BYU returns to play tonight, led by their celibate Caucasian superstar Jimmer Fredette. Jimmer, known as Jameser to his friends, is averaging 33 points a game through the first two games of the tournament. The third-seeded Cougars, ironically named after the groupies that their school’s honor code forbids them to enjoy, face off against the second-seeded Florida Gators. If you have premarital sex at BYU, you are kicked off the team, while at Florida, premarital sex is an integral component of the pre-game shoot around.

Jimmer is a thrilling player, and easily the greatest white player remaining in the big dance. Duke’s Kyle Singler has the pallor and softness of a traditional Caucasian great, but he lacks the sharpshooting and family connections of a Mike Dunleavy, Jr., the scrappiness of a Wojo, or the premature baldness of a Danny Ferry.

In honor of what might be Jimmer’s final college game, let’s take a look at some of the other great white heroes of March Madness.

First up is Valparaiso’s Bryce Drew. In 1998, Drew hit a three-pointer at the buzzer and 13th-seed Valparaiso beat Mississippi State. Drew became a first-round draft pick, washed out of the NBA quickly, and his shot has been a part of March Madness montages ever since.

Drew is a great white hero not just because of his dramatic shot, but because he exemplifies many white values. The success of the play relied on the white collegian’s bread and butter, shooting accuracy, rather than running, jumping, or dribbling. His father, Homer, was the coach who drew up the play for him, meaning the miracle was made possible by nepotism, traditionally an important part of white culture. Drew currently works as his father’s assistant and designated successor, meaning he also represents the white value of inherited wealth.

The miracle involved accurate shooting, and was also made possible by Ansu Sesay missing two free throws right before the attempt. “That’s why they call them free,” said white dads all over America, including Homer Drew himself.

Adam Morrison was the Player of the Year at Gonzaga in 2006, along with fellow Caucasian J.J. Redick. In 2006, not 1956! It’s like giving out a Computer of the Year award, and splitting it between an Apple Newton and a Speak and Spell! Morrison starred at Gonzaga, the school that produced such players as John Stockton (white), Blake Stepp (white), Dan Dickau (white), and Ronny Turiaf (black, but French). He was a devastating college scorer with a 15-inch vertical leap, and became entirely ineffective upon reaching the NBA, where he faced players who could actually jump to contest a shot.

In his final college season, Morrison and his teammates nearly upset UCLA, but blew a 17-point lead. Not only did Gonzaga suffer a stunning defeat, the loss left Morrison face down on the court, crying his eyes out. And as Yelp.com has taught us, there’s no whiter reaction to something that displeases you than crying about it in a public place.

Gerry McNamara of Syracuse was an undersized white point guard who could shoot three-pointers like no other. He won an NCAA title as a freshman, hitting six three-pointers in the first half, though some would argue that Syracuse won thanks to another talented freshman named Carmelo Anthony. McNamara continued to bomb threes for the remainder of his career, winning two more Big East titles, to go along with the thirty-seven sunburns he received in his college career.

Three-point shooting is the whitest basketball activity there is, and McNamara excelled at that, but he’s really on this list due to his name. “Gerry McNamara” could easily be a retired police captain from the Boston PD, a prizefighter from the ’50s who only fights guys named Dutch and Rocky, or the backup guard at Hickory High. Gerry McNamara is going the plaque in the Caucasian college basketball Hall of fame simply because “Whitey McWhiterson” wouldn’t fit.

Christian Laettner is the prototypical white March Madness hero. He went to Duke, the whitest college, and played for Mike Krzyzewski, who is the whitest coach in America, if not the whitest man entirely. He had the strong jaw and vaguely homoerotic look of an Abercrombie model. Even his name evoked family values, Republican fundraisers, and colonialist missionary efforts. They might as well have called him “Judeo-Christian Laettner.”

Laettner’s greatest game came in the 1992 East Regional final versus Kentucky. He shot 10-for-10 from the field, and 10-for-10 from the free throw line AND stomped on the chest of a black player. And he got away with it! That Duke team also featured Caucasian superstar Bobby Hurley, and their best black player was named “Grant.” In other words, the way to say “government assistance” for white people instead of saying “welfare.” And like all true white college superstars, Laettner’s pro career was extremely disappointing.

There were sixteen games on Thursday, and only sixteen different commercials that ran in constant rotation on the various networks. If you’ve found yourself inexplicably singing, “Napa Know-How! Napa Know-How!” this is the reason why. After a while, you don’t even think of the products, and instead ask yourself things like:

• “Is it wrong that I find the daughter in that Subaru commercial hot?”
• “Could a State Farm agent transform broadcaster Ian Eagle into Gus Johnson?”
• “Why doesn’t Hanes digitally remove that Hitler mustache from Michael Jordan’s face?”
• “Is the “Walk on the Wild Side” Hewlett Packard commercial any worse than when Lou Reed did a scooter commercial?

Speaking of overplaying, the Southeast region saw all 16 of its teams compete on Thursday. Out of those sixteen, only four will survive the weekend and advance to New Orleans. They also win a continental breakfast with Harry Connick, Junior, and a rowboat tour of the levees led by a shotgun-wielding Sean Penn. So there’s quite a bit at stake here.

