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NFLOL: Week 13 of NFL Football

By Comedian Sean Keane

Ochocino Sombrero

Week Thirteen was unlucky for the AFC North, Washington’s place-kicker, and E.J. Henderson’s femur.  The 49ers apparently broke a mirror in 2002 that gave them seven year’s bad luck, one of Tony Romo’s ancestors apparently opened a mummy’s tomb in December, and Peyton Manning threw a black cat in front of Tennessee’s team bus, stopping their win streak.  Lucky for you, NFLOL is here to take you through all the games.

New York Jets 19, Buffalo Bills 13

The Jets and Bills disappointed a Thursday night television audience and the entire nation of Canada with this tepid AFC East matchup in Toronto.  The Jets once again ran at will on the Bills defence, logging 249 yards on the ground, which is just under 228 metres, and Mark Sanchez got injured before he could blow the game by throwing multiple picks.  Luckily, Canada has universal health care, so Sanchez will get the help he needs. The Jets did very little with Kellen Clemens under centre, as he was 1-for-2 on pass attempts, took two sacks, and fumbled.  It’s possible that he made a deal with the British to throw the game, and also surrender West Point.

The Bills may as well have played by Canadian Football League rules and punted on third down, as they converted only one of their 11 third-down attempts. Ryan Fitzpatrick threw the ball like his hands were covered in maple syrup  The only consolation for Buffalo fans who made the journey to watch this disappointing squad was the ready access to legal weed, so they can quickly forget this game ever happened.

Philadelphia 34, Atlanta 7

For the second consecutive week, Chris Redman threw a touchdown pass as the game clock expired.  Unfortunately, this one just cut Philadelphia’s lead to 34-7, and narrowly avoided a shameful shutout at home.  This game had so much garbage time that Michael Vick came in to play quarterback in the fourth quarter, and then got pulled for third-string quarterback Kevin Kolb, who was only allowed to hand off during his stint in compost time.

The Eagles tried to spare Vick booing by listing him as  Ron Mexico on the active roster, but the fears were unfounded.  Cheers outnumbered the boos when Vick came out on the field, and the stands were full of #7 Vick jerseys.  That in itself can’t be taken as a huge endorsement of Vick, since what other Atlanta jersey would you buy? The highly-speculative Matt Ryan?  The future-ironic-thrift-store Tony Gonzalez?  Or even, would you have bought in previous years?  Eventually the Jamal Anderson jersey wears thin, and as we all know, Andre Rison jerseys are highly flammable.

Chicago 17, St. Louis 9

Jay Cutler looked like a much better quarterback on Sunday. Not because he threw particularly better, but because he was facing Kyle Boller, who threw an interception and fumbled. In addition, punter Brad Maynard threw a pass for zero yardage on a failed fake field goal play, a call that made no sense strategically, but may have helped Cutler’s confidence to know there were TWO quarterbacks worse than him on one field.  DE Alex Brown summarized this game best when someone asked what the difference in the Bears was, compared to previous losing weeks, and he said, “The Rams.”

Cincinnati 23, Detroit 13

Chad Ochocino is not actually Mexican, but after a sliding touchdown catch, Chad threw a bitchin’ Meixcan party on the sidelines by donning a poncho and sombrero on the sidelines.  After paying tribute to his adopted surname’s heritage, the next step is to don a long African robe and a headscarf to honor the nation of Chad.

Cincinnati might be the best team in the league when it comes to killing the clock with a lead.  It’s like facing the Yankees in the playoffs, when the game is effectively over when New York has a lead after seven innings.  Which would make Cedric Benson the Mariano Rivera of the Bengals, if Mariano Rivera had a bunch of DUIs.  Which would actually make Cedric Benson the Joba Chamberlain of the Bengals.

Indianapolis 27, Tennessee 17

The Indianapolis Colts are the Dirk Diggler of the NFL: they can score fast, and they can score really slow.  They drove for a field goal in 20 seconds at the end of the first half, and put together a seven-and-a-half minute field goal drive in the fourth quarter.  Clearly, Peyton Manning’s got the touch, and I’m pretty sure Jim Caldwell lets him direct his own scenes.

Tennessee saw their five-game winning streak stopped, but the across-the-board failure of all other AFC contenders means that they’ve still got a shot at the #6 seed.  They’ve got a mutual elimination game against Miami in Week 15, but all four remaining games are eminently winnable, provided Chris Johnson’s legs don’t fall off from overuse.  Sadly, punter Brett Kern’s undefeated season ended, after starting the year 6-0 with Denver and 5-0 with the Titans.  Larry Seiple, the punter from the 1973 Dolphins, opened a bottle of champagne after the game.

