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MOVIE REVIEWS: “50/50” and “The Ides of March

October is an interesting month for movies. September is usually the dumping ground of shit films and November is when awards-season films start premiering across the country. So, October is a mix of both.

“50/50” and “The Ides of March” are my two favorite movies I’ve seen this month and, I believe, the films you should go see now instead of crap like “The Three Musketeers” (hasn’t this movie been made, literally, a million times? I swear. I’m going to go look on IMDB [10 seconds late] Oh, I’m sorry. ONLY 29.) and “Paranormal Activity” (you are aware it’s the same movie, right? Like, almost literally the same movie. You’re paying good money to see the same movie for a third time.)

“50/50” – A powerful indie film about friendship, love, and cancer. Joseph Gordon-Levitt plays the title character, a man diagnosed with cancer. His mother, played by the amazing Angelica Huston, is the next best part of this film. I think almost everyone has had this mother: she freaks out over everything and loves you too much.

Levitt’s character, Adam, is forced through more turmoil after he finds out his girlfriend (Bryce Dallas Howard) is cheating on him. That leaves his therapist, Anna Kendrick, and best friend, Seth Rogen to help him out.

Levitt is phenomenal in this film and holds everything together. It has to be difficult to make a comedy with cancer as the centerpiece, but with him as the lead, it works very well.

It’s nice to see Kendrick getting more great roles and breaking out of the “Twilight” hell she is still in. It’s odd that, out of everyone from those movies, she’ll probably have the most longevity as an actress.

And then there’s Seth Rogen. I use to like Seth Rogen. Hell, I defended him to my friends who hated him. But now, I don’t like him. I get it, Seth: you like pot. You like talking about it. You like smoking it. You like talking about it while you smoke it. Please, let’s move on. I think he could do some great work if he had a director who challenged him. Right now, all his reactions are the same. He acts the same way in every movie. P.T. Anderson showed the world that Adam Sandler could, in fact, act. Let’s get him in an Anderson film and see what happens.

But, Rogen aside, it’s a fantastic film that is worth your money. Please, give money to this film. Hell, if you want to see “Paranormal Activity 15,” fine, but pay for a ticket to “50/50” and hop over to it.


“The Ides of March” – If you don’t like political thrillers that are wordy and require you to pay attention to details, then go see shitty movies like “The Three Musketeers” or “Paranormal Activity 56.” George Clooney proves, again, why he is one of the top actors in the world and, one of the top directors.

Clooney plays a nominee for the Democratic Presidential ticket. His closets aides are Philip Seymour-Hoffman and the ever so dreamy, Ryan Gosling.

Gosling is a young guy with clear and good ideals. He wants politicians to be nice and clean and love Americans more than corporations. That’s why he is with Clooney. But, as the film goes on, he learns quickly that once you’re a politician, you’re always a politician.

It’s a fantastic film that I recommend you seeing. It’s main issue is simple: who is hotter, Clooney or Gosling? It’s hard for me to decide, because I look like a spitting image of George Clooney. It’s uncanny. Yet, part of me wants to go with Gosling. Is this because I think it’s weird to want to have sex with myself (Clooney)?

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We may never know.


The summer is over. Kids are going to back to school and await anxiously for lunch time and recess. Young adults go back to school and await anxiously as they know student loans will, one day, destroy their lives. And sadly, the summer movie season ends.

In all honesty, it isn’t that memorable. I don’t feel like it was a very exciting season. There were some cool movies, some really bad movies, and some sexy movies (Chris Evans, hello! I mean, um, shit, what women were in movies this summer?)

Here are my summer movie awards. All of these were voted on by a committee of myself and my collection of Ninja Turtle action figures (the large, 12-inch tall ones.)

Here is a movie that was just asking to be hated. I mean, it’s called Captain America. It kind of seems like an idea that Tea Partiers would come up with in between protests and destroying our country.

But director Joe Johnson and super-hunk Chris Evans delivered a really fun and exciting film. They found a great way to deal with the entire “Captain America” shtick, almost making a joke out of it. They gave it what all good superhero moves need, a heart.

Unfortunately, the screenwriters had to stick with the timeline made for “The Avengers,” so they had to get the Cap to modern times. I would have loved for there to have been more World War 2 adventures. But now, we get to see him fight along other awesome Marvel superheroes. That might be a pretty awesome trade off.

