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Retrospective: White Legends of the NCAA Tournament

Sean Keane March Madness

BYU returns to play tonight, led by their celibate Caucasian superstar Jimmer Fredette. Jimmer, known as Jameser to his friends, is averaging 33 points a game through the first two games of the tournament. The third-seeded Cougars, ironically named after the groupies that their school’s honor code forbids them to enjoy, face off against the second-seeded Florida Gators. If you have premarital sex at BYU, you are kicked off the team, while at Florida, premarital sex is an integral component of the pre-game shoot around.

Jimmer is a thrilling player, and easily the greatest white player remaining in the big dance. Duke’s Kyle Singler has the pallor and softness of a traditional Caucasian great, but he lacks the sharpshooting and family connections of a Mike Dunleavy, Jr., the scrappiness of a Wojo, or the premature baldness of a Danny Ferry.

In honor of what might be Jimmer’s final college game, let’s take a look at some of the other great white heroes of March Madness.

Bryce Drew

First up is Valparaiso’s Bryce Drew. In 1998, Drew hit a three-pointer at the buzzer and 13th-seed Valparaiso beat Mississippi State. Drew became a first-round draft pick, washed out of the NBA quickly, and his shot has been a part of March Madness montages ever since.

Drew is a great white hero not just because of his dramatic shot, but because he exemplifies many white values. The success of the play relied on the white collegian’s bread and butter, shooting accuracy, rather than running, jumping, or dribbling. His father, Homer, was the coach who drew up the play for him, meaning the miracle was made possible by nepotism, traditionally an important part of white culture. Drew currently works as his father’s assistant and designated successor, meaning he also represents the white value of inherited wealth.

The miracle involved accurate shooting, and was also made possible by Ansu Sesay missing two free throws right before the attempt. “That’s why they call them free,” said white dads all over America, including Homer Drew himself.

Adam Morrison

Adam Morrison was the Player of the Year at Gonzaga in 2006, along with fellow Caucasian J.J. Redick. In 2006, not 1956! It’s like giving out a Computer of the Year award, and splitting it between an Apple Newton and a Speak and Spell! Morrison starred at Gonzaga, the school that produced such players as John Stockton (white), Blake Stepp (white), Dan Dickau (white), and Ronny Turiaf (black, but French). He was a devastating college scorer with a 15-inch vertical leap, and became entirely ineffective upon reaching the NBA, where he faced players who could actually jump to contest a shot.

In his final college season, Morrison and his teammates nearly upset UCLA, but blew a 17-point lead. Not only did Gonzaga suffer a stunning defeat, the loss left Morrison face down on the court, crying his eyes out. And as Yelp.com has taught us, there’s no whiter reaction to something that displeases you than crying about it in a public place.

Gerry McNamara

Gerry McNamara of Syracuse was an undersized white point guard who could shoot three-pointers like no other. He won an NCAA title as a freshman, hitting six three-pointers in the first half, though some would argue that Syracuse won thanks to another talented freshman named Carmelo Anthony. McNamara continued to bomb threes for the remainder of his career, winning two more Big East titles, to go along with the thirty-seven sunburns he received in his college career.

Three-point shooting is the whitest basketball activity there is, and McNamara excelled at that, but he’s really on this list due to his name. “Gerry McNamara” could easily be a retired police captain from the Boston PD, a prizefighter from the ’50s who only fights guys named Dutch and Rocky, or the backup guard at Hickory High. Gerry McNamara is going the plaque in the Caucasian college basketball Hall of fame simply because “Whitey McWhiterson” wouldn’t fit.

Christian Laettner

Christian Laettner is the prototypical white March Madness hero. He went to Duke, the whitest college, and played for Mike Krzyzewski, who is the whitest coach in America, if not the whitest man entirely. He had the strong jaw and vaguely homoerotic look of an Abercrombie model. Even his name evoked family values, Republican fundraisers, and colonialist missionary efforts. They might as well have called him “Judeo-Christian Laettner.”

Laettner’s greatest game came in the 1992 East Regional final versus Kentucky. He shot 10-for-10 from the field, and 10-for-10 from the free throw line AND stomped on the chest of a black player. And he got away with it! That Duke team also featured Caucasian superstar Bobby Hurley, and their best black player was named “Grant.” In other words, the way to say “government assistance” for white people instead of saying “welfare.” And like all true white college superstars, Laettner’s pro career was extremely disappointing.