Denver 44, Kansas City 13

Kansas City failed in every single aspect of the game on Sunday: offense, defense, special teams, coaching, postgame spread, calisthenics, cheerleading, and one end zone was painted with the word ” Chefs.” The Chiefs also called the worst fake punt of the season on their opening drive, subbing in their backup quarterback at punter and fooling no one, leading to a turnover at their own 28.  That’s a more obvious fake than 90% of the breasts on  Rock of Love.

Jacksonville 23, Houston 18

The Tin Woodman.  The guy from  Temple of Doom  who gets sacrificed to Kali Ma.  The Houston Texans.  All have no heart.  The Texans lost their fourth straight game, thanks in part to an interception thrown by running back Chris Brown.  Brown also fumbled at the goal line in the previous game against Jacksonville, and cost Houston a chance to tie Arizona when he couldn’t score in repeated attempts from the one-yard line.  Brown is the third-string running back for Houston, and by far the worst player who’s still able to torpedo his team’s season.  Arguably, this Chris Brown is having an even worse year than the R&B singer – at least that guy had the funny wedding dance video.

Miami 22, New England 21

Miami didn’t run a single play out of the Wildcat, and Randy Moss didn’t run at all after the first quarter as the Dolphins came back to stun the Patriots, who haven’t won a road game in America this season. Wes Welker continued to re-define the position of Caucasian wide receiver by catching ten passes for 167 yards, a far cry from the days where legends like Ed McCaffrey and Wayne Chrebet plodded over the gridiron.  In hindsight, it seems ridiculous that Chrebet was known as “Green Lantern,” when Wes Welker is so much more impressive AND has a name that already sounds like a superhero’s civilian identity.  Somewhere, Tim Dwight is still watching highlights of Welker’s performance and slow-clapping from his couch.

Oakland 27, Pittsburgh 24

A ho-hum game exploded in the fourth quarter, as the Raiders and Steelers traded touchdowns and combined for 35 points.  With former first-round pick JaMarcus Russell benched, former first-round pick Darren McFadden ineffective, and former first-round pick Darrius Heyward-Bey injured, the Raiders built their comeback on the Bruce-Gradkowski-to-Louis-Murphy connection.  As long as they’re not playing the guys that Al Davis is infatuated with, the Raiders might well be a playoff team. Perhaps that’s the genius behind the Richard Seymour deal – get rid of first-round picks before Al has a chance to waste them.

The Steelers’ playoff hopes took a blow as they lost their fourth straight game, although losing to Oakland at home should automatically render a team ineligible for postseason play.  Pittsburgh clearly missed Troy Polamalu, especially when his replacement committed a personal foul on Oakland’s game-winning drive, then gave up the winning touchdown pass two plays later.  After the game, Hines Ward said that Polamalu’s posterior cruciate ligament had let the team down, and also called out Polamalu’s “pussy-ass patella.”

New Orleans 33, Washington 30

A snowstorm earlier in the week turned the field into a muddy mess, slowing down the Saints offense and leading to some hilarious pratfalls.  Future Saints opponents would be wise to leave the tarp off the field with a game coming up, like the Giants watering down the basepaths to slow Maury Wills in the ’60s, or hiding the meth when you’re about to face the Black Eyed Peas in a Battle of the Bands. It was a ridiculous carnival of a game left New Orelans still undefeated, somehow.  They won thanks to:

– a 29-yard punt that bounced off a Redskin’s back
– a forced fumble on an interception return that became a touchdown the other way
– a missed 23-yard field goal that would have clinched the game
– a questionable fumble in overtime awarded to the Saints only after replay review
– many voodoo incantations and animal sacrifices

Of course, we had to catch up on highlights in the Bay Area, as the start of Seahawks-49ers was deemed much more crucial for local audience.  The battle for second place in the NFC West is way better than a dynamic offensive shootout and the possible upset of an 11-0 team.  Who dat making the NFL local broadcast rules? Who dat?!?

Carolina 16, Tampa Bay 6

Jake Delhomme was out with an injury, a broken finger likely inflicted by one of his angry teammates, possibly while Delhomme was held down in his bed and the rest of the Panthers ran by, hitting him with large socks packed with bars of soap.  The spirit of Delhomme lived on in Tampa QB Josh Freeman, who threw five interceptions, most of them in the red zone.