#1 Pittsburgh 74, UNC-Asheville 51
A 16-seed has never beaten a 1-seed, and it didn’t happen here, either. Pitt displayed domiannce on rebounding, defense, and in the incredible whiteness of their band:

#2 Florida 79, #15 UC Santa Barbara 51

This was no ordinary 2-15 battle; it was a showdown between two of the most acclaimed party schools in the nation. And on St. Patrick’s Day, no less! Florida played a excellent game from the start, while the Gauchos played like they’d done a bunch of Irish Car Bombs in the locker room. Having visited Isla Vista, I wouldn’t be that surprised if they had. Florida had ten more rebounds, protected the ball better, and even made more free throws. Meanwhile, their 5-for-19 performance on threes showed that the Gauchos feel victim to something that’s befallen many UCSB students over the years: too many ill-advised shots.

#3 BYU 74, #14 Wofford 66

Jimmer Fredette scored 32 points, the the BYU Cougars held of a feisty Wofford team by eight. Wofford remained defiant in the loss. Wofford guard Jamar Diggs said, “We’re going to go back home, watch the game tape, have a couple beers, and then have sex with our girlfriends. Or anyone we want. We’ll probably drink a bunch of coffee afterwards, too. So long, suckers.”

#4 Wisconsin 72, #13 Belmont 58

Wisconsin scored 33 points in their previous game, and looked to be on their way to a similar outcome by scoring eight points in the first ten minutes. Thankfully, they started making a few shots afterward, but by then, America had turned to one of the other three games that featured actual offense. Perhaps this is an intentional strategy by Wisconsin, who don’t want to play exciting basketball lest they induce heart attacks in their cheese-eating, stroh’s-swilling fans.

This game also introduced the world to reserve forward Mike Bruesewitz, who looks like what would happen if Chase Budinger and Robin Lopez had a child, and that child was later turned into a vampire:

#5 Kansas State 73, #12 Utah State 68

While the high seed normally wears white in these battles, Kansas State took the court in grey-and-purple jerseys that looked like camouflage on TV. Perhaps their strategy was to literally hide behind screens and surprise ball handlers who thought they had a clear path to the basket. Or they thought the game was going to be played in a tropical rain forest. Utah State kept it close, but ultimately failed to be all they could be, as did my bracket, in which I incorrectly picked Utah State to pull an upset for the second consecutive year. You’re dead to me, Aggies!

#11 Gonzaga 86, #6 St. John’s 71

Adam Morrison was so proud of his old team pulling the upset, he burst into tears. He also cried because nine months ago, he was playing for the world champion Lakers, and now he’s working as a janitor at an arena in Denver.

#7 UCLA, #10 Michigan State

It felt a little bit like the movie 300: the Spartans were hopeless underdogs, yet battled back to a close defeat, and Kalin Lucas tried to kick UCLA’s Malcolm Lee into a pit of death early in the second half. While Coach Tom Izzo and Michigan State had earned a first-round “W” for the last five years, their comeback fell short this year, and it was an “L” to the Izzo.

#8 Butler 60, #9 Old Dominion 58

Somehow, Old Dominion was favored in this game, even though Butler scrapped their way to the national title game last year. This one was tied up until the final second, when Matt Howard tipped in a rebound to win at the buzzer. Howard, who abandoned last year’s enormous t-shirt, looks like an Andy Samberg character and wears a knee brace, along with a crazy Iverson-style sleeve over most of his right arm. He’s a wristband and a small beer gut away from being a YMCA regular. Butler plays Pitt next round, and Pitt can’t be happy about that, if only for the inevitable, “The Butler Did It” headlines that would follow an upset loss.

The first real day of tournament action was thrilling, full of upsets, buzzer-beaters, and millions of Americans discovering that “TruTV” is an actual television network. It used to be Court TV, and besides NCAA games, their programming appears to consist of live trial coverage and home movies of people doing stupid things and injuring themselves. Both of those apply to Kentucky coach Rick Pitino. Grab your brackets, and let’s bust it!

East Region

#5 West Virginia 84, #12 Clemson 76

Clemson won their play-in game Tuesday night, then got stuck with a 12:15 start time on Tuesday, which makes me conclude that Coach Brad Brownlee might have slept with the wife of a selection committee member. The game was uneven enough that Jonnie West, son of Jerry, got some playing time, during which he hit a three-point shot and somehow traded for Kobe Bryant.

#4 Kentucky 59, #13 Princeton 57

Princeton almost pulled off the huge upset, but Kentucky hit a lay-in in the final seconds to win it. Coach Sydney Johnson cried after the game, which makes me think he has a future coaching the Miami Heat. This was a Cinderella story in the brutal German folklore tradition, where stepsisters get their eyes gouged out by birds, and Cinderella dies of typhus on her way to the ball. These disappointed Princeton players will have to comfort themselves with their lifetime of Ivy League advantages, along with white privilege.

West Region

#6 Cincinnati 78, #11 Missouri 63

Cincinnati’s authoritative victory leaves America asking, “What the hell is a Bearcat, anyway?” Wikipedia says it could mean a mountain lion, a wolverine, or a mammal from Southeast Asia called the binturong. The binturong is known for its prehensile tail and stifling perimeter defense, and can become vicious outside of its natural Big East habitat. After this vicious beating, Missouri players have been encouraged to get rabies shots.