Really? The main villain will be a giant cloud? Come on!

This film has a great lesson for young filmmakers: a sense of place. It’s always good to establish your location in some way. Real locations are easiest because they come in with pre-established information and emotions. But fictional cities need some time to establish. Metropolis for Superman, Gotham for Batman, my sexpad for sexy ladies. All are giving sweeping establishing shots, scenes of its citizens, anything to make the city real.

In Green Lantern, I couldn’t tell you where the hell this city was. Apparently, it is a fictional city, but I have no idea. I didn’t feel anything for the city, its citizens, buildings, anything. Big emotional disconnect.

Also, if you’re going to make a superhero movie, don’t have him spend most of the movie pouting. Also, don’t establish a cool bad buy and then have him killed so easily and quickly. Also, more Ryan Reynolds being an awesome badass, less in-space crap.

Also, no giant cloud bad guys. Lame.

I loved this movie. One of the most-fun times I’ve had in a movie theatre.

Filmmakers often find humor in giving women vulgar things to say, thinking that is all you need for a good comedy. Luckily, everyone involved in this one knew that the vulgar had to be placed within a meaningful story and wasn’t just meant for shock and laughs.

Kristen Wiig, an actress that easily gets on my nerves on Saturday Night Live (mostly because she is overused, not because of anything with her) is perfect in this. It’s nice to see Maya Rudolph back, also. But Melissa McCarthy steals the show.

Lots of funny ladies. Lots of funny boners. I mean, sexy boners. My boners are sexy. And veiny.

I don’t want to get in into too much. This movie just pisses me off.

Again, a lame story. What the hell was going on most of the time? Why do Transformers build pillars to bring their planet to Earth? Why does it take hundreds of them? Why is only one the key? Wouldn’t there be a number that were important and keys? Why didn’t they build a backup plan just in case one broke? “Well, fakers, we broke one. No planet for us!” Why take their old planet? Why not just destroy Earth and take it.

Anyway, like I said, I don’t want to get into it…

When did Shia LeBeouf learn parkour? Why Chicago? Seriously, why the fuck did the Transformers need Chicago? It’s never explained! How come a film about fighting robots gets made without a lot of fighting robots? Why did the humans chose to jump out of the building and slide down it without a backup plan? Why did MY DICK HURTS.


I love these movies. We will never get a film series as well made, acted, and written than these. SNAPE 4EVA!

I want to make sweet, deep love to this film and just cuddle forever afterward. From the heartbreaking first shot to the final frame, everything about this film was amazing.

JJ Abrams channels his inner-Spielberg and gives us a film that feels like the films I saw as a child. It’s my generation’s ET.

I laughed, I cried, and held in urine for longer than I could ever imagine just so I didn’t miss anything. And then I cried some more (half because of the ending, half because of the pain.)

Horrible Bosses – It’s nice to see Charlie Day getting some primetime play.
X-Men: First Class – A lot of fun. Nice to see the franchise get a good reboot and a great palate cleanser from the Wolverine movie.
Beginners – Indie movie Heaven. This could be my favorite film of the year.
Thor – I expected this to be terrible, but was a lot of fun and pretty damn good. Makes me more excited about “The Avengers.”


10 years and eight movies later, the Harry Potter saga is over. I did some research and found out that the series did, in fact, make about 14 gagillionjillion dollars.

But most importantly, Hermoine turned out really, really hot.

Though some saw it as a cash crab, WB and the filmmakers decided to split the second film in half in order to get as much of the book in the film as possible, which is something I very much welcome. Sure, they get way more money now, but also, we get two very good films. Someday, when they get released as one movie, it’ll be an epic 4.5 hours of movie watching. Also, an epic 4.5 hour erection over Hermoine. Seriously, have you seen her lately. Talk about a curse. On my wiener.

You’ve probably seen the film or heard about it, but for those who don’t have erections about Hermoine, in this film, Harry faces Voldemort for the final time. But before that, he must destroy all the Horcruxes. There are seven total, all containing a part of Voldemort’s soul. Luckily, one of those isn’t Hermoine. Because she is hot and I’d hate for her to have to die.