Delhomme may go to the bench, or the trainer’s room, or even be forced into retirement, but the spirit of Delhomme will always remain, like the ghost of Tom Joad.  Wherever there’s a wide-open receiver waiting to be overthrown, he’ll be there.  Wherever there’s an offensive line beating up a defense, and only a horrible turnover can stop the offense, that’s where he’ll be.  He’ll be there in the noises gamblers make when a two-team teaser is ruined by bad decisions, and the yells of fans as their playoff hopes go down the toilet, and when a wide receiver punches a teammate on the sidelines – he’ll be there, too.

San Diego 30, Cleveland 23

This game was not nearly as close as the final score, as Brady Quinn and the Browns scored ten of their points in the final two minutes to make things look better.  I’d call it a face-saving effort, but that ship sailed months ago for the 2009 Cleveland Browns.  Antonio Gates had a huge game for San Diego, LaDainian Tomlinson passed Jim Brown on the all-time rushing list, and the delightfully-named Legedu Naanee completed a pass.  The Naanee are, of course, the aliens from the upcoming 3-D sci-fi epic “Avatar,” any of whom could pass at will on the horrible Cleveland defense.  One silver lining for Cleveland fans: the stadium was only half-full and the game was blacked out locally, so only about 30,000 people were subjected to this particular defeat.

New York Giants 31, Dallas 24

Dallas was killed by big plays in this one, getting burned for a 79-yard punt return and a short pass that turned into a 74-yard touchdown.  Tony Romo’s December record dropped to 5-9, which is a bad indicator, as Dallas could easily lose every one of their remaining games.  This may set up a rock-paper-scissors situation in the NFC East, where Dallas owns Philly, Philly owns the Giants, and the Giants own Dallas, and there’s a three-way tie. Of course, in an actual game of rock-paper-scissors, Wade Phillips would look pained and throw rock every time, Tom Coughlin would berate the other coaches for not choosing in a timely fashion, and Andy Reid would attempt to call timeout, then throw dynamite.

Seattle 20, San Francisco 17

With 51 seconds left, the 49ers got the ball back on their own 11 and the game tied at 17.  Time to run out the clock and head to overtime, right?  Not if you’re Coach Mike Singletary.  The 49ers threw incomplete on three straight plays, giving the ball back to Seattle at midfield, with two timeouts and 20 seconds left.  Maybe they should change those Singletary billboards to show him demanding, “I want timekeepers!”  Or, he could start wearing a stopwatch around his neck instead of a twelve-pound wooden cross.

The 49ers got burned by an uncalled pass interference on fourth-and-goal in the first half, when Leroy Hill tackled Delanie Walker in the end zone, though Walker nearly caught the ball anyway.  If the Baltimore-Green Bay refs had been working this game, Hill would have been thrown out of the game, if not publicly flogged.

Arizona 30, Minnesota 17

If Arizona can protect Kurt Warner’s brain pan, they might be the most dangerous team in the NFC come playoff time.  He threw on Minnesota’s defense at will, as both Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin racked up huge yardage and points.  Meanwhile, Minnesota has to wonder about Brett Favre playing in December, as he threw two ugly interceptions.  If the Vikings end up with an outdoor playoff game, watch out.  The world may need to watch out if the Vikings play the Cowboys, as the meeting of Tony Romo and Brett Favre’s late-season meltdown capabilities might create a black hole.  It’s more dangerous than the Large Hadron Collider, people!

Green Bay 27, Baltimore 14

The best offensive strategy on Monday night was to throw the ball deep and wait for a pass interference flag.  Baltimore had five infractions; Green Bay only four, and the Packers pulled it out.  Aaron Rodgers was only sacked once by the Baltimore defense, a proposition that would have sounded preposterous a month ago.  At this point, Ray Lewis needs to replace his pre-game dance to better reflect the toughness of the Ravens defense.  Can he do the Carlton?

NFLOL: Week 12 of NFL Football

It was a week to be thankful if you were a fan in Baltimore or New Orleans, and a week to have the stuffing beat out of you if you played for Kansas City. The Giants played like their turkey coma started three hours early, while the Colts clinched their division five weeks early, giving them plenty of time to eat leftovers. Meanwhile, the Patriots got rocked in the Superdome, and Bill Belichick tried to kiss Drew Brees on the mouth.
Belichick kisses Brees

Thanksgiving Games

Green Bay 34, Detroit 12

Dallas 24, Oakland 7

Denver 26, NY Giants 6

Not one of these Thanksgiving games was at all competitive. My parents fought harder about proper turkey preparation than the entire Giants team did in four quarters, though Mom’s comment about how she regretted marrying Dad would have drawn a flag for Unnecessary Roughness.  So let’s look at which Thanksgiving item each of these teams would be:

Green Bay: Sweet potato fries.  Not always a part of Thanksgiving, these fries performed exceptionally well this year.  Despite their appearance, sweet potato fries are surprisingly healthy. True, Green Bay fans would cover them in cheese, deep-fry them, and then dip the result in other cheese, but that’s basically what Charles Woodson did to Matthew Stafford on Thursday.

