own fumble, and then fumbled
again on the very next play.  Matt Forte, there’s an old saying in
Chicago – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Chicago – that says,
Fumble once, shame on – shame on you. Fumble twice – you can’t get
fooled again!

Denver 34, San Diego 23

The San Diego Chargers are the Notre Dame of the NFL.  They’re always
overhyped.  Their team is ostensibly stocked with talent, but they
never win anything important. Both the Chargers and the Irish are
coached by so-called offensive geniuses who get shut down when they
play against anyone good.  Notre Dame plays in a bowl game every year,
thanks to their cream puff schedule of Stanford, Purdue, and the
service academies.  San Diego makes the playoffs every year thanks to
two games each against the Raiders and Chiefs.  Considering how
mediocre they are, both teams are on NBC way too much.  San Diego
needs to either fire Norv Turner, or accept their role as NFL Notre
Dame and trade for Brady Quinn.

Sean Keane is a stand up comedian, writer, and sports fan based in San Francisco, Ca. He has written for ESPN the magazine, Mc Sweeney’s, and the ever popular NBA tumblr.