Point: Happy Hanukkah!
by Emily Heller

Happy Hanukkah everybody! In honor of the season, I thought I’d share with you my latke recipe!

Now for those of you who don’t know, latkes (LOTT-kuhz) are a traditional type of potato pancake  eaten by Jewish people.  My dad taught me how to make them. While they are time intensive, they are delicious and totally worth it.

Get these things together: 6 potatoes, flour, 1 or 2 eggs, onions, oil, salt, pepper, apple sauce, sour cream.

The recipe is pretty simple – grate up a bunch of potatoes into a bowl. Try to pour out the extra moisture or pat it with a towel. Mix in some eggs, flour (Matzoh meal if you’re going to be traditional), salt, pepper, and grated onions. Garlic too, if you like. Make sure the onions are grated or chopped really fine so they don’t screw up the consistency of the batter. Mix by hand. It feels gross. Add in flour til it gets a nice consistency for making patties.

Meanwhile, heat up some vegetable oil in a pan until it’s real hot. You’ll know it’s ready when you drop a small piece of something in there and it immediately starts bubbling and crackling like crazy.

Grab a small handful of the mixture and smoosh it down into a patty. Then carefully drop it into the oil. Flip when golden brown. When it’s done, remove it from the oil and place on a paper towel or cheese cloth to absorb some of the extra oil. Serve with apple sauce and sour cream and it is so amazing.

Latkes are traditional for Hanukkah because it’s a celebration of when some people were locked in a temple or something and they had to make a small amount of oil last for eight days and it did and it was a miracle! So the oil that you cook the latkes in represents God’s love and miracles!

Normally my dad makes latkes on Christmas morning. But my parents are watching their weight this year, so I had to make myself as many latkes as I could handle this weekend. Making latkes for friends is good too because it gives you a chance to talk about the meaning of the holiday. Also, everyone loves latkes. Happy Hanukkah!

Counterpoint: Ugggggghhhh
Emily’s stomach

Hey Emily: FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR LATKES. Why did you have to eat twenty latkes this weekend? Explain. I know you tried to, but try again. Because your parents being on weight watchers does NOT justify eating that much deep fried potato smothered in sour cream. And seriously? Dinner on Saturday AND lunch on Sunday? Are you crazy? That’s like eating only french fries for every meal.

Hello, brain? This is the stomach. WHAT WERE YOU DOING?? Hanukkah didn’t even start until Sunday night!

I am dying here. There is so much oil up in me right now. Were you not looking at the bottle of canola while you were cooking? It’s half gone. Absorbed into the potatoes. Where did you think all that oil went? Also, I think the sour cream was sitting out for too long. You should look into that.

OH, and that smell? Are you wondering what that smell is? Oh in case you were wondering, that’s the smell of latke farts. That’s what happens when you eat twenty latkes in 24 hours. But when you explain it to your coworkers you can just call it “the  Holiday Spirit.” I’m sure they’ll understand.

It’s time to be honest, Emily: You’ve never been to Hebrew school. You didn’t tell anyone the meaning of Hanukkah. You didn’t even light the menorah. You just wanted an excuse to publicly gorge on deep fried food. And now, I have to pay for it. So, fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your stupid latkes. I’m gonna go make you puke or diarrhea now. I haven’t decided which.

Guitar Hero: Wimps need not apply
-Chris

When you’re ready to unleash your inner rock star, there’s really only one option: Guitar Hero. This epic simulation of guitar greatness is a face melting combination of button-smashing, whammy-bar shaking, solo-crunching awesomeness. Air guitar is a bunch of candy-ass sissies in neon spandex, prancing around the stage like a bunch of back-up ballerinas.

The way I see it, air guitar is like rocking out 1.0 It’s the simplest, most basic form of rocking out to tunes. It may be fun, but it requires no skill whatsoever. First and foremost, you are a guitarist. All the fancy splits and jumps are just icing on the cake. You can’t get a crowd behind you if you don’t kick out some crazy jams. With no musical talent to back up all the costumes and choreographed bullshit, you just look like a poser. Kind of like the Insane Clown Posse. You’re a gimmick.

Guitar Hero takes rocking out to the next level by making you prove your skills. Instead of spastically flailing your fingers in the air like an idiot, you have to try to hit a specific spots (almost like notes) and stay in rhythm like a real guitarist would. If you mess up, everyone’s gonna know. Guitar Hero provides accurate feedback about how much you rock. Air guitar? Not so much. If you get enough white trash in one room, they’ll cheer for anything.