#3 Connecticut 81, #14 Bucknell 52

If you had Bucknell advancing here, you’re probably not winning your office pool. You’re also probably related to a player on Bucknell’s team. Connecticut absolutely dominated, and in a tribute to Connecticut’s largest industry, the Mohegan Sun casino, they easily covered the spread.

#7 Temple 66, #10 Penn State 64

Penn State hit a huge shot to tie the game, and Juan Fernandez of Temple responded with a go-ahead basket of his own. It wasn’t a buzzer-beater, since a few seconds remained on the clock – more of a buzzer-molester, a shot that gets inappropriately close to the zero mark. Penn State tried a desperation heave at the buzzer, which hit the scoreboard. That tells me that the scoreboard is way too low on that court in Anaheim, but since it’s only the relocated Sacramento Kings that will be playing there, I predict that no one will care.

#2 San Diego 68, #15 Northern Colorado 50

Is Northern Colorado an actual school? I think it’s possible that a really good intramural team from San Diego State made some fake stationery and a website during a snowboarding trip to Colorado, and duped the NCAA into believing the scam. I mean, Tate Unruh? That’s not a real name. Also, SDSU Coach Steve Fisher is 65 years old and doesn’t look a day over 93.

Check out more of Sean Keane’s sports blogging over at SportsCentr, and at Sean Keane Comedy.

There were high hopes for something epic to occur this spring in the world of sports and the world of television. LeBron James was finishing the final year of his contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers, and on ABC, “Lost” was finishing its six-season run. Would there be resolution to all the frustrating plotlines? Was the storyline going somewhere (the NBA Finals, a parallel dimension), or were the powers-that-be simply spinning their wheels and throwing familiar parts together? Would everyone make their escape from the miserable land that sucks you in and won’t let you leave? By which I mean Cleveland, but it was unclear whether anyone would get off the Island either.

We all know that it ended in disappointment. But still, there are a lot of parallels between the final season of “Lost” and LeBron’s final (sorry, Cavs fans) season as a Cavalier:

2010 was supposed to resolve a lot of the issues and conflicts that had been building for years. LeBron vs. Dwight Howard! Benjamin Linus vs. Charles Widmore! Kobe and LeBron competing for Best Player Alive! Jack and Sawyer competing for Kate’s booty! After all that, it turned out to be a showdown between two entities that have been fighting for thousands of years: The Lakers and the Celtics.

Much like the Island, the Cuyahoga River in Cleveland has a weird kind of energy. I thought it was electromagnetic, but it turns out it’s just highly flammable.

Even though everyone is supposedly embroiled in this super-serious, life-or-death situation there’s a lot of weird, discordant horsing around all the time as well. Miles argues with Hurley about “Star Wars” while fleeing an inhuman murderous smoke creature; the Cavs make overlong commercial parodies in their spare time.

Look, he’s got a great personality and he seems like a sweet guy. But
Shaq – like Hurley – is a dude with a weight problems who really
doesn’t seem like the guy you want to take you to the end. Not if you’re
really serious. Also, they’re both obsessed with their numbers.

Mo Williams is Cleveland’s Sawyer. He gives people nicknames, conned the NBA into making him an All-Star, and was oddly unimportant as things wrapped up this year. So much potential; so much time standing around ineffectually and making terrible decisions. Maybe there’s a Sideways Los Angeles version of Mo Williams who plays really well in big games.

Like Michael, Mike Brown is a murderer – only he murdered two championship teams. He is going to end up a ghost, whispering to Cavaliers while they try to run offensive sets. (“Sloooow it down.” “Worrrk the ball to Shaq.” “Waaaaaalt!”) In that vein, Wally Szczerbiak was the Ana Lucia of “Lost” – seemed like a good idea for about a month, before their uselessness and annoyance meant you had to get rid of them.

Anderson Varejao = Sayid. He’s a foreign player of ambiguous ethnicity, hustles, good with his feet, has crazy hair that looks like it never gets washed. While Varejao has never killed anyone to our knowledge, his hairstyle doppelganger, Sideshow Bob, is an unrepentant killer.

For years, Cleveland has been haunted by this mysterious, intangible force that judges playoff teams to see if they’re worthy. It’s called The Choke Monster. This season, it took a human form: Antawn Jamison.

Zydrunas Ilgauskas thought he was gone. When Cleveland traded for Antawn Jamison, Z and his family escaped to Washington, D.C. But like Desmond Hume, Zydrunas has a unique body, capable of withstand inhuman pounding, whether it be from electromagnetic energy or playing Dwight Howard in the post. And so one month after the trade, Danny Ferry smuggled him back to Ohio, presumably locked inside a submarine.
Delonte West is a lot like Kate. Notable freckles, complicated romantic life, solid contributor on defense, familiar with using a gun. Both make a lot of mistakes; and each has been a fugitive from the law. We’d bet a large sum of money that, like Kate, Delonte has had sex in a bear cage before.

