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Inception: Best Movie of the Summer or Best Brainscrewer?

This summer was kind of lame when you think about the movies that were released. Iron Man 2 was okay, kind of disappointing. Twilight:Eclipse made me want to go back in time and abort myself (but if I did go back in time to do that, just deciding on the idea would render me non-existent, right? Time travel conundrum!)

What else came out? I don’t really remember. And that makes me sad. Not counting August movies (because August is sort of when the summer movie season is over) May, June, and July didn’t deliver the awesome punch in the balls that it should have (by the way, August had three of the best/most fun films to see: The Other Guys, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World, and The Expendables.)

But there was a blip of awesomeness, and that was Inception.

Or as I like to call it: Christopher Nolan Fucks My Head. And I Loved It!

Inception is a miracle, and it is not hyperbole to say that. It was a big-budget action film with terrific set pieces. Zero gravity fights, trains going through cities, skiing and shooting, and Marion Cotillard’s sweet, supple, um, acting. It was summer movies 101: blow shit up, keep the action quick, make money.

But what makes it a miracle is the fact that it made people think. It was smart, brainy, and incredibly confusing. It proved that movie audiences aren’t entirely dumb people that set America back more and more each ticket they buy. (Sadly, Eclipse made more money than it. Oh well, you cannot underestimate the power of super horny young girls. Oh man, I feel gross just thinking that.)

But besides all of that, it was just nice to see a smart, well made film get the recognition it deserves. Nolan is a master director, keeping tabs on everything, from design, to camera movements, to the intricate acting to the tight pacing. Leonardo DiCaprio might be the best actor of our generation. He was smart to get away from the romantic comedies and set his sights on bigger and better pictures.

And of course, Joseph Gordon Levitt is becoming one of the best actors around. First 500 Days of Summer and now this. Who knew that little shit from Third Rock from the Sun would turn into my favorite actor?

But there is a part of me that hates Inception. And that part of me hates it only because it is confused. What part of the movie was a dream? Was it from the first act of inception on the plane? Was it the entire movie? The internet is loaded with theories and ideas (and porn!) to support either side.

For example, does Cobb’s (DiCaprio) totem work for him since it was his wife’s before? She used the top to prove whether or not she was in a dream. Cobb descirbes the totem as something that only the maker of it should know, something that is unique for them. If someone else knows what it does, it can be manipulated and it would not work.

So, when Cobb takes it as his own, does it still retain the correct properties that he described? Wouldn’t it not work for him, therefore, proving the entire movie is a dream?

Or am I full of shit?

That’s what I love most about the film: every explaination can work both ways.

Another example: Cobb doesn’t have his wedding ring on in the scenes where he is suppose to be awake (or we perceive him as awake.) But when they dream, it is on. In the final shot of the film, he isn’t wearing it.

Yet, the final shot of the film is too perfect to be reality. The kids look the same, act the same, and are wearing the same clothes as when Cobb talks about the last time he saw his kids. It has to be a dream. But he’s not wearing his ring.

So it has to be real.

Or, it could be that, since he let his wife go, he no longer needs to have the ring on. So it is a dream.

WHAT THE FUCK IS IT I DON’T KNOW! LAY OFF ME!

I’m sorry. My brain hurt for a second.

Inception will be talked about for decades to come. It should be studied in film classes so up-and-coming filmmakers can see how you can make a smart action film and not have to pander to mindless explosion nuts or virginal girls. Thank you, Mr. Nolan, for giving me hope in American film making.

And also Cotillard’s wonderful, inviting, pants-hardening acting. I’m kidding. I mean breasts.

LOST “THE END” RECAP (S06E17/18)

When I first found out that the title of the final episode of LOST was “The End” I thought it was funny, but kind of stupid. After watching the episode, I find it brilliant.

Because with how it ends, there will never be a “the end” for LOST.
Read more »

LOST “WHAT THEY DIED FOR” RECAP (S06E16)


I remember when I was seven. I was playing catch with my father. Back and forth, we were lightly tossing the ball when suddenly, my father said “Think fast!” and hurled the ball at me. I had no time to react. The ball smacked me in the face, rendering me unconscious.