It’s a 130 minute film, about 100 of those being action. It is truly fantastic how it all comes together. Neville Longbottom who, if I can say so, truly grew into his very British face to become kind of hot (but not hot like Hermoine. I mean, I like girls. Not boys. Not boys named Neville. Stop it, erection!), shows up in a big way as the de facto leader of the Hogwarts students while our group of three have been searching for Horcruxes. When they arrive, they devise a plan to take over the school from Snape, who is now running it after killing Dumbledore. Also, Hermoine is there. And hot and stuff. She even has boobs now. And an age that is legal.

Alan Rickman as Snape is the best part of this entire series. The guy truly can play evil and be kind at the same time. When Harry learns what Snape has done for him, it is truly heartbreaking for both characters. Rickman shines through this film, which is very hard to do with the likes of Michael Gambon as Dumbledore, Ralph Fiennes as Lord Voldemort and Emma Watson as the super fucking hot Hermoine.

It is obvious, I loved the film. You should definitely see it. It is truly an accomplishment that these films remained this good over the decade they were in production. It’s a lesson in storytelling and love that author JK Rowling turned over her baby, the Harry Potter saga, to these filmmakers, to bring into fruition. Of course, you can always have the argument that the book is better, but that is a ridiculous argument. Books and movies are completely different media outlets. Books have the time to explore indefinite side stories and characters. Movies have about 2.5 hours, if they are lucky. Movies have to sacrifice and Steve Kloves, who adapted all of them, did the best job possible. There will always be things left out that I wish weren’t (for example, the way Voldemort meets his demise in the books is way cooler than in the movie), but those are pointless arguments.

Besides, books are stupid. Unless they have photos of Hermoine in them. Hot photos. So, so hot.


I wanted to love Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. I really, really did. It even starts off pretty awesome, with some revisionist history about the Apollo 11 moon landing actually a cover for searching an Autobot’s ship crash landing on the moon.

There are a few cheesy lines, mainly being a NASA scientist asking Neil Armstrong, right after Armstrong told him about the aliens and the ship, “We’re not alone, are we?” Armstrong responds, “No, we are not.” A better response would have been, “Fuck no, dude! I just told you the crazy shit I saw. We’re you not fucking listening? I’m on the fucking moon looking at fucking weird alien shit. Well, robot aliens. Fuck! I have no fucking clue what I am looking at, but yeah. Let me ask your overly-dramatic question with: fuck no, we are not alone. Hey, asshole, I’m on the fucking moon, with fucking aliens. You’re on Earth in air conditioning, surrounded by scientists with huge boners. Leave the rhetorical shit behind while I try not to shit myself.”

Michael Bay attempts to give us some sort of story or plot with the film, but it doesn’t really materialize. Based on the gagillion dollars the film made, I’m going to assume you’ve seen it. If not, then everything I say won’t make sense. But even if you saw it, it wouldn’t make much more sense.

After Transformers 2, Bay was accused of using excess as a way of hiding the lack of story or plot. So what does he do this time around? He doesn’t even try to give a story or plot. 2 was bogged down with a crazy story and crazy ideas with little or nothing tying the ideas together. This time around, Bay is like, “you know what? Screw it. Make shit blow up real good and we’ll go home rich.”

I’m a huge Bay fan and apologist. Until now. Any shit he gets for 3 is, probably, warranted. The guy is still the expert at making shit blow up and making it look really, really good. But nothing else makes sense. “Oh, we gotta get up high to shoot a rocket at a building? Let’s use the building that is already falling down!”

“Oh, Optimus Prime uses huge metal swords and rockets but can get trapped in Earth-based construction cables. Why not?”

“We need a new actress? Let’s get a model that has never acted before! Boobies!”

“Let’s have Chicago get destroyed but NEVER EXPLAIN WHY THE ROBOTS GO THERE TO BEGIN WTIH.”

“Sam Witwicky can Parkour now? Cool!”

Nothing makes sense. And it makes matters worse when 90% of the dialoge is trying to explain things. It’s just one scene doing its best to make sure the next scene makes some sort of sense.