Before Season 3, “Lost” controversially added new characters Nikki and Paolo. Before LeBron’s third season, the Cavaliers controversially added Damon Jones and Larry Hughes. The Nikki/Paolo thing may have been ill-advised, but the creators ditched those two mid-season; Larry Hughes got a five-year deal. And just like Damon Jones, I think the guy who played Paolo is selling Chinese shoes right now.

Lost had Boone, who was kind of incompetent, not as good-looking or as successful as his sister. The Cavs have Anthony Parker.

The Others have to be the Celtics. Like the Celtics, Benjamin Linus is a dangerous rival, but he always seems like he’s too old and weak to be a real threat. He gets beat up all the time, there’s lots of falling down, while the constant stream of talking never stops. Yet in the end, they survive, and you’re left wondering – how’d they steal Game Two? And get to the Finals? And steal that sailboat?

(“Two days after I decide I’m never going to win a title, the Defensive Player of the Year and one of the greatest outside shooters in NBA history falls out of the sky. If that’s not a sign that God exists…?”)

Paul Pierce is the John Locke of the others – a man who spent his early years underestimated and unwanted, while always believing he was special. But he was fated to become the Leader of the Others all along. Pierce and Locke both spend a lot of time in wheelchairs, and are overly familiar with knives. The Finals should reveal his true nature, though Game One suggested that Pierce’s body may have also been taken over by the Choke Monster.

When you look back, the people in charge insisted they had a plan, but now that it’s over you can tell they were just pulling things out of their asses the whole time. However, they really did know the final scene all along: Lebron signing with the Knicks. The annoying part is that even the ending isn’t really an ending at all. Just as it’s been for years, the experience of actually watching LeBron and “Lost” is secondary to the real pastime: arguing about it all on the the Internet.

This Saturday, the NCCC hits the SF Bay Area as students from Stanford University and UC Berkeley go head to head in the Regional Rival Match.

Come out and vote for your favorite school to advance in the competition!

Stanford Vs. Cal
Saturday, April 10th, 8PM
The Clubhouse
414 Mason St.@ Geary, 7th floor, Powell BART
Click here to purchase tickets

OR

Be the one of the first 5 people to email us at nccc(at)rooftopcomedy.com to win a pair of free tickets!

I know this is just a commercial for Vitamin Water, but I’d like to imagine it’s the trailer for “Bad News Bears 4: Guidos Take Manhattan.”

Plot Line: The Mets fire manager Jerry Manuel and hire Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Joined by new off season recruits Pauly D and Snookie, the struggling Mets beat crosstown rival Yankees to win their first World Series title in over 20 years.

Tag Line: New team. SAME JERSEY.

It was an unusually high-quality week for NFL football in Week 9. The Redskins were the most depressing this week, though the Raiders, Bills, Rams, and Browns had a bye, making them look even worse. Now that these teams are back, we’re again subjected to Brady Quinn versus Derek Anderson, the lowest-quality quarterback controversy since Joey Harrington battled with Jeff Garcia, and Coach Tom Cable’s inevitable journey toward anger management counseling, alcohol rehab, and a one-on-one meeting with Dr. Drew. The Colts and Saints stayed undefeated, the Ravens are looking like the best team to miss the playoffs, and Thursday Night Football could not have a less inspiring game to kick off its season. To the games!

Atlanta 31, Washington 17

Washington came out of their bye week fresh, and scored a season-high 17 points. Unfortunately, Atlanta scored 31. DeAngelo Hall nearly fought with Atlanta head coach Mike Smith, but was unable to get tackle Michel Turner, a Falcon actually participating in the game. It was fortunate that the Hall dustup happened on the Atlanta sideline; had it been Washington’s side, Jim Zorn would have had to consult with his Fracas Coach, and then the Assistant Fracas Coach, who would call up to the ownership box for approval. Meanwhile, Zorn would have burned two timeouts and then called a halfback option pass, while DeAngelo Hall was being choked unconscious.

New England 27, Miami 17

The Dolphins did well with the Wildcat offense, but the Patriots countered with the Randy-Moss-stiff-arms-a-rookie-cornerback-cat Offense, which is even more effective, if less catchy. The Dolphins are the best team with a losing record in the league, which means that while they’re out of the playoff picture, they’ll be a nightmare opponent for the rest of the year. It will be interesting to see if the Dolphins will continue to play hard with their only motivation being a chance to ruin the dreams of others. Only certain types of people respond to that – high school guidance counselors, loan agents, NFL columnists, and, of course, Freddy Krueger.

Tampa Bay 38, Green Bay 28

To celebrate the first victory of the league’s last unbeaten team, members of the 2008 Detroit Lions opened a celebratory bottle of champagne. The Lions’ place in history was secure for one more year! Unfortunately, many of them still play for the 2009 Detroit Lions, and they still had three quarters to play against Seattle.