Later, I woke up in a hospital. The doctor said I was lucky to be alive. My father ran to my side, his face red and eyes watering. He said, “Son, I am so, so sorry. I will make this up to you someday. I will make sure there is a fucking awesome television show on in the early part of the next century.”

That story is probably false, I don’t remember. But my father’s promise is coming to an end this Sunday. Certain words come to mind when thinking about the end. Bittersweet. Emotional. Sweet-Kate-Ass. Tonight’s episode put all their pieces in their place, preparing us for this end.

In the flash-sideways, Desmond charms my pants off. Seriously. I don’t care if you’re straight. This dude makes you curious. Right? I’m not the only one, right? Good. I’m glad you all agree. Moving on, Desmond goes back to Locke’s school to hit him, again (which is hilarious). But Ben stops him, sort of. Desmond kicks his ass and says he’s trying to help Locke “let go.” Hearing this, Locke goes to Jack and tells him he’s ready to walk again. And then Ben goes to dinner with Alex and he and Russo have a moment. It’s all so nice and sweet. You remember Russo, right? She’s a female, but not this one.

Desmond then turns himself in to Detective Sawyer in order to get close to Sayid and Kate. As they get transfered to county jail, he asks them both to do something for them once they get free. They think he is joking, so they agree. But soon enough, the escort stops and who else but Ana Lucia demanding her money. And who has the money: Hurley. Desmond makes Sayid go with Hurley and Kate go with him. He gives her a tight black dress, my erection tears through my pants and hits my roommate in the face (awkward moment, ugh, he’s like so mad) and tells her they are going to a concert.

Back on the island, Flocke comes to talk to Ben. He throws Richard into the woods and goes to Ben, asking for his help. Ben agrees. He takes Flocke to Widmore and Zoe, where he slits Zoe’s throat and tells Widmore he’ll kill his daughter if he doesn’t talk. So, Widmore talks. And Ben shoots him, saying “he doesn’t get to save his daughter.” But Widmore’s already talked. Desmond is the fail-safe, the very thing that can destroy the island. And Flocke wants him to do just that.

Now, is Ben really bad again or is he playing Flocke? I’m hoping Ben is just trying to get inside information and truly hasn’t turned bad, because that would make me sad. And sad Mark stays sad for a long time. Nevermind, I’m better now!

Back on the island, young ghost Jacob gets his ashes from Jacob and runs. When Hurley catches up, old Jacob is there. He says he is ready to end everything. Jack, Kate, Sawyer, and Hurley come to talk to Jacob. He tells them that he chose them because they needed the island. Their lives were terrible and he wanted to help them. But, only one can do it. Even Kate can. He tells her that her name was crossed out only because she was a mother. But Jack decides he’ll be the one to protect the island.

So Jack has redeemed himself. After hating him for most of season four and five, Jack realized that he is meant to save the island and his friends. So everyone is in their place. Desmond is doing something with Kate as the Drive Shaft concert I assume. Sayid and Hurley are off to make an awesome buddy-comedy (I wish), and Jack is about to operate on Locke. I’m hoping this flash-sideways concludes awesomely. I’ve hated it up until episode 12, so I’m really hoping it ends up being incredibly important because that would make this entire season amazing.

But I wonder, what will happen with the two timelimes? Our Losties did something that’s never happened on the island by creating these timelines. Will this prevent Jack from spending eternity on the island with Flocke, waiting to crash another plane? Will everyone end happily ever after? We’ll find out Sunday.

I don’t know how to end the post. Ah, this works.

LOST “ACROSS THE SEA” RECAP (S06E15)


This week we found out where Jacob and the “Man in Black” came from. Hooray! I could not wait. I’ve waited so long for these answers. I was excited, aching with anticipation (and constipation, stupid tacos). Then, the episode happened and I was like… eh.