I know, these movies shouldn’t be about story, but about robots blowing shit up real good. Well, they do blow shit up real good. The action scenes are awesome. The windsurfer sequences are amazing to see and about the only reason to really see this movie in 3D (otherwise, the 3D really doesn’t bring anything to the movie.) But it’s hard to really, really care when nothing makes sense. Like the last hour of Transformers 2. There are some amazing action set pieces there, but I have no clue why they are happening and so, I do not care.

Nothing makes sense, really, and that is why this film fails. I say you should go see it with some friends and have some beers. It’s worth seeing just to see some awesome action. But maybe wait until it is in a dollar theater. Or if you want to see it quicker, don’t by the 3D premium.

Like I said, I wanted to love this movie. I wanted to say “Haha! Bay, haters! Suck that exploding dick that just went in your butt and our your head!” But I cannot. Bay needs someone to rope him down and more importantly, read his scripts.

Here is a sample page from Transformers 3.


Shit blows up.

SAM WITWICKY – Why is shit blowing up?

RANDOM PERSON – So we have to go up this building!

SAM – Oh, okay!

RANDOM PERSON 2 – Once we get in that building, we can save the world!


Shit blows up in the building.

SAM – This building was a bad choice!

RANDOM PERSON – I know! We needed to get higher to save the world!

SAM – Oh no, the building is falling down!

RANDOM PERSON – The building is falling down because of Decepticons!

RANDOM PERSON 2 – Decepticons are bad guys!

SAM – If we let the Decepticons win, we lose!

RANDOM PERSON – Losing is bad!

So, yeah. How can I get that job? That asshole writer is rich.


So, yeah. Real men cry. They cry, like, a lot. Especially during this movie. Real dudes do. Non-real dudes don’t cry. They probably spend all their time being emotionless and boning women. Meanwhile, real men like me sit back, watch Super 8, cry some, then talk to women about the Kardashians or whatever the hell women talk about.

Writer/Director JJ Abrams second feature film, after the awesome Star Trek reboot, brings us a shot of Spielbergian nostalgia that movies so desperately need. Spielberg has always had this way of making grand, impossible stories, sticking in average Joes, and making the viewer believe all of it is possible. His films are always full of adventure and action, but steeped in interesting and real characters (not counting Schindler’s List. That movie is the worst comedy ever.)

And Abrams has found a way to bring all those feelings, emotions, and storytelling techniques and add his own flare (literally, lens flares everywhere.)

Joe Lamb and his father Jackson are having a hard time coping with the death of his mother. Jackson is distant, barely home, concentrating on his police work. Meanwhile, Joe is hanging out with his friends, creating a hilarious zombie movie, shot on super 8mm film.

By now, you know what happens. They witness a train crash that contains a monster or alien or a Kardashian, I’m not sure (it’s actually an alien but I had to act like I didn’t know so that joke would work.) Strange things start happening in town and the kids, while shooting their film, search for clues.

The film works only because the kids work. They act like real friends. They’re shitty to one another, but not in a mean way, but in that friend way. They swear, like kids do, they fight over girls and get over it real quick, like young kids do, and they don’t listen to adults. The four friends and the new-to-the-group girl played by Elle Fanning (which, by the way, is having a dramatically better career than her sister now. One is staring in Sofia Coppola movies and big super blockbusters. The other is a boring vampire in the Twilight series. I’m also not sure if either are legal, and I’m too lazy to look it up, so I’m not going to physically compare them) work so well together that you can buy in to what they are doing. You can buy into the fact they are risking their lives for shots or to find out what this monster is.

Kyle Chandler plays Joe’s father and I am happy to see him getting a big part. Chandler seems like a cool dude and he does a great job balancing the tortured father part.

The film has problems, sure. What happens with the mother is a big deal that I won’t give away, but the problems that caused between two families gets resolved a little too easily. Some stuff with the monster goes unexplained. Does he eat all people? Why is he eating one person, but not another? I don’t remember if he captured any minorities. Is the monster racist or just not into dark meat? Is that joke racist? The movie never answers these questions.

I can get real picky, but I don’t want to. I don’t want to be cynical about everything. I don’t want to constantly be picking things apart. I know there are problems, but I don’t care. It is nice to watch a film that makes me feel like a kid again. It makes me feel like I’m watching ET or Jurassic Park again, back when things were easy and I wasn’t always concerned with character arcs or plot devices or stuff like that.

Best movie of the summer, so far.