People have credited Tampa’s first win to the coaching staff’s preparation during the bye week, or the steady play of rookie QB Josh Freeman, but I think that the return of swashbuckling mascot Bucco Bruce was a huge factor.  Bruce is a pirate with long flowing hair, a hat adorned with a huge feather, and a knife in his teeth. As if this logo weren’t homoerotic enough already, he’s winking. Comedian Joe Tobin adds, “It might as well be a rose in his teeth.” Perhaps the recent struggles of both pirate NFL teams, the Raiders and Buccaneers, stems from their unwillingness to embrace the gayness inherent to the pirate lifestyle. The Bucs let it all hang out with their glorious creamsicle uniforms, Bucco Bruce, and a willingness to go for it on fourth down, and they were rewarded with a victory. Meanwhile, Packers QB Aaron Rodgers delivered his own tribute to the homosexual lifestyle by going down any time that a defensive lineman paid the least bit of attention to him.

Seattle 32, Detroit 20

The Lions jumped out to an early 17-0 lead, but then the champagne got to them and they fell apart. Matt Stafford threw five interceptions to a team that had only picked off three passes all year, which is the NFL equivalent of giving up three home runs to Charlie Brown in one game. Detroit is actually worse than they were in their 0-16 season, yet still had a chance to win this one, on the road, with thirty seconds left. Despite this, Seattle has a chance at the playoffs, because that’s how horrible the NFC West is. Both these teams have an excellent chance of beating the 49ers in coming weeks.

Jacksonville 24, Kansas City 21

This game wasn’t nearly as close as the final score indicates. Kansas City scored 15 points in the final two-and-a-half minutes of the game, making me wonder why Kansas City doesn’t just run the no-huddle offense all the time. Sure, Jacksonville was probably playing prevent defense, but you’re the Chiefs! You’re 1-7! You just cut your starting running back! Huddling isn’t doing shit! Incidentally, even if you’ve found it difficult to make advances, the no-cuddle offense will have limited effectiveness with your girlfriend.

The Jaguars are meanwhile the softest 4-4 team in the league, unless you prefer the Packers. Inability to stop the run, or inability to stop the pass rush? Frustrated black quarterback with Crohn’s Disease or frustrated white quarterback with eerie resemblance to Scott Stapp? Accidental death via exploding meth lab, or accidental death via cheese-induced heart attack? The choice is yours. Neither Jacksonville or Green Bay will make the playoffs, but both will beat the 49ers.

Tennessee 34, San Francisco 27

Alex Smith is another quarterback who looks much more effective when his team is down two touchdowns. He’s like a college student who can’t make the Dean’s List, but is amazingly effective at completing a B-minus paper he only started at 3 AM. Of course, if he’d gone to college in Tennessee, Cortland Finnegan would have intercepted his paper on the way to class and returned it for a game-clinching TD. And then Alex Smith would have to settle for a mark that’s quite familiar to him: an incomplete.

Chris Johnson had another big game, but handled the ball over 25 times for the second consecutive week. It looks like the team has committed to wearing out their best player in a quest to finish 6-10, instead of 4-12, and salvage Jeff Fisher’s job. Backup running back LenDale White carried the ball four times for three yards, and after the game announced he’s planning to go back to drinking Patron tequila.

Arizona 41, Chicago 21

From week to week, it is very difficult to tell how good the Arizona Cardinals are. They pull out surprise victories against teams like the Giants they seem inferior to, and lose games to teams like the Panthers. One thing seems clear: they play way better away from Phoenix, which implies either understandable joy of getting out of the Arizona desert, or a defensive line with a weakness for the bars and co-eds of downtown Tempe.

Chicago’s horrific defense got even worse when Tommie Harris was ejected for punching an Arizona guard Deuce Lutui. This was stupid, both because Harris did it right in front of a ref, and because he punched Lutui in the helmet. Harris would have done more damage with an Indian burn, a wet willy, or the deceptive “Hertz doughnut.”

Cincinnati 17, Baltimore 7

The Bengals pushed around the Ravens on offense and defense, the defense intercepted two passes, and no one minded that Chad Johnson tried to bribe an official for a favorable replay review. Cedric Benson continued his career rejuvenation with 117 yards and a touchdown. In hindsight, Benson’s success with Cincinnati makes all kinds of sense, as it’s a team where he doesn’t stick out. So Benson got a DUI while boating? Chris Henry got a DUI, too, plus a gun charge where he was arrested while wearing his own Cincinnati jersey! Benson was a first-round bust? Cincinnati drafted Akili Smith and Ki-Jana Carter!

Meanwhile, when a reporter told Ray Lewis that Baltimore was likely to miss the playoffs, Lewis hit him after the whistle for a 15-yard penalty.

Indianapolis 20, Houston 17

In a testament to his own brilliance and Houston’s inability to adjust, Dallas Clark caught 14 passes on Sunday. It’s ironic that the Texans would be undone by a guy named Dallas. Comparable moments:

– Willie “Flipper” Anderson caught a touchdown pass against the Dolphins in 1992
– James Jett caught two TDs versus the New York Jets in 1997
– In 2005, undrafted free agent and former gold prospector “Tenderfoot” Sam O’Neill rushed for 143 yards and two touchdowns versus the 49ers. Deceived by the gold paint in the end zone, O’Neill immediately retired in order to pan for gold outside Candlestick Park.