Detroit: Jell-O salad.  Like the Lions, Jell-O salad is there every Thanksgiving, and it hasn’t been good for years. Sometimes people will try to convince you that there are different ingredients than last year, but you don’t recognize them anyway, particularly the little blobs that look like marshmallows and the cornerbacks.  Jell-O salad is only memorable when it’s really bad, and someone gets food poisoning, but most of the time it’s easy to ignore.

Dallas: Mom’s pumpkin pie, after she quit drinking, stopped opening the oven half an hour into the baking process to add new ingredients, and refused to listen to advice from Terrell Owens on how to make the pie crust.  Also the pumpkin filling is put together in a billion-dollar steel bowl with retractable mixers attached to it.

Oakland: Your uncle’s cranberry sauce, served straight out of a can. And not even broken up with a fork; just sitting straight up on a dirty bowl that has dried Froot Loops encrusted on the side.  Still, you don’t complain, because at least your uncle broke up with his terrible alcoholic ex-girlfriend from last Thanksgiving, who made the same cranberry sauce dish, only it had a bunch of cigarette butts in it.  And by “broke up with her”, we really mean she violated her parole and got sent back to jail, and now he’s dating Bruce Gradkowski.

Denver: Gluten-free vegan stuffing.  It’s much better than you expected it to be, although it’s hard to tell how good the dish really is, because you can’t help comparing it to the cranberry sauce dish.

New York Giants: Your grandma, because the Giants bitch about everything, and can’t be trusted on the road at night.

Atlanta 20, Tampa Bay 17

Chris Redman led the Falcons on a 15-play game-winning touchdown drive that took just over two minutes to complete.  When Andy Reid reviews the tape in advance of next week’s Eagles-Falcons game, his head is going to explode. Stylez G. White of the Bucs had 2.5 sacks, which is a new NFL record for players who have legally changed their names to match Teen Wolf characters.  After the game, the Falcons released kicker (and pastor!) Jason Elam, who is now free to write sequels to his NFL-confronts-Islamic-terrorism thriller, Monday Night Jihad.

Buffalo 31, Miami 14

The Bills defeated the Dolphins behind the arm of Harvard graduate Ryan Fitzpatrick, who replaced former Stanford QB Trent Edwards in Week 10.  A Harvard-Stanford combination might seem unnecessarily elitist for an NFL team, but the upgrade in the team’s fortunes suggests that Buffalo hadn’t been elitist enough so far.  After the game, new coach Perry Fewell admitted that Edwards had been only a “safety signal-caller” in his mind.

Miami blew a scoring opportunity when running back Ricky Williams threw an interception in the end zone.  The Dolphins should know that asking Williams to pass is only a good idea when it’s preceded by the phrase “puff, puff.”

Cincinnati 16, Cleveland 7

On Monday, Browns fans were excited to learn that the failures of an overhyped Notre Dame QB had to led to his team firing their obese, arrogant, and incompetent head coach. Sadly, it was Charlie Weis getting the ax, not Eric Mangini.  Cincinnati may as well have played this game wearing sunglasses and poker-style visors, because they were not revealing anything to potential playoff opponents.  They ran Larry Johnson 22 times for 107 yards, which may have been a tactic to drive Cedric Benson’s salary demands down. “We can get an aging, troubled running back looking for a shot at redemption ANYWHERE, you hear me, Benson?”

Seattle 27, St. Louis 17

Justin Forsett ran for 130 yards in this horrible, horrible game.  Forsett’s performance means that in what promises to be an off-season of questions in Seattle, the Seahawks can rest assured that the backup running back position is taken care of. Forsett has more rushing yards than former Cal teammate Marshawn Lynch this season, though Lynch is better at ghostriding the whip.  Cornerback Josh Wilson ran back an interception for a TD, just as he did against Detroit, meaning that he’s really good at beating up on inferior opponents.  Hope you’re real proud of yourself, Josh. Kyle Boller is still crying! Jerk.

New York Jets 17, Carolina 6

Putting shutdown corner Darrelle Revis up against interception machine Jake Delhomme seems almost unfair, like having MC Hammer invest with Bernard Madoff.  Revis ended up with two INTs, returning one for six points, and Delhomme appears ready to launch his Least Valuable Player award campaign.  I wonder if the still-unemployed Jeff Garcia ever watches Panther games and cries.