Maybe I’m asking too much as a LOST fan. What was I expecting? What did I want to happen? LOST falls into a trap of providing such fantastic storytelling and amazing twists and turns that when it sticks to straight storytelling, it sometimes falls flat. And it shouldn’t. Honestly, it was a good episode. In answered many major questions. But it just didn’t hit that pinnacle of amazingness that LOST has before.

Plus, I have to ask myself where, at humans, we draw the line between “far-fetched-but-believable” and “bullshit.” For example: I can buy that a guy turns into a giant cloud of smoke, flies around an electromagnetic island and this dude slept with this woman. But for some reason, I cannot buy a cave of light. I have no idea why.

Juno’s stepmom took young Jacob and MIB to see the cave of light, saying they had to protect it. Apparently every person has a little bit of this light in them, but as humans, we ignore this. We are violent people who do nothing but kill and become a waste of life. So one of them must protect it. But they should never go in it because they’ll experience something worse than death. And what’s that? Becoming a smoke monster. Whatever.

I did enjoy how we say that Jacob was, in fact, an all around good guy throughout life. He questions why his mother says people are bad (EVEN THOUGH SHE KILLED THEIR REAL MOM).

Real quick. When Jacob and MIB’s mom comes back from the dead to talk to MIB, she asks him to come with her. He asks why and she says “to show you where you came from.” I thought that was a really hot pick-up line, until I remembered it was between a mom and son.

Moving on, Jacob has a natural curiosity about people. He thinks they can be good. Meanwhile MIB doesn’t care. He wants to leave, even though he is told not to go. But MIB does leave Jacob and his mother and goes to work with other settlers on the island.

These settlers discover the magnetism and they discover the cave of light. They decide to put a wheel there so they can leave. How does Jacob know this will work? I have no clue. Needless to say, Juno’s stepmom tries to kill him. She then destroys his camp and everyone else. Then MIB kills her. Jacob gets mad, takes him to the cave, and shoves him down it. His body ends up on the other side, so Jacob takes his body and his mother’s to the cave. These are the cave people we met during the first season. Pretty cool reveal I must say.

The cynical part of me thinks that the show’s creators knew they had to answer these broad questions so they just sorta made shit up and BOOM light cave! But there’s also a part of me that likes the light cave as a metaphor. It’s a part of our soul, the good part. We have to protect the good parts of our soul so it is not destroyed by outside forces. So on one hand, I will buy this.

See, I don’t buy that either. And I have no idea why. I’m doubting myself. WHO AM I? It’s stupid. I actually feel dumb arguing why it doesn’t make sense because in reality, LOST has had a lot of things not make sense. I guess it all comes down to… faith. Faith that the show’s creators aren’t asshats making things up. Faith that things will wrap up and make sense. And faith that in the end, I will be happy. I guess you gotta have faith. Or maybe this type of faith. Let’s go with this faith.

LOST “THE CANDIDATE” RECAP (S06E14)


There was a wise man that once said, “Men who cry probably are the coolest men ever. And their penises are huge. And they have a great 401K.” Well I’m here to announce that I fit that description perfectly after this episode.

My God, it was so, so sad. Let’s get the flash-sideways out of the way first.

Jack fixed Locke, but he feels, nay BELIEVES, he can fix his paralysis. But Locke says no. Jack, being Jack, tries to find out why. Come to find out, Locke had a private pilot’s license and took his dad on a flight, but they crashed. His dad is now a vegetable and Locke feels guilty, so he doesn’t want to get fixed.

There was one interesting part of the flash-sideways. When Locke was asleep, Jack tried to wake him. Locke started mubling and said, “I wish you would have believed me…” calling back to when he was trying to get Jack to go back to the island. More bleeding between the two worlds! But what does it all mean? We’ll have to wait to find out. Bastards! Waiting is stupid. My mom said, “wait till marriage to have sex” and I said, “waiting is stupid.” So I slept with some women the next day. Awesome. Waiting was stupid. Sure, I got herpes, but don’t we all? Point proven.