Houston was again burned by a bad fumble, this time by Ryan Moats, the third different running back to cough one up at the goal line for the Texans. Coach Gary Kubiak has time and again stressed the dangers of dry skin, but at this point, he’s got to forbid his backfield from using hand lotion in the red zone. They can moisturize while the team’s on defense, Coach!

New Orleans 30, Carolina 20

A visiting New Orleans fan confessed this weekend that he no longer worries when the team falls behind by two touchdowns, because they often make up that deficit in five minutes. He hopes that the team does not share his lackadaisical attitude towards deficits – at some point, it’s got to come back to burn them, right? Not yet, as Drew Brees threw for 330 yards and a TD. On the plus side for carolina, Jake Delhomme didn’t throw a single interception, and only fumbled once – which was returned for a touchdown, but, baby steps, you know?

San Diego 21, New York 20

The Eli Manning trade came back to haunt the Giants yet again, as Phillip Rivers threw a game-winning touchdown pass in the final seconds to send the Giants to their fourth straight loss. Shawne Merriman, another byproduct of the Manning trade, also came through with some big plays and some stupid-ass dances, probably due to steroid use and being a jackass, respectively. The Giants ultimately blew it when they had first and goal late in the fourth quarter, but had to settle for a field goal after Chris Snee, the coach’s son-in-law, committed a holding penalty that pushed the Giants back. The only consolation is that Thanksgiving is still two weeks away, and Coughlin can’t realistically wield an enormous sharp knife around Snee before then. Besides, someone else on the Giants will inevitably screw up in a loss before then.

Dallas 20, Philadelphia 16

Dallas won a huge divisional game, but the Wade Phillips Disappointment Cam was in full effect for the entire game. After every Cowboys penalty, NBC immediately cut to a shot of Wade Phillips, who has the saddest expression of disappointment in all of professional football. Every false start makes Phillips look like one of his pets just died, which actually might be a motivating technique used by owner Jerry Jones. He’s rich enough and crazy enough to kill Wade’s pets.

Near the end of the first half, Andy Reid used one of his remaining timeouts to ice the Dallas kicker – before a 22-yard field goal attempt. Yes, roughly the same distance as an extra point. This was due to Reid’s unfamiliarity with HAVING any timeouts left at the end of a half. Neither Reid or Donovan McNabb really understand timeout rule,s or the concept of temporality and the passage of time in general. It’s one of the reasons Terrell Owens didn’t work out – they just couldn’t understand anything related to a TO. It wasn’t Reid’s fault that the Eagles got screwed on a blown replay review of a fourth-down quarterback sneak, but given how bad Philly is at both short-yardage conversions and coach’s challenges, you can’t really blame the refs for leaning on historical precedent and denying the first down.

Pittsburgh 28, Denver 10

Pittsburgh safety Ryan Clark has a rare blood disease which causes his blood to sickle when he exerts himself at high altitude. After playing in Denver two years ago, he was hospitalized and nearly died. Despite this, he was only listed as “questionable” for this week’s game against the Broncos. That is how crazy football players are (“I might die, but on the other hand, this game might be a tiebreaker for the wild-card slot.”) Denver QB Kyle Orton demonstrated signs that he has a rare disease causing his arm muscles to atrophy when he exerts himself against a quality team, throwing three interceptions, including two to Clark’s replacement.

Thursday Night NFL preview: Chicago at San Francisco

Matt Millen, the worst GM in NFL history, is now working as a game analyst for the NFL Network. Since he’s working the TV broadcast, Millen was asked to give commentary about the upcoming Bears-49ers matchup. This week is perfect for Millen-specific analysis:

– Is it difficult for teams to face long losing streaks?
– Should the 49ers shuffle their quarterback for no reason?
- Where do you like to go for vacations in January?

What is Matt Millen going to say? “The 49ers used a first-round pick on a wide receiver even though no one on the team can block. I LOVED that move. Meanwhile, the Chicago defense has a lot of old players who can’t tackle – again, this is the kind of personnel move I can’t get enough of.”

Sean Keane is a stand up comedian, writer, and sports fan based in San Francisco, Ca. He has written for ESPN the magazine, Mc Sweeney’s, and the ever popular NBA tumblr.

Brett Favre returned to Lambeau Field, the New York-Philadelphia rivalry spread to the gridiron, and Cleveland’s season actually got sadder. There was no Sunday Night Football, ostensibly because of the World Series, but realistically, it’s because Bob Costas has to get a chemical peel and synthesize a new toupee every year at mid season. The NFC West is terrible, the NFC East is suddenly wide open, and while half of the AFC North had a bye week, the Ravens played with the strength of four teams against Denver. Meanwhile, Cleveland was about as dominant as the Gimp from “Pulp Fiction.” To the games!

Indianapolis 18, San Francisco 14

The 49ers are now 3-4, but two of those losses were “moral victories”: keeping it close on the road against superior teams. Which makes them the Bad News Bears of the NFL.  If the 49ers end up tied for first place in the NFC West at the end of the year, and their head-to-head, divisional, and conference records are all even, and strength of schedule is a wash, and the coin they flip keeps landing on its edge instead of settling on heads or tails, then their moral victory total just might end up the tiebreaker.