Posted: July 6th, 2011 under Movie Reviews.
Comments: none

MOVIE REVIEW – “The Beaver”

First, let me start by saying I’m not going to make any “beaver = vagina” jokes. It isn’t that they are immature or not funny. It is because they have all already been used and now they are cliched and that sucks. Whatever. Thanks a lot, world.

“The Beaver” is an interesting film. For one, it is Jodie Foster’s first film she has directed in 16 years. Two, it stars Mel Gibson, who has been chastised and pretty much publicly shunned since audio recordings of his fights with his former girlfriend leaked to the public (if you haven’t somehow heard these, let me sum it up for you: Gibson has a bad temper and says mean things in loud voices.) And the screenplay is a blacklisted screenplay from a few years ago written by first-time film writer, Kyle Killen.

Also, it is just a weird story. Gibson plays Walter Black, a troubled and depressed husband who has nothing going for him. His family hates him, he is terrible at his job, and he just wants to die. He has no idea how he got to this place, and does not care. So, he is forced to move out of his home.

While throwing some of his items away, he comes across a beaver hand puppet in a dumpster. He picks it up, goes to a hotel, gets super drunk, wakes up the next morning with the beaver on his hand and it is talking to him in an amazingly funny cockney British accent. The Beaver (I will capitalize that now because it is a physical character. So there you go, grammer nazis. Fucked up your complaints about the lacks of beaver capitalization from before!) is telling Walter what to do, how to get better. And for some reason, Walter listens.

From here, Walter gets back in his family’s life in a big way (and rather quickly, too. It is kind of odd how this happens in about a 12 hour span.) His wife, played by Foster, is happy and his younger son loves The Beaver (damn you world! That would have been a good joke, there.) But his older son, Porter (Anton Yelchin) is not happy. He already hated his father and this makes him hate him more.

Porter has his own issues, though. He doesn’t want to be like his father, going as far as writing down each similarity and trying to avoid them. He is the smart kid at school, writing papers for people and getting money for it. One day, he is approached by the Valedictorian, Norah (Jennifer Lawrence), who needs him to write her Valedictorian speech (this is kind of a stretch here, but I guess if I can accept a man talking through a puppet, then I’ll accept this.) Porter likes the girl and wants to do a good job for her, but being like his father, messes it up along the way.

“The Beaver” is definitely a film you should see. It is funny and interesting, but ultimately, way more dramatic than I thought it would be. I remember reading about the screenplay years ago, reading that it was a dark comedy. This is more like a drama with some funny parts sprinkled in. Foster took the film a different direction for some reason. I like the results, but rarely does a film come along that I wish had two versions. This one, and the dark comedy version. If she had gone down the comedy path, I think this film would stick out amongst the summer pile of films way more than it does. As it is, the film isn’t being seen, and that is still sad.

I’m trying to think of a good joke it end this on, but all I keep coming up with are lame beaver jokes. I’m really upset by this.

“SUPER” Movie Review

It took my probably 12 hours to fully decide what I thought about this movie. I left the theater thinking I loved it, but I wasn’t sure.

12 hours later, I knew I did.

Super is fucked up fun, with an emphasis on the fucked up (as visually displayed here by putting it in bold: fucked up.)

Rainn Wilson is Frank, a cook at a crappy restaurant who appears to never be happy. His wife Sarah (Liv Tyler) is a recovering addict who gets involved with drugs again. This leads to her leaving, or getting persuaded to leave, really, but Jacques, played with a lot of fun and evilness by Kevin Bacon (who, by the way, after the last movie I made, I am now five degrees away from, one less than the legal limit.)

Through an incredibly odd dream, which I won’t describe here so I don’t ruin the surprise, Frank decides to become a superhero and fight crime. He gets ideas for his hero from comics that he buys at a local shop where Libby (Ellen Page) works. She is a spunky girl, easily excited and in love with super heroes.

Dubbed “The Crimson Bolt,” Frank goes on a rage with his trust pipe wrench, defeating criminal after criminal. He yells, “Shut up, Crime!” as he hits people in the face, blood spilling everywhere. And of course, cops hate him because cops hate anything that fights crime. Seriously, I do not understand this superhero comic book/movie cliche. You would think cops would love someone making their jobs easier.

“Shit! There’s a robbery downtown! We gotta go!”