Guitar Hero also provides you with the ability to jam out with your buddies. It’s a great activity for the weekends. Crack a couple brews and rock out. You can go head to head and battle it out, or run in co-op mode and make the ladies take notice. Either way, it’s guaranteed good times. Air guitar……hmmmm. I guess you can crack open the beers, but make sure you don’t get too sauced; you don’t want to end up with crooked lines in your costume. Also, your mom won’t let you use her sewing machine if you have beer on your breath, it’s too dangerous!

Air guitarists of the world take note: when you go on stage, they’re not cheering FOR you, they’re laughing AT you.

Guitar Hero? Guitar Zero.
-Will

It’s 1:00 a.m. You’re having a great time hanging with your buds. You’re seven beers in. That epic tune you haven’t heard in ages rises from the darkest depths of Mordor, erupts from the juke, and begins pummeling your very soul with its melodic greatness. What do you do?

Option A: Say to your friends, “Hey gang, let’s go play Guitar Hero! We can take turns watching each other standing in front of the TV tapping away at little toy. Don’t know it? It’s like Dance Dance Revolution, but with even neater music!” (See exhibit A)

Make this selection if you’re into trading cards, Pokémon or own a T-shirt that reads “I logged out for this?”

Option B: 1) Remove Air Guitar from Air Case. 2) Close eyes and begin channeling those tasty riffs from the rock-and-roll ether. 3) Commence your virtuosic Air shredding, for the Shadowy Lord of Rock rides with you tonight.

From its humble barroom beginnings, in recent years Air Guitar performance art has gained widespread acceptance as a potent extension of the very essence of Rock. Air Guitar detractors (timid, closeted Air Guitarists themselves) gripe that Air Guitar requires no skill. These are claims made by those who have yet to witness the likes of “PuzzyFuzzbourne The Prostitute of Rock” or Tim “Glen Airy Glen Rocks” Evans mount the stage and annihilate an audience of screaming thousands with a wall of brutal Air metal. No permission from the parents to stay up late in the rec room, no USB cables, and no plastic whammy bars required.

To our Point/CounterPoint readers I ask: whether you throw the horns on the pro-Air circuit, or occasionally obliterate an Air audience with your sweet guitar licks while driving in your car, do you need to load up a video game when you’re Ready to Rock?

Kanye should be locked up.  (Where’s his lawyer?)
-Briana
I get it, Kanye. When you’re headed to the airport to hop on a flight to Hawaii, you don’t want to be hassled by paparazzi. Especially if you aren’t completely put together that day. And nothing about that gray hoodie says hip-hop royalty. But I have to imagine that paparazzi are an integral part of the job when you’re a famous dude like Kanye. So why do we see so many celebrities engaging in violent altercations with these aggressive media stalkers? Instead, couldn’t you invest some of the millions of dollars you spend on bottle service VIP parties and designer couture on an increased security detail or a private jet charter? Why would you need to wait in line at the regular airport check-in?  You aren’t a real person, Kanye. The public loves you. They want photos of you performing normal person things, so they can imagine themselves just one step away from total stardom. 

Lock Kanye up for the assault charges. I’m not trying to keep a dude down, but I think a few days incarcerated may help his music. Because, let’s face it, when you grew up with a college professor for a mom and then became an art school drop-out, you need a little thug life experience if you’re going to connect to your fans. 

All Future Celebrities Would Agree: Leave Kanye the F*%! Alone. 
-Annie
Maybe Briana comes from a place where it’s atypical to display compassion to your fellow Americans, but where Annie comes from (The Illustrious Garden State of New Jersey) we like to keep our celebrities above the law. We also like to talk in the third person about ourselves. 

Look, Annie likes to imagine that one day she’ll be super-famous too. Which means that Annie will have her own entourage of paparazzi following me…err…her. And there is nothing as satisfying as the thought of breaking the building frustration at being constantly chased for the latest photo-op with a small act of targeted rage such as Kanye’s. It’s not like those people can’t expense their broken cameras. Annie wants to let all future paparazzi stalkers know where she stands here. Be forewarned, celebrity chasers. Annie will bring the pain if Annie feels violated while wearing a gray sweat shirt at the airport on the way to Hawaii. 