But the meat of this episode was on the island. Jack decides to help Flocke save his friends, who have been caged by Widmore. So Flocke transforms into smokey and goes to town on Widmore’s men while Sayid and Jack open the cage. On a side note, Smokey sometimes sounds like a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

So with the entire gang in tow, they head to the Ajira plane to take off. However, Widmore has rigged it to explode. Flocke takes the bomb, but suddenly changes his mind on flying away. He wants to take the submarine.

The crew takes over the submarine, but when Jack is not looking, Flocke switches their bags. Now, Jack is carrying the bomb. And not da bomb but the bomb. And you can see what’s going to happen…

As they run to the submarine, Kate gets shot in the shoulder. And now I’m torn. Kate has gotten pretty annoying, so there is a part of me that is excited. But then I remember, Kate is hot, so I get upset. Don’t die, stay alive and don’t talk. And take your top off. You’re a fantastic character.

They get on and Sawyer closes the sub. Poor Claire gets left behind again.

On the sub, Jack starts to help Kate but discovers the bag switch. Sawyer knows how to disarm the bomb, but Jack says no. He believes they are safe. And it makes sense. Flocke cannot kill candidates. The bomb was planted by him. If they just let it go, they will be fine. However, Sawyer doesn’t trust Jack and we all know why. So Sawyer pulls the cords and stops the bomb… for a second. Then it starts ticking fast. DAMN! The bomb is now not Flocke’s, it is Sawyer’s. It is free to explode.

Sayid quickly tells Jack where Desmond is and tells Jack he must save everyone. Sayid runs with the bomb, jumps in a room, and the bomb goes off.

Bye, Sayid. You have been redeemed.

Panic ensues. Lapidus goes to find the group but gets smacked by a metal door and knocked unconscious.

Bye, Lapidus. Your death was lame.

Hurley takes Kate and they swim out. The rest are leaving when we find out that Sun is trapped behind a cabinet. Sawyer, Jack, and Jin move it, only discover she’s stuck behind more metal. DAMN AGAIN! Sawyer gets smacked on the head and gets knocked out. Jack must leave to save him. This leaves Jin to try to save Sun. Jin pulls and pulls, but he cannot get the metal to move. Sun begs for him to leave her, but he vows to never leave her again. So the embrace one another and drown.

Bye, Sun and Jin. These tears just mean I am a man.

And like that, three characters that have been with us since season one are gone (and Lapidus, but whatever. Only thing cool about him was his raspy voice and chest hair.) This episode was heavy. And then we see, on the beach, the survivors losing their cool and crying. Hurley bawling really got me too.

Jack, going out to the ocean and losing it, was powerful too. I wish this was how the episode ended, but it did not. We get to see Flocke realizing that people survived. He vows to finish what he started. But how? We don’t get to find out until May 23rd. That’s right: MAY 23rd. Next week’s episode is all about Jacob and the Man in Black. That should be incredibly interesting.

I’m leaving now. I have to think. I have to grieve. If there is anything we’ve learned, it’s that the F in Flocke doesn’t only stand for “fake,” but “fucker.” Ah, word play always makes me feel better!

LOST “THE LAST CANDIDATE” RECAP (S06E13)


It’s hard to think that there are only four more hours left of this show. What else am I going to do on Tuesday nights? Masturbate? Watch Glee? Well, maybe both, I don’t know. But whatever I do, it will involve tears (which actually make masturbating a little better).

This episode of LOST was quite fantastic and the entire time, you felt like things were starting to wrap up. We’ve been waiting for quite a while for this moment. We were told there was a war coming and we are right at the footsteps of that war.

I’ll try to recap to the best of my ability, but it’ll probably feel all over the place because this episode was literally all over the damn place.

On island, we have Jack and Flocke meeting for the first time. Flocke wants to leave and made a pretty compelling case, which got him to thinking. Meanwhile, Sawyer is planning on making an escape. Then, Widmore’s people come and threaten Flocke, demanding the return of Desmond (BROTHA!) Flocke sends crazy Sayid to do this.