Again, a team left too much time on the clock for Peyton Manning at the end of the first half. The 49ers ran a nice two-minute drill and scored with 33 seconds left, but they only gained four points in the exchange when Indy drove down to the 14. Arguably, Indianapolis got too conservative, kicking with six seconds to spare. The game-winning touchdown came on a pass from running back Joseph Addai, who pulled a reverse Princess Bride maneuver, surprising the 49ers defenders who did not realize he was indeed left-handed.

Carolina 34, Arizona 21

The Jake Delhomme Redemption  is in full effect. Delhomme threw five interceptions against Arizona in last year’s playoffs, resulting in a huge upset loss and a downward spiral for Carolina that left them 3-4 this year.  Now, in a forgettable Week 8 rematch, he’s vanquished his opponent. Carolina ran the ball 44 times and called only 15 passes, which might have been a few too many for safety with Delhomme at the wheel. John Fox went with the “Rain Man” strategy – letting Delhomme drive, but only slowly, on the driveway.

Kurt Warner threw five interceptions, and by halftme, his wife was calling radio stations to pre-emptively complain about the impending criticism. Much like Warner himself, the Cardinals hate being at home – they’re 1-3 in Glendale, 3-0 on the road.

San Diego 24, Raiders 16

In the season’s most hilarious play so far, two Raiders receivers collided and fell down with about a minute to go.Through no fault on his own (this one time!) JaMarcus Russell had his most successful game, with only one interception, and broke the century mark for yardage. If only an NFL team could earn points for how many times its fans called the opposing fans “faggots”. Because that is something Raider Nation did a lot this week.

Chicago 30, Cleveland 6

This is how bad Cleveland is: Chicago won by 24 points, and the post-game talk from Chicago is pure misery. At least the Bears have the self-awareness to realize that a 24-point home victory against the
Browns is the equivalent of a seven-to-ten-point loss against any other NFL team, and a three-point win if they’re playing Detroit. Jay Cutler was sacked four times, and his mouth bled steadily for most of the second half. He’s lucky the game wasn’t played in Cleveland, or he would have ended up with a staph infection.

Derek Anderson had another terrible game, and has moved from unhappiness and self-criticism to pure existential dread in his post-game comments, saying, “I’m not happy about anything.” Meanwhile, Cleveland won’t play the slightly-less-horrible Brady Quinn because if he takes 70% of the snaps, it will trigger an escalator clause in his contract, which the Browns don’t want to pay. Intentionally sabotaging the team’s season to save money: a good way to inspire confidence from your players. Cleveland also fired its GM this week, even though there’s no way trading exclusively for the Jets’ unwanted players is his idea and not Coach Mangini’s. Security took him out of the team facility when he refused to resign on his own (which would also save money). Maybe the GM insulted one of LeBron’s friends?

Dallas 38, Seattle 17

The Dread Pirate Romo took no prisoners in this one, throwing to ten different receivers for 250 yards and three TDs. Miles Austin caught a touchdown pass, but then shamed himself when he tried and failed to
dunk the ball over the crossbar. Austin should have to wear a Steve Nash jersey next week as penance. Wade Phillips continued to spite fantasy players by splitting carries among three running backs, and Julius Jones continued to frustrate fantasy owners by being Julius Jones.

Seattle dropped to 2-5, getting blown out for the fourth time this year. Normally this would mean they’re not making the playoffs, but they play in the NFC West, where a 7-9 record could take the division. Seattle still gets to play Tampa, Detroit, Tennessee, and the Rams, so closing the season with a 5-4 run is not at all improbable. God, what a depressing division.

Eagles 40, Giants 17

The Eagles-Giants clash took place across the street from where the Phillies and Yankees would face off a few hours later. That meant twelve straight hours of drinking for Philadelphia fans.  This game was never in doubt, as the Eagles jumped out to such a big lead, the only way they could have blown it was to bring in Brad Lidge to run the Wildcat in the 4th quarter. I don’t know how that would work – somehow Johnny Damon catches a shotgun snap and runs it back for a TD because Lidge isn’t paying attention and wanders away from the line of scrimmage, and Ryan Howard whiffs on a tackle.

Meanwhile, the pseudo-Seans again had a field day for Philadelphia. DeSean Jackson caught a long TD pass, and LeSean McCoy had a 66-yard touchdown run. The lesson? The Phillies could have used third baseman Chone Figgins to chase down Johnny Damon later that night.

Baltimore 30, Denver 7

The Broncos fell from the ranks of the undefeated, thanks to a game-breaking kickoff return by Lardarius Webb, which is the first time in NFL history “Darius” has been preceded by that particular phoneme. In the first quarter, Ed Reed hit Knowshon Moreno so hard, Moreno thought he was back at Georgia for the rest of the first half. More like No-shon, amirite people?

This game ended up a rout, the point that Mercury Morris decided to go wine shopping in the fourth quarter. Morris, along with the other veterans of the 1973 Miami Dolphins have a tradition where they open a bottle of champagne once the last undefeated team in the league loses, to preserve their place in NFL history.  The 2007 Patriots veterans have a similar tradition, where they open a bottle and pour it and then Justin Tuck bursts in and slaps the glasses out of their hands and also somehow David Tyree is balancing a full magnum of Dom Perrignon on top of his head.