Predator for a Real Change
By Emily Sims

Ok ok, seriously, Sarah Palin doesn’t have shit on Predator.  As far as running for office goes, Palin was mayor of Wasilla, AK, from 1992-1996 and elected governor of Alaska in 2006.  You’re talking about a town with an area of 12.4 square miles.  The Predator we know is the roughest, toughest soldier from his entire alien planet who travelled at interstellar light speed to kick human ass starting in 1987 and tentatively ending in 2007.  And while he may have fallen short of destroying Arnold, I think there is something to be said for the fact that the Terminator, an ass-kicking cyborg assassin, later went on to become the governor of California.  And it seems a little too coincidental that the Terminator’s entire mission was to destroy SARAH (Connor).

Palin’s mortality is the bane of her existence if you’re planning to put her up against Predator.  He sees in electromagnetic infrared, and if the battle is going down in Alaska, she’s bound to be toast in a matter of seconds.  The Predator’s body is resilient to even the most fatal of damage; it can recover from the radiation of a Republican-deployed nuclear bomb as well as expunge multiple gunshot wounds inflicted at the discretion of the NRA.  The entire Predator culture revolves around the hunting, stalking, and killing of dangerous life forms: i.e McCain Palin ‘08.

Any “patriotic” American would tell you that Predator could not only destroy Palin with the greatest of ease, he would actually make a more suitable candidate for office.  So this fall, mark your ballot “Predator 2008.”

A vote for Palin is a vote for victory
Emily Heller

Okay, I get it. Predator is a hardcore outerspace soldier who cannot be destroyed. But what about term limits? While Sarah Palin is softer, and, yes, more vulnerable, her staunchly pro-life stance has invigorated the GOP ticket this year. Predator is by definition anti-life!

Also, dude, are you forgetting what happened at the end of Alien vs. Predator? The humans and Predators were on the same side. Predator wouldn’t even try to hunt Sarah Palin unless she was harboring an Alien Chestburster. And we all know she just gave birth six months ago so it’s mathematically impossible for her to have been attacked by a facehugger that recently.

Plus, in the final battle with the Alien queen, the Predators all pretty much died (by self-destruction! Is that the America we need?) while Alexa Woods – an experienced Arctic guide – SURVIVED the battle and was honored by the Predators with a weapon.

Hmm, sound familiar? A badass female weapons enthusiast from the far north beating out her male peers (Romney) and destroying her Alien foe (Obama) to clinch victory and save humankind? The entire movie is obviously a prophetic allegory for the ‘08 election and the Palin candidacy in general.

Plus, need I point out that she has more EXECUTIVE experience?

Music is cool, I guess.
-Paolo
I like to think that I like music. Like I’m a fan of breathing and oxygen, that’s pretty cool. There is just one thing that I don’t seem to get, which is the mash-up. The whole, let’s take two songs and put ‘em together, something about that never clicked to me, just way too jarring, too cheeky for its own good. When I want to be Hustlin’ with Rick Ross, I’d rather not be Everyday I’m doing the Hustle with Rick Ross AND Van McCoy. And jeez, I knew this guy who said he did “mash-ups”, when really all he would do is take the chorus from some Linkin Park song and the verses from Yellow Submarine from the Beatles.

I do have a soft spot for Gregg Gillis, better known as Girl Talk. The former biomedical engineer and now full time masher of music is probably the only mash-up artist I can respect myself in the morning after a night of listening to. The way I see his work is work, is less of a sometimes forced union of songs, but rather a sonic collage, more of a train of thought than that cheeky idea that would get people laughing at the sheer kitsch of it. And wow, did you hear 2006’s Night Ripper? That album in itself is almost a guaranteed party in a box. Crank dat on your iPod, and almost on cue bored hipsters and art school dropouts start shaking whatever their mamas didn’t give them to The Emotions, Purple Ribbon All-Stars, LCD Soundsystem, AND Wreckx-n-Effect at some random warehouse party. And it works! Perfectly!

Mash-ups are cute.
-Chris
I mean, I totally get it. You just got your new iMac, you opened up GarageBand for the first time, smoked a little mary jane, and thought, “Dude, how fucked up would that be if I took Biance’s vocals and put it over some Nirvana?” Totally, I get it. That would be sweet. You know what would be even sweeter? How about we throw in some Enya, add a little Aerosmith, and finish it off with a pinch of Dave Matthews Band? Even sweeter! It all kinda reminds of the stuff I would “cook” for my mom when I was a kid. Like that time I made her waffles with syrup, bananas, powdered sugar, and some Nestle’s Quik (true story). It would be great if you were high, but god awful if you’re not. Now, I’m not going to say that I hate Girl Talk (and you can’t make me!), I just don’t care. To bag on Girl Talk is kinda like what Maddox does to kids on his website “I am better than your kids”. It’s just mean.