Philadelphia 27, Washington 24

Andy Reid screwed around with Michael Vick in important situations (goal-line play, 4th quarter comeback, dog-walking), which didn’t work. He called for an onside kick on the opening kickoff, which didn’t work. Reid tried to score touchdowns in the red zone, which didn’t work until the fourth quarter, as the Eagles settled for field goals four times.  Despite all this, Philadelphia won by three, which would translate to a ten-point defeat against a real football team.  The Eagles may want to start taking intentional delay-of-game penalties whenever they get inside the 20, as they’re more likely to score from their own 45 yard-line than the opposition’s 5.

Indianapolis 35, Houston 27

At this point, there is no such thing as an insurmountable lead against the Colts.  They were down 20-7 at halftime, then rolled off 28 unanswered points to stick it to the Texans.  If Peyton Manning had been the general at Little Bighorn, I have no doubt he’d have calmly picked apart Sitting Bull’s forces and triumphed, most likely aided by pass interference penalties on Crazy Horse. The Colts never seem to panic, probably because  Manning has rehearsed every conceivably scenario 100 times during down time on commercial shoots. Besides, leading a comeback is nothing compared to the pressure of pretending Justin Timberlake is funny for 30 consecutive takes.

San Diego 43, Kansas City 14

The Chargers have won six straight games and seized control of the AFC West.  The streak includes a beatdown of the second-place Broncos, and two wins over Kansas City by a combined score of 80-21.  Does this make San Diego fans any more comfortable with Norv Turner as their coach for the playoffs?  Not one bit.

Chris Chambers took revenge on his old team by going for 70 yards and a touchdown.  Unfortunately, when your team loses by thirty, revenge is a dish best served imaginary.

San Francisco 20, Jacksonville 3

What does getting your pregnant daughter’s boyfriend to marry her have in common with QB Alex Smith? Both are more effective when you use the shotgun.  The 49ers got ahead and early and held on, thanks in part to a long third-quarter drive from Jacksonville that ate up nearly eight minutes, and ended with a David Garrard fumble after a sack.  When the other team is running the clock out for you, down 17 points, it makes closing out a game that much easier.

Tennessee 20, Arizona 17

Watching Vince Young drive his team down the field for a last-second touchdown, converting fourth-down plays all the way, it had to feel like horrible deja vu for Matt Leinart.  Vince Young was unstoppable!  LenDale White was doing anything!  His team came up a yard short of a first down that could have iced the game!  After the game ended, I hope Leinart went out and got plastered with Tennessee’s backup QB, Kerry Collins, because Vince Young has ruined both their lives.

Minnesota 36, Chicago 10

Brett Favre has thrown 24 touchdown passes this year and only three interceptions.  He’s not so much a gunslinger as he is a deadly sniper, zipping passes in with precision and assassinating NFC North defenses.  Still, watching Favre play as a reliable, mistake-free QB is a little unsettling, like watching Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer lumbering around with a back cap on his nose.  Sure, it’s more acceptable to the team, but ultimately, isn’t Favre suppressing his true nature?  If we continue the analogy, Brad Childress’s beard makes him Yukon Cornelius, Jared Allen is obviously Blitzen, massive Pat Williams is the hulking snow monster, and Percy Harvin is Hermey the Elf, because he’s a wide receiver who REALLY wants to be a running back/dentist.

Baltimore 20, Pittsburgh 17 (OT)

Backup Dennis Dixon played well, throwing for one touchdown and running for another, but Baltimore intercepted him in OT to set up the winning field goal.  Hines Ward blamed Ben Roethlisberger and his brain injury for the loss, saying, “This game is almost like a playoff game. It’s almost a must-win. I could see some players or teammates questioning, like, ‘It’s just a concussion. I’ve played with a concussion before.”  Ward stepped up in this must-win game by catching three whole passes, because Hines Ward is a huge dick.

New Orleans 38, New England 17

Who dat say dey gonna beat dem Saints? Not Tom Brady, who threw two interceptions and no touchdowns, and certainly not the Patriots defense, who were so flustered by Drew Brees that they forgot to cover Saints receivers on some plays.  Also not Bill Belichick, who pulled his starters with over five minutes left, in an extremely early concession.  While Pete Carroll would have taken this as a sign of disrespect and immediately called for blitzes and long passes, Coach Sean Payton mercifully ran the ball and let the clock expire.

If the Colts and Saints remain undefeated, we might be looking at a Peyton-Payton matchup, which would be a wet dream for announcer Joe Buck.  This might be a blessing in disguise, as his delight about wordplay might replace his usual outrage about touchdown celebrations, spoiled athletes, and bad words.