At the well, Desmond talks to Sayid and asks him what he’ll say to the woman he loves when she comes back. Will she tell her that he betrayed his friends and killed people for her? We are lead to believe that Sayid killed Desmond, but we don’t see it on screen. This leads to my conclusion that the BROTHA DIDN’T KILL THE BROTHA!

Also, I think producers know that fans love it when Desmond says “brotha” so now he does it all the time. This would bother me if his voice did not tickle my balls. I mean women’s vaginas. And my balls.

So Sawyer tells Jack to bring Sun, Hurley, and Lapidus with him when they escape. He does, but Jack has second thoughts. Jack and Sawyer argue, with Jack saying that if Flocke wants them to leave, then they shouldn’t and Sawyer saying he’s tired of staying on the island. The argument ends with Jack jumping off the boat (right at the front, which makes me think he’s lucky the boat didn’t hit him. Not smart, Jack. Not smart).

Sawyer and gang dock on Hydra Island. Widmore’s men come out, as does Jin. Jin sees Sun. Sun sees Jin. They run for each other. The whole time I’m thinking “OH GOD, PLEASE SAY THE PILONS ARE OFF SO THEIR BRAINS DON’T EXPLODE!” Well luckily, they are. Then Widmore’s men turn on them and force them to surrender. Shit! Then Widmore fires a rocket at the beach where Jack just swam up to and met Flocke. Double shit! Jack flies through the air and Flocke saves him. Triple shit! Maybe. Was Jack killed and Flocke saved him, ergo, taking over his soul? I hope not.

Meanwhile, in the sideways-flash, Sun and Locke are brought into the hospital and Sun freaks out, recognizing him. But nothing comes of it. Nice cocktease, LOST.

Desmond so happens to run into Claire and he asks her to get a lawyer before putting her baby up for adoption. He has to really sell the idea, but she says yes. And who is the lawyer? Iliana! And she’s not exploded into thousands of pieces (and she cleans up well, damn!) Why was Desmond so adamant about this? Well, because Jack was on his way. See, Iliana was his father’s lawyer and Desmond wanted the half bro and sis to meet. But Jack cannot stay long, because he needs to operate on Locke.

Oh yeah, Sawyer arrests Sayid.

As I said, there was a lot that went on tonight. It’s all getting really, really exciting. What is Widmore’s plan? Why did he betray Sawyer? And was Jack really killed or am I looking into that too much? He never seemed dead, but it was odd how Flocke was smiling and saying “You’re with me now.” Unfortunately, there is a re-run next week, a clip show about the Oceanic flight.

And this leads me to my next point: clip shows are lazy writing. Seriously, the network is paying for pointless episodes. I use to think Scrubs was one of the best comedies because they never did a clip show. But guess what? They went and did a clip show and ruined that thought (they also kept going after season four, but that’s a different story). The Office even did a clip show this season. It’s just lazy. I get that people need breaks, but just have a damn re-run. Or better yet, give young writers a chance to write an episode. It can be one that is not that important, just fun. For example, instead of a LOST clip show, I’d write an episode where I slept with every woman on the show. For Scrubs, I would have written a clip show where I slept with Elliot and Carla the entire episode, while Turk and JD danced around in the background. And for the Office, I would have written an episode where I slept with Pam and Jim. There is a theme, I know, but you have to admit: it’s better than a clip show.

LOST “EVERYBODY LOVES HUGO” RECAP (S06E12)


Well, LOST, you delivered another pretty gosh darn fantastic episode. And you’re starting to make the flash-sideways make sense! Why am I talking to a show like a real person? Shut up, that’s my answer.

On the island, Ilana and Richard were gung-ho to destroy the plane with dynamite. Ilana was giving a huge, moving speech about how she was trained to do this and how she had to, then she blew up. To be honest, it was kind of comical. And then everyone’s reactions were less “OH MY GOD!” and more “Well, shit.” Sort of a sad way to see someone go. Plus, they mentioned taking a boat to the outriggers, so I was hoping we’d see then on their little boat, then suddenly another pops up in front of them and a gun fight ensues, just like last season, except it was from Sawyer’s and Juliet’s point-of-view. But, no. I was let down by that. If only I could have written that part in. And the part about Juliet and Kate have a three-way with a new, chubby man on the island named “Mark.”

