Matt Millen, the worst executive in NFL history, was the perfect announcer for this shit sandwich game. For a close contest, it was remarkably lacking in drama, or competence. Here’s a sequence from the end of the game: Clinging to a four-point lead with four minutes to go, the 49ers had to convert a 3^rd-and-3. QB Alex Smith was flushed from the pocket, and forced a wobbly shovel pass to Michael Robinson, who fell down. Luckily, no Chicago defender was nearby, so he was able to roll forward for the first down. Then Robinson went out of bounds, stopping the clock unnecessarily. The 49ers inched the ball forward to the Chicago 34, and then punted deep into the end zone, for a touchback and a gain of 14 yards of field position. The Bears’ subsequent drive featured five penalties and an interception in the end zone. After the game, Time Warner decided not to add the NFL Network to its cable packages, ever.

Alex Smith won his first game since September of 2007, when Hillary Clinton was the presidential front-runner. “The Brave One” had just knocked off “3:10 to Yuma” as box-office champ.  America’s top song was “Crank That (Soulja Boy),” Lehman Brothers was still a year away from bankruptcy, and one day earlier, Michael Crabtree racked up 244 yards and three touchdowns in just his third collegiate game. Smith is due for another victory in late December of 2011, which will be his last before the Mayan apocalypse brings about the end of the NFL and the rest of life as we know it.

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