NFLOL: Week 11

Alex Smith graduates from Dork University

It was a week of payback in the NFL. San Diego took its revenge on Denver, the worst teams in the AFC West took revenge on the best teams in the AFC North, and Bill Belichick took revenge on Rex Ryan. Revenge was served cold in Green Bay, as Aaron Rodgers avenged his draft snub and Alex Smith was forced to wear a dorky cold-weather hat, while Tampa Bay might as well have faced the Dread Pirate Roberts and his ship Revenge, because they got slaughtered by the Saints.

Miami 24, Carolina 17

On Thursday, Tim Lincecum won the NL Cy Young Award. That night, Ricky Williams scored three touchdowns in the Dolphins’ victory.  Truly, it was a banner day for marijuana!  Carolina was rolling, having cut the lead to four points, when Williams smoked the Panthers secondary for a 46-yard TD run that blunted their comeback effort.  Carolina ran the ball well in between the hashmarks, but their chronic problems with pass protection led to four fat sacks. Unlike Williams, Jake Delhomme can’t handle big hits, and for the first time in three games, he coughed up the ball.

Miami left the joint triumphant, while Carolina’s playoff hopes are now just pipe dreams. Which is to say they have effectively gone to pot. And up in smoke. Bong! Bong! That’s the sound of the clock striking midnight on the Panthers’ chances of earning the wild-card spot.

Indianapolis 17, Baltimore 15

Two weeks ago, Dallas Clark had 14 receptions in Indy’s win over Houston. This week, he only had one catch, but little-known reserve Tom Santi torched the Ravens for six catches and 80 yards. Before the game, Santi had zero catches on the year, and was a member of the Colts grounds crew until Wednesday.  Santi also fumbled at the four-yard line, costing the Colts points, but it’s understandable, as Santi lost an arm last year in a freak lawnmower accident.  In the interest of fairness, the Colts also forced Dwight Freeney and Robert Mathis to play with their legs tied together, and Reggie Wayne spent the entire first half hopping around in a potato sack, and Indianapolis still won by two.

Baltimore cut their terrible new kicker this week, after he cost them at least two games. Meanwhile, their old kicker, Matt Stover, joined the Colts at midseason, and made the go-ahead field goal in the fourth quarter of this game.  Stover had been with the team for 18 years, and was jobless for half a season after they released him, before blossoming as the replacement place-kicker in Indy.  If you’re like me, you’re thinking, “This is exactly like the plot of ‘Troop Beverly Hills.'” Stover is Shelly Long, the Colts are the Wilderness Girls, Jim Harbaugh is Nefler the Muffler Man, and Adam Vinatieri is the mean troop leader from the Red Feathers who injures her leg and opens the door for Matt Stover to win the Super Bowl, AKA, the Wilderness Girl Jamboree.  My NFL column is accessible to both genders!

Dallas 7, Washington 6

Sometimes, a big rivalry game like Cowboys-Redskins is described as a heavyweight fight.  This was more of a flyweight match, with neither team skilled or powerful enough to knock out their hobbled opponent.  The Cowboys should have been able to fatten up on the woeful Redskins, before enjoying an Oakland Raider dessert at home on Thanksgiving.  They almost took an anorexic approach to the Redskin appetizer, going scoreless until the end of the fourth quarter, but eventually and Thanksgivingly enough, it was legs than came though for them.  Washington lost its running back to a torn ACL and its right guard to a broken tibia, while Shaun Suisham kicked like he had a broken leg, shanking two crucial field goals.  After the game, Jim Zorn covered himself his gravy and prayed that he’ll be fired before Christmas. As for breasts, Tony Romo isn’t dating Jessica Simpson anymore.

Detroit 38, Cleveland 37

Eric Mangini, the worst coach in the NFL, blew this game for Cleveland by calling a timeout before the last play of the game. Detroit QB Matt Stafford left with a separated shoulder on an injury timeout after the previous play, but Mangini’s timeout let him come back and throw the game-winning TD.  This proves that Mangini is foolish, Stafford is a tough son of a bitch, and that even a one-armed Stafford is still far better than backup Daunte Culpepper.  Mangini responded by accusing Detroit of faking injuries in order to slow down the juggernaut Cleveland no-huddle offense, the same no-huddle offense that went scoreless last week.

Brady Quinn had a very good game, throwing for 300 yards and four touchdowns. Too bad Mangini benched him for half the season to screw him out of contract incentives.  After the game, Quinn said, “I was praying and hoping that our defense could get a stop for us,” which means that, as suspected, God hates Notre Dame. Which is why He let Cleveland draft Brady in the first place.