Tim vs. Heidi: Who really runs the show?
-Annie
He had me at his very first “Make it work”. I’ve been a fan of Project Runway since day one, and despite my girl crush on Heidi Klum (sexual preference aside, you’re a liar if you say you don’t have one), Tim Gunn is the main reason the show has gone into its fifth fierce season.

Tim is the glue that holds the show together (that’s just a metaphor; please don’t use glue in your garments). When he first appeared as the contestants’ mentor, I don’t think I was alone in wondering “Who is this so-called fashion expert, and does he really talk like that in real life?” Was he just playing a character? The answer is, yes, he is, but he’s playing Tim Gunn. His non-distracting uniform (nice suit, smart glasses, and conservative haircut) is defiantly not trendy, yet he has an eagle’s eye for cutting-edge style. He remains adorably distant from all things pop culture, making his reactions to the colorful personalities on the show refreshing and genuine. (“Holler at your boy? Holler? Do you mean Hollow? I don’t get it.”)

His soundbites are unarguably the best, with my favorite being actually from a trailer from an upcoming episode: “It looks like a pterodactyl from a gay Jurassic Park.” !!!!!! And it’s made even better because he is not only NOT a drag queen, he is actually asexual. He is understated and doesn’t try too hard, and that is why I love him.

Heidi, aka “The Body”, sure she is hot and cool and married to Seal who is a badass, but let’s face it, she makes no valuable contribution to the critique of the designs, and it’s glaringly obvious that they have to dub her VO because you know she just messes up her lines all the time. Tim needs no redo’s, no cue cards; he needs to just be himself and to always be on Project Runway so I can continue to adore him.

The bottom line is, they could change the host from Heidi Klum to another supermodel, and the show would still retain at least 80% of its success. But lose Tim Gunn? You can say auf Weidersehen to your entire fan base.

Heidi Klum is the lifeblood of Project Runway.
-Will
Why Heidi and not Tim? Let me break it down by her qualities:
Genius: As executive producer, it was Heidi’s big brain that came up with the entire idea of Project Runway. Like she says, “It’s not just some stupid show where people blend up worms.” Take that Tim “I was hoping to do a worm show” Gunn.

Selfless: A lot of reality show hosts center everything on themselves. They can’t get their narcissistic mugs out of the spotlight. Not Heidi. She’s barely on camera, and that really helps Runway. She also gives each contestant a free bottle of one of her two signature perfumes, “Heidi Klum” or “Me”.

Private (and Normal): Tim Gunn’s always yapping about himself. “I believe in you.” “I want you to succeed.” Jeez, Tim, is it really all about what you think or want? With Heidi she never talks about herself and not once has she mentioned how she keeps a small bag full of the teeth she lost as a child as a good luck charm.

Succinct: In the time it takes Paula or Simon to berate some poor knucklehead, Heidi could dismiss an entire season of American Idol contestants with a few terse “you’re outs.” That keeps PR moving. And keeping things short and sweet comes natural to Heidi, mother of Henry Guenther Ademola Dashtu Samuel and Johan Riley Fyodor Taiwo Samuel.

Respectful of Boundaries: A lot of shows take it too far, and in Tim’s hands PR would surely devolve into the standard reality fare of thimble swallowing and ironing fights. But Heidi never panders to pain or humiliation. Who could forget the “Ruin Your Favorite Thing In The Entire World” episode where contestants had to tear apart the one object in their hopeless little lives that gives them some glimpse of meaning? As Heidi says, “They lost their favorite leather jacket, or they lost their favorite pair of jeans. I’m very proud of that. I came up with that myself.”

Yeah, Heidi is the brains and the personality behind Project Runway. So if it comes down to booting someone off the show, Heidi, that means you are in.

Hot off the presses! We’ve been informed that Laurence Fishburne is indeed joining the cast of CSI! Our own Point/Counterpoint discussed this a few weeks ago.  Check out our groovy debate here.  I win! I win!

Michael Phelps is HOT!
-Jen

Michael Phelps is an excellent specimen of a man…woo is it getting hot in here?? He’s pretty much hands down the best Olympian in history with, I think 11 gold metals and counting. They say he has an arm span of 6’7”….and don’t I wish he would wrap those Albatross arms around me! And have you seen those shoulders? I mean come on they are round and big and lovely….I wouldn’t mind taking a bite out of them!
The one issue I have with Michael is his teeth. Now, I speak from experience, as a former headgear wearer. After 5 years in braces, I had to re-learn how to swallow (that’s for another discussion), so I know what it’s like. But let’s get with the program Michael and get some orthodontia – I mean you have the money so it’s not a financial aid issue. If anything, take one of those gold metals and melt that sucker down and get yourself a sick ass grill! I’m sure Baltimore would love it!