Miami 30, New York Jets 25

The Jets played this game in weird throwback uniforms that made them look like the San Diego Chargers.  This is fitting, as the Jets and Chargers are both known for trash-talking, showboating, and not being nearly as good as they think they are. Of course, the Chargers can actually beat the Dolphins, so, point for San Diego. Ted Ginn had return TDs of 100 and 101 yards in the second half, and the Jets might be regretting trading their best special teams player for Braylon Edwards.

Last time Miami beat the Jets, linebacker Bart Scott said the Miami “Wildcat” was a “gimmick offense”, apparently not up to Scott’s manly standards. After another loss, Scott criticized:

- Ted Ginn’s “pussy-ass dodging and juking.”
- Wide receiver Greg Camarillo (“nerd”), and his “fucking book-learning.”
- Why Chad Henne’s “always gotta yell the snap count all loud
sometimes even though he’s not snapping it, like a fag.”
- Miami’s mascot (“Dolphins are the queers of the fish kingdom!”)

Houston 31, Buffalo 10

This was a matchup of two cities that were screwed by the Tennessee Titans: Houston, by the Oilers/Titans moving away; Buffalo by the Music City Miracle in 2000. That amazing victory should have been payback for Buffalo’s magical comeback versus Houston in the 1993 Frank Reich game, but since the team moved, only the franchise itself got vindication. To make matters worse, the name of the magical game only rubbed it in Houston’s face – it’s the MUSIC CITY miracle, not the “Home Run Throwback,” or “that game that might have been fixed by gamblers.”

While this game crushed Buffalo’s meager playoff hopes, I still contend that Houston is not making the playoffs either. It looks like they’re on track – they’re 5-3, 3-1 on the road – but they’re still looking at two losses against the Colts, at least one more road loss, and then a crushing home defeat to the Patriots in the season finale, culminating in a 9-7 record, a missed playoff berth, and drafting between 12 and 16 for yet another year. But take heart, Houston fans: Tracy McGrady should be back in time to lose in the first round of the playoffs next spring!

St. Louis 17, Detroit 10

The Rams got their first win of the season, while Detroit is trying to prove it’s actually worse than they were in last year’s 0-16 campaign. Stephen Jackson had a huge game, including his first rushing touchdown of the year. Jackson is still one of the best running backs in the league. Among all the terrible players on both teams was reminiscent, he was one shining beacon of talent and quality football. It was like seeing Danny Almonte destroy opponents in the Little League World Series when he was two years older than all the other
kids. For his own sake – and the safety of their own defensive players in practice – the Rams need to trade Jackson to a real team.

After the game, Rams coach Steve Spagnuolo said, “We’re not going to be blinded by one game. We’re 1-7.” However, it appears the Lions may have been blinded by their one victory, beating the Redskins and
deciding to call it a season. This game was full of horrible plays, from a Rams cornerback intercepting a pass, then running back into the end zone for a safety, to the Lions giving up a long touchdown pass to
the opposing placekicker. It’s a rare game that inspires an AP copy editor to use the word “Yuck” in a headline, but this one did it.

Tennessee 30, Jacksonville 13

Vince Young made his first start of the year, and the Titans won their first game, leaving Tampa the only winless team in the NFL. Chris Johnson ran for 228 yards, which probably pissed off Kerry Collins. Johnson had TD runs of 52 and 89 yards, while Maurice Jones-Drew scored from 79 and 80 yards out.  Basically, both teams played defense the way Plaxico Burress carries a gun into a nightclub: no safeties.

Minnesota 38, Green Bay 26

The Green Bay-Brett Favre has officially entered the Brad Pitt-Jennifer Aniston arena. Packer fans are being polite, even though you know it’s KILLING them to see Minnesota beat them twice, and start the year 7-1, and pick up a Best Actor Oscar nomination. At the same time, they’re trying to talk themselves into Aaron Rodgers as a totally adequate replacement, as if he’s Vince Vaughn. “Just look how he throws the long ball! That sack rate is going to go down! Look how well ‘The Breakup’ did on DVD!”  Also, it wouldn’t surprise me if Favre tried to adopt Visanthe Shiancoe.

Johnny Jolley cost the Packers four points with a stupid head butt of Adrian Peterson that extended a Vikings drive, and got them a touchdown instead of a field goal. Jolley’s move was much like eating at a Jollibee, only the head butt is delivered to your stomach, and it costs you the ability to have a normal bowel movement for two days.

New Orleans 35, Atlanta 27

The Saints are like Colts South: two undefeated teams with high-powered offenses that cause a lot of turnovers. Of course, thanks to the NFL’s nonsensical geography, the Colts also play in the South Division.  Atlanta pulled off the impressive, Madden-inspired gambit of kicking a field goal while down eleven, and then quickly kicking onside.  They got the ball back, but ran out of time. In what must be a relief to the people of Louisiana, the AP sports writers are still referencing Hurricane Katrina in their game summaries.

Sean Keane is a stand up comedian, writer, and sports fan based in San Francisco, Ca. He has written for ESPN the magazine, Mc Sweeney’s, and the ever popular NBA tumblr.