So Hurley takes the lead and tells them they must go talk to Flocke themselves. No one agrees, except Jack. Richard, Ben, and Miles. They go to blow up the plane, everyone else goes to talk to Flocke.

Meanwhile, Flocke is brought Desmond. Desmond is incredibly calm and cool, saying “brotha” a lot, looking hot, and being all around weird. He tells Flocke that he knows he is John Locke, so Flocke takes him to a well and throws him down it. Why does being called John Locke frighten him so much? Is there a chance that a little of John Locke is still inside Flocke? Did that sentence insinuate gay sex between two people but in the same body? Are we all now curious how that would happen? Yes?

Now, in the flash-sideways, we get a super rich and awesome Hurley. He is donating money left and right. He just donated money to a museum and was given the Man of the Year award from Pierre Chang (Dharma initiative science leader and Miles’ dad). Yet, he is lonely. He goes on a blind date but she stands him up (BITCH!) but Libby approaches him. She remembers him, but he does not. She is taken back to the hospital, where she is voluntarily staying because she thinks she is insane.

Hurley is upset by this because he likes her, but he thinks she is crazy. But he is convinced to go talk to her. By whom? DESMOND! Ah snap.

So Hurley goes to Libby, they have a date, they kiss, then Hurley remembers her from the island. The two realities are slowly bleeding through.

Then, Desmond goes to John Locke’s school and runs him over. Just hits him and leaves. I mean, damn. He just smacks him and Locke goes flying over the car hard.

But this is setting up my hospital theory more. Now Locke is going to the hospital. And Hurley owns hospitals. They will all be there soon.

But one question that is nagging me is, how does Desmond know which people form Oceanic 815 to go to? He has a whole list of people on the plane. Is he going to go to all of them? Or are his island and off-island reality working together? Hmm. Hmm. HMMMMMMMMM.

LOST “HAPPILY EVER AFTER” RECAP (S06E11)

Desmond Hume is the key! The key to what, my heart? Well, maybe. But he’s also the key to the whole LOST time travel conundrum.

Desmond is brought to the island by Widmore for some reason, we’re still not sure. But, Widmore needs to make sure he can go through a high dose of electromagnetism again and not die, so he throws Desmond in a box, flips the switch, and let’s the magnets work. This causes Desmond to “flash” to the flash-sideways.

Desmond is a poor military man who has nothing but love in Penny. But in the flash-sideways, he is the opposite: he is rich and powerful, but has no love. And, he is the right-hand man to Widmore.

Widmore’s son, Daniel Faraday, is suppose to play piano with Drive Shaft, Charlie Pace’s band, that day, but dumb ol’ Charlie got arrested for possession of cocaine. So Widmore sends Desmond to pick up Charlie and take him to the performance. But wait, how is Charlie free? Isn’t that an error that the writers got Charlie off free from the cops when in real life you’d be locked up for a long time, potentially years? Well, you’re forgetting that Charlie is a celebrity and in LA, so everything makes sense.

Charlies tells Desmond about when he almost died, he saw true love. Desmond laughs it off, so Charlie drives Desmond’s car into the water, where Desmond “flashes” and sees Charlie as he was at the end of the episode “Through the Looking Glass” with the saying “Not Penny’s Boat” on his hand.

Both men end up in the hospital where, during a CAT scan, Desmond sees Penny and his child. Desmond leaves the hospital even more confused. And now, he has to tell Mrs. Widmore, Eloise, that Drive-Shaft will not be there. And Eloise is apparently a super-bitch that everyone is afraid of. But when he arrives, Eloise seems slightly frightened, then just shakes off the news like it was nothing. Desmond, happy, walks off and hears the name “Penny” being read on a guest list. Eloise tells Desmond he has to leave and forget all this because he is not ready.