Michael Phelps looks like a monkey.
-Briana

Listen, I’m all for hot swimmers. I used to hang with them poolside myself back on the swim team. And I’m not going to knock Phelps for his athleticism. He’s amazing to watch in the water. But all that aside, when that dude steps out of the pool and receives a close-up, NBC Olympic coverage style, I’m not exactly liking what I see. Thankfully he swims with a cap on, because otherwise those ears would create some serious drag in the water, possibly causing him his medals.
I don’t want to pick apart his face, I really don’t. The man doesn’t really need a pretty face – he’ll have no trouble with the ladies going forward. His real asset is his killer swimmer bod – which, coincidentally, he seems to want to cover up with that full length swim outfit he seems to be rocking more and more lately. Michael, do us all a favor and bring back the speedo. It distracts us from your monkey face.

Long Live the New Caruso
-Paolo.
I’m not an avid CSI watcher. I’ll admit that, but CSI has been there for me on those hungover Sundays on Spike TV, perpetually rerunning. So when I got wind that William Petersen is leaving CSI, I feel like I have to write this, to thank him for always being there for me. I have come to the conclusion that CSI lives and dies with William Petersen. William Petersen will live forever on Spike TV. And although Petersen will remain on as executive producer and will drop on by for the occasional cameo, you know, and I know, that any future episode without Petersen at the helm will just become excuses to pass time until he eventually does guest star. Plus, Jorja Fox is pulling a NYPD Blue era David Caruso (ALL ROADS LEAD BACK TO CSI). So there’s no point in trying to let it go on, as much as you might tempt with me people who played Cowboy Curtis, Snake Plissken, or John Malkovich. It’s too…CSI: The Next Generation, without even being the next generation.

The way I see it, the only two courses of action are: ret-conning the entire current continuity of CSI, and spin it off intro a prequel (Look how well it worked for George Lucas). CSI: The College Years, with this guy as Warrick, Vanessa Hudgens as Sara Sidle, and the gruff, but lovable RA from Saved by the Bell: The College Years as the gruff but lovable RA. Plus, you’d be able to use The Who’s “My Generation” as the opening theme song! Holy Jesus I’m good. Or you just let it die, and let David Caruso and his shades of justice take the reins as the flagship CSI brand, with Sinese and his NY cronies playing second banana. To which I say: YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Long live the new Caruso.

Screw Keanu, Fishburne is The One.
-Briana
I’ve been following Laurence Fishburne’s career since I was born in 1980. Unfortunately, his first big break occurred a year before I came into this world, but my older sister told me all about it in the incredible way that only babies can. Apocalypse Now, released in its first format in 1979, was where the world really got to know Mr. Fishburne. Back in those days he went by Larry. It wasn’t until his heartbreaking role in 1993’s What’s Love Got to Do with It as Ike Turner, that he started using his more academic nomenclature, Laurence. But I digress.

What does the Narrator from 2007’s TMNT have that John Malkovich or Kurt Russell doesn’t? Have you guys seen The Matrix? Larry single-handedly saved the future human race by finding and training “The One”. I don’t know what else you need to know about him. Of course he’s the best candidate for replacing William Petersen in CSI. Think about it. Do Russell or Malkovich have on-screen experience with “Hill Street Blues” or “Miami Vice”? Larry does. And since Warrick just got shot up in his car and obviously won’t be returning, they need a little diversity on the cast – can Russell provide that? And Sara should really move on, since Grissom obviously has a commitment problem – and I just can’t see her shacking up with Malkovich. Larry is the only one I can think of with the cache and talent to pull off CSI’s intense one-liners that Peterson still struggles with. Grissom gets all quippy, which I guess is ok if you’re into that sort of thing.

Imagine, if you will, a dead body on the ground and all three contenders standing above examining the remains. Sara looks up from her crouched position while examining some clue and says “there are diamonds in this horse’s ass”. Grissom would (after a well-timed pause) say, “The horse is a mule.” I don’t know what Russell or Malkovich would say – probably something lame. But Larry could only say one thing. “I’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.” I know, let’s start thinking of character names now, people.