“Dave, put the exclamation points away. The superhero has this.”

“Sweet. I’m going to go poop.”

See? Superheros are helping you do nothing and still get paid. Awesome, yes?

The film is all dark humor. I mean, I cannot emphasize this enough how fucked up it is (maybe I can bold and italicize it? Fucked up?) Soon after her starts, Libby discovers his secret identity and joins forces as Boltie. Her outfit is more meant to produce boners than fear.

Director James Gunn seems to be comfortable in this world and it shows. The film moves quick and stays funny the entire time. Towards the end, however, is when things turn from dark comedy to just plan demented. It was these last 15 minutes that made me doubt my love for the film. It ends on such a weird, low note that it almost made me forget the fun I was having for the entre first part of the film.

However, it ended the best way it could. It couldn’t be a happy movie by any means. Too many bad things happen for this to be wrapped up in a neat little Hollywood-like package and shoved down our throats, unlike Kick-Ass, a film this will definitely be compared to. But unlike Kick-Ass, this film never makes “The Crimson Bolt” a real superhero. He’s a real guy who bleeds, gets shot, cries, and gives up, just like real people do.

And it’s fucked up. (I got it! Bold, italics, and capitalized! It is FUCKED UP.)

Movie Review: “Sucker Punch”

Here’s what happened.

Zack Snyder went into a pitch meeting wearing a huge smile across his face and probably something super trendy from the Gap or some shit like that. He sat across from studio execs, men and women begging for a hit film, begging for money, begging for something that’ll help them not lose their jobs.

“You remember my film 300?” Snyder asked.

“Oh, yes! That was a huge success!” said one exec.

“Now, replace the dudes in that with scantily clad hot chicks. Now give me millions.”

The execs looked at each other, each one sporting a huge erection. Even the one woman exec (which made this otherwise monumental occasion awkward.)

As Snyder walks away, one of the execs says, “Wait! Hold on, what’s the story?”

Snyder continues walking out the door.


Sucker Punch is basically a video game that isn’t fun to play and a music video that isn’t fun to watch. It’s apparently about empowering women, but the funny thing is, all the empowering is done in dreams, never in real life. Great message! “Hey, little girls. You can totally be independent and dominate the world, but only in your dreams. And sometimes a dream within a dream. Now go get a short skirt on and flash that cooter all over the place.”

It’s a bad sign when I have to go to IMDB to look at characters’ names, which I definitely need to do. But this movie doesn’t deserve it. So here is a rough plot outline.

White-haired girl’s mom dies, she tries to kill her stepdad but kills her sister (mind you, the sister was sitting on the floor and White-haired girl shot a lightbulb on the ceiling and the sister got shot in the back of the head and FUCK PHYSICS WE GOT A PLOT TO GET TO!). So her stepdad sends her to a mental hospital so he can get dead mom’s inheritance.

The mental hospital is ran by a crooked dude I refer to as… crooked dude. Fuck it, I don’t care. Crooked dude is a dick. Moving on…

I don’t know. From there, the mental hospital turns into some sort of old timey speakeasy where the crazy girls dance for rich men. And white-haired chick is forced to dance and when she does for the first time, she suddenly teleports to a place where she meets an old dude who is the poor man’s David Carradine. She gives him super cheesy advice that is suppose to be empowering women, then givers her a sword and a gun and a list of shit she’ll need to escape the hospital. After that, three huge CGI ninja things show up and they fight. She gets kicked through a building and through pillars, hits the ground and slides across it, tearing up the floor. She simply shrugs and gets up.

Also, she’s in a skirt and a short shirt. Empowering women and boners, I guess.

Anywho, she kills them and teleports back to the hospital where everyone tells her she is a fantastic dancer. Whatever.

She has five days to escape before she gets a lobotomy. So she enlists some other girls from the hospital to help her get out. From there, they go on a journey to get these items. How do they get them? White-haired girl dances and suddenly they are all transported to fantasy lands where they fight random shit, from zombie nazis to dragons to robots to my anger. Each one dressed super sexy, flashing vaginas and cleavage everywhere.

