Overheard at the Rooftop Offices
Emily H. and I have discovered that we have something in common. Besides curly hair. And our respective lady bits.
We’re obsessed with pie.
Sweet pie, savory pie, vegetarian pie, breakfast pies, dessert pies. Pies filled with scrambled eggs and pies brimming with plump cherries. Pies with one crust, pies with top crust, flaky crust, dense crust, crumbly crust.
I could go on, using every delicious adjective in the dictionary.
That’s the sound of 22 hearts, straining against arterial plaque and fatty tissue to beat and squeeze and pump sugar-polluted blood through 22 bloated bodies.
The first annual Rooftop Comedy Fatluck is upon us.
Inspired by the ensuing Thanksgiving gorge-fest and by our hefty heroes at ThisIsWhyYou’reFat.com, our “fatluck” should knock the entirety of the Rooftop staff on our bulbous asses by mid-afternoon on Tuesday.
And the organizers are prepared for that, since we all had to sign a waiver:
So far, the menu includes Chris G’s Bacon-Wrapped Chili Cheese Hot Dog Frito Boat, Annie’s Apple Fritter Pork Buns of Not Steel, SFA’s Buffalo chicken macaroni and cheese with blue cheese crumbles, ranch dip in a fried bread bowl side, and Alex’s Tots Au Gratin.
We’d, of course, love your menu suggestions. Our favorite reader recipe will be made by one of the Rooftop staff, for us all to try. And JUDGE! The winning recipe gets a super-sweet Rooftop prize pack, including a T-shirt. If you can fit your fat turkey gut into it, post tryptophan-atisicm.
Well, I am. New girl, technically. But, at least I’m not that new guy.
At lunchtime today, apparently Rick (the aforementioned new guy) accidentally took someone else’s sandwich from the fridge. A forgivable crime.
I fear that I may have pulled the wrong sandwich from the fridge today for lunch. If this is the case, I am SO SORRY and please let me know who you are so I can make it right.
Rick (the new guy)
It happens. Unfortunately, it also happens that the guy whose sandwich was taken was comedian Alex Koll. And Alex Koll’s sandwich ain’t nothin’ to fuck wit.
It was in fact my sandwich that was mistakenly taken from the fridge. I applaud the bravery, wisdom and resolve necessary to rise to the occasion and lay bare your transgression. Upon inspection of the sandwich you left in its place, I can understand the mistake: they are in fact eerily similar sandwiches. They are both turkey, both on wheat, both feature a stone-ground mustard. The bisecting cut and the maroon accents (cranberry?) is where your sandwich diverges from mine, and (along with the absence of jack cheese) are the very details that alerted me to the mix-up.
All this being said, you have taken something I loved and I understand both our need for closure to make this right. So, as per your wishes, I present a thorough list of demands to serve as reparations for the innocent, yet offending act. These demands have been culled from a pool of data painstakingly researched with the most up to date crowdsourcing techniques. They are as follows:
1. Piggy-back ride.
3. Must wear an eye patch with one googly-eye on it.
4. Wear a crown that says “Mimosa King” on it with a picture of a dolphin all day once a month, FOREVER, even at home.
5. Wear the same That Sucks t-shirt for a month.
6. Choreographed dance to ringtone.
7. Create and market a fragrance that smells like the interior of Lee’s Deli.
8. Serve as court “taster” of dubious items in fridge for one week
If, after review and negotiation, none of these items are deemed satisfactory, I will accept your original sandwich as repayment. As the Code Of Hammurabi states “עין תחת עין“ or, “An Eye For an Eye, a lunch for a lunch.”
I tried to fit the phrase “Turkey Burglar” into this somehow, but failed.
Its just another Tuesday at Rooftop Comedy. Each member of the production team sits staring blankly at the computer screen, wondering if time could possibly pass any slower. Then, a tired and somewhat delirious Emily Heller decides to send out an email in Medieval speak. Boredom is averted, bursts of laughter fill the room at increasingly close intervals, and the rest my friends, is email history.
Emily H wrote:
GREETINGS from your benevolent overlord!!! The following ASPEN
clips have been programmed into this week’s episodes and need
to be produced. Can we can divide and conquer before Thursday?
Or as they said in ancient times: Thor’s day?
ALL HAIL ME
P.S. i didn’t get very much sleep last night