Not ready for what? We don’t freaking know! So Desmond leaves, climbs in his car, then is approached by Faraday, who is still the awesome, weird and eccentric bastard he always was. But now, he is an expert piano player, not a mathematician. One day, he say a beautiful woman who he describes and we realize it is Charlotte (who was banged by flash-sideways Sawyer a few episodes ago [I wouldn’t want to follow up Sawyer in the sex department {Sawyer is pretty attractive, I won’t like (but so is Desmond [but Faraday is sort of a hot, smart type {but he doesn't have sexy Sawyer abs (good point)}])}]). The next morning, Faraday drew up some quantum mechanics, something he has never studied, and he realizes that maybe the life they are living is not suppose to be the life at all. He then tells Desmond where Penny is.

Desmond and Penny meet, but Desmond faints. FLASH! Back on the island. Desmond awakes and is ready to go with the plan. What plan? I DON’T FU*KING KNOW! He leaves with some of Widmore’s men, only to be stopped by Sayid, who shoots one, breaks one’s neck, and forces the woman to run away. Is Desmond afraid? Nope, he’s ready to go.

Back with Penny, they plan to have coffee. Then, Desmond asks his driver, George Minkowski, the ol’ communications director from the Freighter in season four, to get him the manifest of Oceanic 815. He wants to show them what is going on.

A few questions: Widmore asks Desmond to make a sacrifice for him at the beginning of the episode. What sacrifice? Is Widmore asking Desmond to die in order to protect everyone? I hope not, because I don’t want to cry, um, I mean scream, drink beer and beat up dudes (I mean cry a lot). And why was Desmond so calm when Sayid got all up in his grill and killed people? And what the hell is Desmond there to do? SO MANY QUESTIONS!

But it is LOST, what the hell did I expect? But, this episode furthered the overall plot of season six and now we are starting to see the two timelines come together. I, for one, am excited for this. I have been slightly upset about the flash-sideways because it hasn’t meant anything so far. Really, it’s just to show what would of happened had the plane landed and if certain things in the characters’ past were changed. But why those changes? Why the flash-sideways? I truly hope we get some resolution with this. My hope is that, when all is said and done, what I thought was sometimes pointless and padding will be really important and completely awesome in retrospect.

I also hope I can invent a fried chicken sandwich that’ll melt off the pounds. How great would that be?

LOST “THE PACKAGE” RECAP (S06E10)

This episode is titled “The Package.” Hehehe, penis and balls. A package? Get it?

I’m immature.

Well the package wasn’t a penis and balls, BUT, it did have those items.

But before that, let’s get that flash sideways out of the way.

In the new time line Jin and Sun are not married, however, they are in love and bumpin’ uglies. Jin is sent to America to deliver a watch and $25,000. However, the airport keeps it due to un-filled out customs paperwork. And who do these things go to? Keamy. That’s right, motherfunkin’ Keamy.

But they don’t have the money now, and Keamy is unhappy. So he sends Sun to the bank to get it out of her personal account and takes Jin to his restaurant. But Sun’s account is closed. Her dad did it because he found out they were sexin’ it up. And the money? It was for Keamy to kill Jin. SNAP!

But as you know, Keamy and his assistant are killed by Sayid, who helps Jin get free. And as Sun comes back with another of Keamy’s assistants (who happens to be Mikhail, the bastard who was an Other and drowned Charlie [CHHHHARRRRRLLLLIIIIEEEEE!]), Jin gets in a gun fight and Sun is shot in the stomach. And she’s pregnant.

Anatomy lesson: babies are in a woman’s stomach (or uterus, whatever Mr. Doctor). To the hospital!

Back on the island, Flocke comes to Sun and asks her to come with him to Jin. She runs, hits her head, and forgets how to speak English. When Miles thinks that’s crazy, Frank points out that he speaks to dead people.