Jacksonville 18, Buffalo 15

If the season ended today, the Jacksonville Jaguars would be a playoff team. Yes, a team that lost to Seattle by 41 and allowed the withered husk that used to be Terrell Owens to go for 200 yards against them.  What would the spread be for that first-round game against New England? 17 points? 24?  Eleventy-eight?  If you just counted points scored by Randy Moss, he’s still probably an eight-point favorite.

Owens gave his jersey to Jacksonville’s Mike Sims-Walker after the game, a week after giving his jersey to Chris Johnson after the Titans whipped the Bills.  Does Owens think he’s playing soccer, and needs to give up his jersey after losing? In a way, TO is like David Beckham, moving to a seemingly-professional team that’s not really part of real, competitive football.  The real question is, why do these players want an Owens jersey from Buffalo? It’s like getting an Emmitt Smith jersey from Arizona, or a Van Halen poster that features the singer from Extreme.  Maybe Sims-Walker and Johnson are secretly hipsters, wearing the gear ironically, or they’re big fans of Straight Cash Homey.

Minnesota 35, Seattle 9

Brett Favre was 22-for-25, picking apart Seattle’s weak spots more effectively than the movie “Singles.”  He was safely ensconced in a flannel Vikings shirt and sipping a latte before the third quarter was even over, as the NFL’s answer to the Human Victory Cigar, Tarvaris Jackson, came into the game with 16 minutes left.  The only way Favre’s performance could have been more brutal is if he’d donned a Kevin Durant jersey for his post-game press conference.  Meanwhile, for the first time ever, Matt Hasselbeck is actually jealous of his brother Tim. True, he has to deal with his shrewish wife Elisabeth every day, but at least she’s smarter than Jim Mora, Junior.

New England 31, New York Jets 14

Rex Ryan broke down and cried during a team meeting early in the week. After this game, Ryan only sniffled a little as he told reporters he felt disrespected by Bill Belichick and the Patriots throwing deep with 30 seconds left, leading by 17 points. He should have felt disrespected by the 17-point beatdown itself. Also the disparaging remarks about his weight from Vince Wilfork, the fake crying from Kevin Faulk after a first-down catch, and the way Tom Brady said, “I have absolutely no respect for Rex Ryan, and you can print that, since I doubt that dumbass even knows how to read.”

The Jets did a very nice job of shutting down Randy Moss, holding him to just five catches and 34 yards.  They didn’t do so well versus Wes Welker, who had 15 catches for 192 yards.  What does this mean?  Clearly, the New York Jets defense is racist, perfectly content to allow yardage to white receivers, but cracking down on minorities.  The Caucasian Julian Edelman also, had three catches, while there was not a single Asian-American, Pacific Islander, or Native American player that recorded yardage for disgrace. Both “Jets” and “Klan” have four letters. Coincidence? I think not.

New Orleans 38, Tampa Bay 7

After firing their offensive coordinator days before the start of the season, Tampa Bay has now demoted their defensive coordinator as well.  Head coach Raheem Morris will take over as the DC, because he hasn’t seemed overmatched at all so far.  Why not give him more to do?  The best thing Tampa did was fumble three minutes into the second half, thus icing the game, and allowing networks to switch to a better, more competitive contest much earlier than they dreamed possible.

No exaggeration – New Orleans began running out the clock with 22 minutes left in the game. They threw only three more passes – but scored two additional touchdowns anyway. In a rare example of running down the score, the Saints threw only one pass in the fourth quarter, yet still held the ball for 11:38.  Sean Payton was the anti-Belichick: running on every play, with his third- and fourth-string running backs, politely declining to throw long. Also he wore a zip-up jacket, with sleeves intact, not a hoodie, and didn’t sleep with anyone else’s wife.

New York Giants 34, Atlanta 31

The top running backs for each team were hurt.  The wind wasn’t swirling at the Meadowlands.  Neither team could defend the pass.  You couldn’t have more perfect conditions for a shootout if Doc Holliday had been a BART cop. It’s somewhat unfair that Atlanta didn’t get a chance at the ball in overtime, after coming back from 14 down, but they could have gone for two after their last touchdown and made the coin toss irrelevant.  New York won for the first time in six weeks, and as a reward, they get to fly cross-country and play at high altitude on three day’s rest. Denver should be forced to start Chris Simms on Thanksgiving for at least one quarter to make up for the travel stress.

Kansas City 27, Pittsburgh 24

This may be the first season that a defending Super Bowl champion misses the playoffs just because they can’t cover kickoffs.  The Steelers allowed their fourth kick return TD in five games when Jamaal Charles ran back the opening kickoff untouched.  They’re also not very good at covering interception returns, allowing a defensive end to take one back 94 yards. Where did your tripping skills go, Big Ben?