NCAA Tournament – Day One, Southeast Region

Sean Keane Madness

There were sixteen games on Thursday, and only sixteen different commercials that ran in constant rotation on the various networks. If you’ve found yourself inexplicably singing, “Napa Know-How! Napa Know-How!” this is the reason why. After a while, you don’t even think of the products, and instead ask yourself things like:

  • “Is it wrong that I find the daughter in that Subaru commercial hot?”
  • “Could a State Farm agent transform broadcaster Ian Eagle into Gus Johnson?”
  • “Why doesn’t Hanes digitally remove that Hitler mustache from Michael Jordan’s face?”
  • “Is the “Walk on the Wild Side” Hewlett Packard commercial any worse than when Lou Reed did a scooter commercial?

Speaking of overplaying, the Southeast region saw all 16 of its teams compete on Thursday. Out of those sixteen, only four will survive the weekend and advance to New Orleans. They also win a continental breakfast with Harry Connick, Junior, and a rowboat tour of the levees led by a shotgun-wielding Sean Penn. So there’s quite a bit at stake here.

#1 Pittsburgh 74, UNC-Asheville 51
A 16-seed has never beaten a 1-seed, and it didn’t happen here, either. Pitt displayed domiannce on rebounding, defense, and in the incredible whiteness of their band:

Pitt band


#2 Florida 79, #15 UC Santa Barbara 51

This was no ordinary 2-15 battle; it was a showdown between two of the most acclaimed party schools in the nation. And on St. Patrick’s Day, no less! Florida played a excellent game from the start, while the Gauchos played like they’d done a bunch of Irish Car Bombs in the locker room. Having visited Isla Vista, I wouldn’t be that surprised if they had. Florida had ten more rebounds, protected the ball better, and even made more free throws. Meanwhile, their 5-for-19 performance on threes showed that the Gauchos feel victim to something that’s befallen many UCSB students over the years: too many ill-advised shots.

#3 BYU 74, #14 Wofford 66

Jimmer Fredette scored 32 points, the the BYU Cougars held of a feisty Wofford team by eight. Wofford remained defiant in the loss. Wofford guard Jamar Diggs said, “We’re going to go back home, watch the game tape, have a couple beers, and then have sex with our girlfriends. Or anyone we want. We’ll probably drink a bunch of coffee afterwards, too. So long, suckers.”

#4 Wisconsin 72, #13 Belmont 58

Wisconsin scored 33 points in their previous game, and looked to be on their way to a similar outcome by scoring eight points in the first ten minutes. Thankfully, they started making a few shots afterward, but by then, America had turned to one of the other three games that featured actual offense. Perhaps this is an intentional strategy by Wisconsin, who don’t want to play exciting basketball lest they induce heart attacks in their cheese-eating, stroh’s-swilling fans.

This game also introduced the world to reserve forward Mike Bruesewitz, who looks like what would happen if Chase Budinger and Robin Lopez had a child, and that child was later turned into a vampire:

Mike Bruesewitz

#5 Kansas State 73, #12 Utah State 68

While the high seed normally wears white in these battles, Kansas State took the court in grey-and-purple jerseys that looked like camouflage on TV. Perhaps their strategy was to literally hide behind screens and surprise ball handlers who thought they had a clear path to the basket. Or they thought the game was going to be played in a tropical rain forest. Utah State kept it close, but ultimately failed to be all they could be, as did my bracket, in which I incorrectly picked Utah State to pull an upset for the second consecutive year. You’re dead to me, Aggies!

#11 Gonzaga 86, #6 St. John’s 71

Adam Morrison was so proud of his old team pulling the upset, he burst into tears. He also cried because nine months ago, he was playing for the world champion Lakers, and now he’s working as a janitor at an arena in Denver.

#7 UCLA, #10 Michigan State

It felt a little bit like the movie 300: the Spartans were hopeless underdogs, yet battled back to a close defeat, and Kalin Lucas tried to kick UCLA’s Malcolm Lee into a pit of death early in the second half. While Coach Tom Izzo and Michigan State had earned a first-round “W” for the last five years, their comeback fell short this year, and it was an “L” to the Izzo.