I honestly think Frank represents the writers’ trying to shut up the audience sometimes and I love that. Basically, Frank is saying, “Wait, we can buy that you can speak to the dead and that we’re on a time traveling island, yet you call BS that she forgets English?” Point proven.

While Flocke is gone to attempt to bring back Sun, Widmore’s men attack the camp and take Jin. And the reason is awesome. See, Widmore needs to know where the electromagnetic fields on the island are. Back in the 70s, Jin took care of those. So the new version of the past (with the Losties) is now affecting the future.

Meanwhile, Flocke and Zombie Sayid go to Widmore to find Jin. This is what I love about LOST: you don’t know who the bad guy is for sure. We assume Flocke is bad because all signs point to that. And if you like Ben, Widmore is a bad guy. But if you like Widmore, Ben is a bad guy. But they all are bad guys. We are left to root for one, and that is awesome writing.

Back at the beach, Richard comes back and tells them they must go blow up that plane so Flocke cannot leave.

Sayid stays behind to find out what Widmore is hiding. And what is he hiding? Desmond. Why? We don’t know yet, but things are getting incredibly interesting. And finally.

One thing I’d like to point out. It seems, in the flash sideways, everyone is about to meet up. Here’s how. Jack is a doctor, ergo, he is at the hospital. Claire is there giving birth. Sayid’s brother is there and Sayid is going back to see him. Sun was just shot, so she and Jin are heading to a hospital. Now, Locke isn’t there, but he is tempted to take Jack up on his offer to help with his back. That could get him there. As for Kate and Sawyer I don’t know. But those two are together now.

Something is going to happen soon. I can feel it. And that’s not just my sadness and loneliness eating me away on the inside.

LOST “AB AETERNO” RECAP (S06E09)

Remember your first kiss? How great that was? Well that kiss is stupid compared to tonight’s episode of LOST.

Last night’s episode was all about Richard, the sexy island mystery man who never ages. But why? Well we f’n found out.

Richard was a sexy Spanish farmer in the late 1800s. He was married to a smokin’ hot woman who, unfortunately, was dying. In order to save her, he went to the doctor, who was a complete dildo. He wasn’t going to sell Richard the medicine his wife needed. So things came to push and shove and Richard shoved the doctor, who hit his head on a table and died. Richard raced home, but his wife was dead. Bummer! Then he was arrested. Double bummer!

He was to be hung for his crimes. Even his priest did not absolve him of his sins. But, the priest found out he spoke English, so he was able to sell him into slavery. I guess that priest graduated from the school of Douchebag Priests (a fake school but a real lame joke).

On the trip to the New World (America THE GREATEST COUNTRY EVER for you uneducated folks or French) the ship got caught in a tidal wave, crashed into the huge island statue, and landed in the middle of LOST town. Soon, the captain was going around, killing the slaves. He got to Richard, then… smokey showed up and murdered everyone but Richard.

Richard then was approached by his dead wife. He told her to run from the smoke monster, but she was caught. Then the MIB (now in Locke’s body) showed up and blamed it all on Jacob. He’s a liar! He told Richard he’d get his wife back if he killed Jacob. That sounds easy enough! But it wasn’t. Jacob is a badass who beat up Richard then gave him a WWE style baptism in the ocean.

Jacob asks Richard to be his helper, his wingman. Richard wants his wife back. Jacob says he can’t do that. He wants his sins absolved. Jacob can’t do that either. Well then he never wants to die. Jacob can do that! We have an answer to a question we’ve been wanting to know for years! LOST is finally answering questions! THANK YOU, JESUS!

At the end, we see that Richard wants to go back to the MIB and work with him, but something stops him: Hurley. Hurley is awesome and I’m so glad to see that he is becoming a major player on the show and not just the comic relief. Richard’s wife came to Hurley to tell Richard not to give up, but to fight MIB. Richard agrees.

AH F’N SNAP WE GOT OURSELVES A SWEET ASS EPISODE! Now, if they all stay at this level, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start crapping myself all the time. And you might think that’s gross. But if it is, what do you call love? I rest my case.