Big Ben got his fourth concussion, although head injuries don’t seem to affect him. Because he’s kind of dumb. Charlie Batch also injured his wrist, meaning that the Steelers might have started the Dennis Dixon Era if their defense had held in OT. Regardless, they deserved to lose, not because of the turnovers or kick coverage, but because Mike Tomlin punted from Kansas City’s 38 in overtime. You don’t deserve to go back to the playoffs with cowardice like that. And the way Pittsburgh plays special teams, that easily could have led to a return TD.

Green Bay 30, San Francisco 24

The 49ers passed on Aaron Rodgers in favor of Alex Smith back in 2005, and they’ve regretted that decision ever since. Alex Smith’s hands are too small, he keeps hurting his shoulder, he throws too many INTs, and he can’t even grow a beard half as well as Rodgers.  It’s almost unfair that Alex Smith, a historic draft bust, has to play against Rodgers.  They didn’t make Sam Bowie play one-on-one contests against Michael Jordan!  Darko never had to enter a dunk contest versus LeBron!  Nick Roberts, the guy Gina Matthews dumped me for in seventh grade, doesn’t have to write a comedic, awkwardly-personal NFL column to run alongside mine!

Arizona 21, St. Louis 13

Kurt Warner left the game after the first half, as a precaution against his head injury.  At the time, Arizona led 21-3, but barely hung on to win. That’s how bad Matt Leinart is at playing quarterback: He takes a 7-3 team and makes them ten points worse than a 1-9 squad, just due to his anti-leadership. In fairness to Leinart, he’d do better if the NFL had voted this season to award points for skank-banging.

Warner’s injury is a sign that there’s much more concussion awareness this year, mainly due to the NFL being shamed by hearings on Capitol Hill.  New league policy requires that players see independent neurologists after concussions, a marked departure from the old policy of yelling, “Get back in the game, you fucking pussy!” until the disoriented player returned to the field.

San Diego 32, Denver 3

Before the game, Josh McDaniels told the Chargers linebackers, “We own you.”  Then the Broncos went out and lost 32-3. They now own a 6-4 record and sole possession of second place in the AFC West. McDaniels brought in the injured Kyle Orton early and  never took him out, because watching Chris Simms was making him sick.  If Orton aggravates the injury, we might get to see Tom Brandstater on Thanksgiving, a 25-year-old rookie QB from Turlock, CA, which would make Brandstater the most successful person ever to come out of Turlock, CA.  Actually, he may have already achieved that distinction simply by graduating from college before age 25.

Oakland 20, Cincinnati 17

A lot of happy fans woke up in Alameda County drunk tanks Monday morning, after the Raiders pulled off a huge upset.  This is what happens when you finally bench your inaccurate, out-of-shape, purple-drank-swilling quarterback – you beat a 7-2 team. On the flip side, Cincinnati added their own dysfunctional player and paid the price:

Cincinnati’s record since signing Larry Johnson: 0-1
Kansas City’s record since releasing Larry Johnson: 2-0.
KC’s record with Johnson still on the roster: 1-7.

Cincinnati has now lost games where a tipped pass turned into an 87-yard touchdown play, and when their own kick returner fumbled with 30 seconds left. Marvin Lewis plans to spend the next week of practice defending against Hail Mary passes, Statue of Liberty plays, and Home Run Throwback kickoff returns.  On Friday, the entire practice will be devoted to stopping multi-lateral plays while a full marching band roams the field.

Philadelphia 24, Chicago 20

Andy Reid continued to intentionally waste timeouts, this time burning one on an inexplicable play where the Eagles nearly had twelve men on the field on offense. You see that penalty on defense; not so much on the other side of the ball. Freed of the ballast of cumbersome timeouts, the Eagles rallied to defeat the Bears on the road.

The comedy highlight of Sunday night, and possibly the entire year, came when Jay Cutler attempted a pass to Devin Hester late in the fourth quarter, and the Eagles DB effectively pantsed him as the ball fell incomplete.  Cutler showed his ass in a different way, throwing a bad interception and averaging 3.6 yards per attempt.  He’s yet to have a QB rating above 80 in a night game this year, and he’s thrown 12 interceptions in the four games.  What this means is that Jay Cutler obviously needs a nap. Look how cranky he is! Yelling at teammates, hanging his head, stomping his feet on the sidelines – it’s a mess.  Lovie Smith needs to be firm with Cutler on this one, although his earlier disciplinary measures of making Cutler sit in the locker room by himself didn’t work – but that’s because Lovie Smith doesn’t know how to use his timeouts either.

Comedian Sean Keane rules the Internet from