#8 Butler 60, #9 Old Dominion 58

Somehow, Old Dominion was favored in this game, even though Butler scrapped their way to the national title game last year. This one was tied up until the final second, when Matt Howard tipped in a rebound to win at the buzzer. Howard, who abandoned last year’s enormous t-shirt, looks like an Andy Samberg character and wears a knee brace, along with a crazy Iverson-style sleeve over most of his right arm. He’s a wristband and a small beer gut away from being a YMCA regular. Butler plays Pitt next round, and Pitt can’t be happy about that, if only for the inevitable, “The Butler Did It” headlines that would follow an upset loss.

Matt Howard

NCAA Tournament – Day One, Part One

Sean Keane March Madness

The first real day of tournament action was thrilling, full of upsets, buzzer-beaters, and millions of Americans discovering that “TruTV” is an actual television network. It used to be Court TV, and besides NCAA games, their programming appears to consist of live trial coverage and home movies of people doing stupid things and injuring themselves. Both of those apply to Kentucky coach Rick Pitino. Grab your brackets, and let’s bust it!

East Region

#5 West Virginia 84, #12 Clemson 76

Clemson won their play-in game Tuesday night, then got stuck with a 12:15 start time on Tuesday, which makes me conclude that Coach Brad Brownlee might have slept with the wife of a selection committee member. The game was uneven enough that Jonnie West, son of Jerry, got some playing time, during which he hit a three-point shot and somehow traded for Kobe Bryant.

#4 Kentucky 59, #13 Princeton 57

Princeton almost pulled off the huge upset, but Kentucky hit a lay-in in the final seconds to win it. Coach Sydney Johnson cried after the game, which makes me think he has a future coaching the Miami Heat. This was a Cinderella story in the brutal German folklore tradition, where stepsisters get their eyes gouged out by birds, and Cinderella dies of typhus on her way to the ball. These disappointed Princeton players will have to comfort themselves with their lifetime of Ivy League advantages, along with white privilege.

West Region

#6 Cincinnati 78, #11 Missouri 63

Cincinnati’s authoritative victory leaves America asking, “What the hell is a Bearcat, anyway?” Wikipedia says it could mean a mountain lion, a wolverine, or a mammal from Southeast Asia called the binturong. The binturong is known for its prehensile tail and stifling perimeter defense, and can become vicious outside of its natural Big East habitat. After this vicious beating, Missouri players have been encouraged to get rabies shots.

#3 Connecticut 81, #14 Bucknell 52

If you had Bucknell advancing here, you’re probably not winning your office pool. You’re also probably related to a player on Bucknell’s team. Connecticut absolutely dominated, and in a tribute to Connecticut’s largest industry, the Mohegan Sun casino, they easily covered the spread.

#7 Temple 66, #10 Penn State 64

Penn State hit a huge shot to tie the game, and Juan Fernandez of Temple responded with a go-ahead basket of his own. It wasn’t a buzzer-beater, since a few seconds remained on the clock – more of a buzzer-molester, a shot that gets inappropriately close to the zero mark. Penn State tried a desperation heave at the buzzer, which hit the scoreboard. That tells me that the scoreboard is way too low on that court in Anaheim, but since it’s only the relocated Sacramento Kings that will be playing there, I predict that no one will care.

#2 San Diego 68, #15 Northern Colorado 50

Is Northern Colorado an actual school? I think it’s possible that a really good intramural team from San Diego State made some fake stationery and a website during a snowboarding trip to Colorado, and duped the NCAA into believing the scam. I mean, Tate Unruh? That’s not a real name. Also, SDSU Coach Steve Fisher is 65 years old and doesn’t look a day over 93.

Steve Fisher

Check out more of Sean Keane’s sports blogging over at SportsCentr, and at Sean Keane Comedy.

LEBRON JAMES & “LOST”: THE FINAL SEASONS

There were high hopes for something epic to occur this spring in the world of sports and the world of television. LeBron James was finishing the final year of his contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers, and on ABC, “Lost” was finishing its six-season run. Would there be resolution to all the frustrating plotlines? Was the storyline going somewhere (the NBA Finals, a parallel dimension), or were the powers-that-be simply spinning their wheels and throwing familiar parts together? Would everyone make their escape from the miserable land that sucks you in and won’t let you leave? By which I mean Cleveland, but it was unclear whether anyone would get off the Island either.

We all know that it ended in disappointment. But still, there are a lot of parallels between the final season of “Lost” and LeBron’s final (sorry, Cavs fans) season as a Cavalier: Read more »

FREE TICKETS: Cal vs. Stanford this Saturday!


TBS and Rooftop Comedy are searching for the funniest students out there! 32 colleges across the country compete in the ultimate battle of the funny in the National College Comedy Competition.

This Saturday, the NCCC hits the SF Bay Area as students from Stanford University and UC Berkeley go head to head in the Regional Rival Match.

Come out and vote for your favorite school to advance in the competition!

Stanford Vs. Cal
Saturday, April 10th, 8PM
The Clubhouse
414 Mason St.@ Geary, 7th floor, Powell BART
Click here to purchase tickets

OR

Be the one of the first 5 people to email us at nccc(at)rooftopcomedy.com to win a pair of free tickets!

DAVID WRIGHT & THE SITUATION IN “SEASONAL TRAINING”

I know this is just a commercial for Vitamin Water, but I’d like to imagine it’s the trailer for “Bad News Bears 4: Guidos Take Manhattan.”

Plot Line: The Mets fire manager Jerry Manuel and hire Jersey Shore’s Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino. Joined by new off season recruits Pauly D and Snookie, the struggling Mets beat crosstown rival Yankees to win their first World Series title in over 20 years.

Tag Line: New team. SAME JERSEY.

NFLOL – Week 10 of NFL Football

By Comedian Sean Keane

San Francisco 10, Chicago 6

Matt Millen, the worst executive in NFL history, was the perfect announcer for this shit sandwich game. For a close contest, it was remarkably lacking in drama, or competence. Here’s a sequence from the end of the game: Clinging to a four-point lead with four minutes to go, the 49ers had to convert a 3rd-and-3. QB Alex Smith was flushed from the pocket, and forced a wobbly shovel pass to Michael Robinson, who fell down. Luckily, no Chicago defender was nearby, so he was able to roll forward for the first down. Then Robinson went out of bounds, stopping the clock unnecessarily. The 49ers inched the ball forward to the Chicago 34, and then punted deep into the end zone, for a touchback and a gain of 14 yards of field position. The Bears’ subsequent drive featured five penalties and an interception in the end zone. After the game, Time Warner decided not to add the NFL Network to its cable packages, ever.

Alex Smith won his first game since September of 2007, when Hillary Clinton was the presidential front-runner. “The Brave One” had just knocked off “3:10 to Yuma” as box-office champ.  America’s top song was “Crank That (Soulja Boy),” Lehman Brothers was still a year away from bankruptcy, and one day earlier, Michael Crabtree racked up 244 yards and three touchdowns in just his third collegiate game. Smith is due for another victory in late December of 2011, which will be his last before the Mayan apocalypse brings about the end of the NFL and the rest of life as we know it.

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NFLOL: Sean Keane gets down and dirty with Week 9 of NFL Football

By Comedian Sean Keane

It was an unusually high-quality week for NFL football in Week 9. The Redskins were the most depressing this week, though the Raiders, Bills, Rams, and Browns had a bye, making them look even worse. Now that these teams are back, we’re again subjected to Brady Quinn versus Derek Anderson, the lowest-quality quarterback controversy since Joey Harrington battled with Jeff Garcia, and Coach Tom Cable’s inevitable journey toward anger management counseling, alcohol rehab, and a one-on-one meeting with Dr. Drew. The Colts and Saints stayed undefeated, the Ravens are looking like the best team to miss the playoffs, and Thursday Night Football could not have a less inspiring game to kick off its season. To the games!
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NFLOL: Sean Keane blindsides Week 8 of NFL Football

By Comedian Sean Keane

Brett Favre returned to Lambeau Field, the New York-Philadelphia rivalry spread to the gridiron, and Cleveland’s season actually got sadder. There was no Sunday Night Football, ostensibly because of the World Series, but realistically, it’s because Bob Costas has to get a chemical peel and synthesize a new toupee every year at mid season. The NFC West is terrible, the NFC East is suddenly wide open, and while half of the AFC North had a bye week, the Ravens played with the strength of four teams against Denver. Meanwhile, Cleveland was about as dominant as the Gimp from “Pulp Fiction.” To the games!

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