That’s all you really need to know. Does that make sense? No. No it fucking doesn’t. Nothing in this movie does. The movie looks pretty, I guess that’s good. The action scenes are cool at first until they just turn into the same thing over and over and over again. I really do not understand how this movie got made. I hate saying that because I think Snyder is a great filmmaker with a tremendous style, but someone needs to reel him in a bit. Christopher Nolan, I’m looking at you. Don’t let him mess up Superman.

I read a bunch of good and bad reviews of this film before going in. I was prepared for a movie that might be bad, but still be fun. Something like Michael Bay would make. I was also prepared to watch it and go home and fiercely masturbate to images of the women in this film. But no. That I could not do. I was too enraged about how terrible this film was. I couldn’t do anything when I got home. Absolutely nothing.

So if Sucker Punch did anything well, it kept me from having to buy more socks. Thanks, assholes.


Why does it seem like geeks and nerds always get involved in a lot of unnecessary drama? Remember that movie, “The Pirates of Silicon Valley,” the one about how Microsoft and Apple came be? Lots of nerdy drama. And you think, “Hey, nerds, come on. You guys should be fighting together to get super popular and rich in order to beat the nerd-haters.” But no. That doesn’t happen. And that film and “The Social Network” are great reminders of one thing everyone should know: nerds are vicious assholes who you really don’t want to mess with.

Jesse Eisenberg moves away from the awkward-teen phase and into pure ballsack territory, playing Mark Zuckerberg as a nerd hellbent on being popular and liked, but doing it in the worse ways, like alienating anyone and everyone around him. One night, after being a complete douche to his girlfriend, Zuckerberg goes back to his Harvard dorm, blogs mean things about her, then comes up with a way to hack the Harvard facebooks (websites with the photos of people who live in the individual dorms) and make it to where people can compare the looks of their female classmates. The website is so popular that it gets Zuckerberg in a lot of trouble, makes all the women on campus hates him, but attracts the attention of three men who have an idea for Harvard Connection, a website for Harvard students to go online and, well, it’s just like Facebook.

Which is where Zuckerberg gets the idea for Facebook. He asks his one and only friend, Eduardo Saverin (who is playing the new Spider Man) for start up cash, and they start creating Facebook together. Then, the Harvard Connection guys get super pissed and then Zuckerberg starts to push Spider Man out of the website all together and drama, drama, drama.

The film is actually incredibly entertaining and engaging. It is great to see Eisenberg finally become something more than a stereotype, something Michael Cera has yet to do (and I have no clue how he will do it.) Justin Timberlake (or JT as I like to call him) is really good in the film, playing Sean Parker, the inventor of Napster who comes in and gets Facebook millions and millions of dollars. He is what drives the wedge in between Zuckerberg and Spider Man. Who knew JT had the acting chops?

David Fincher did. Fincher’s a brilliant director and shows it off here. The guy just knows how to move a film, between the pacing and cinematography, you never once look at your watch and sigh in horror at the amount of time left.

It is a fast film, but it has a lot in it. Is this the film of our generation as many have called it? I don’t know. But it is interesting to see the exact moment when, literally, everyone’s lives changed. Do you remember when Facebook wasn’t around? What the hell did we do on the internet? Just look at porn? Probably. I mean, I didn’t. I was reading the, um, Wall Street Journal. So this film defines when our lives truly changed. How many times do you check Facebook a day? Less than 10? I doubt it. It’s probably on your phone, also. Which means, you are always connected to it. It is who we are now.

And we have a nerd hellbent on being liked to thank for that. See, high school bullies and jocks, do not fuck with the nerds.

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The summer is over, and it was kind of disappointing. There weren’t many awesome movies released. Inception was the best film. Oddly enough, August held three of my favorite summer films (August is usually the end of summer movie season and the beginning of the dumping ground that is crappy movies) with Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, The Other Guys, and The Expendables (yeah, yeah, say what you want, but seeing old dues blow shit up and kill people is entertaining.)

Now, we come to Fall. Will it be as bad as the summer? Eh, I don’t know. So far, there isn’t much out there that seems interesting. But maybe, just maybe, something will come through as a good reason to spend your hard earned money to go to the theatre.


I’m Still Here (the 10th) – Remember when Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, became super annoying, didn’t shave, rapped poorly, and acted like he was on drugs? Well it was all for a fake documentary! I can’t wait to re-live those moments of annoyance again. Pass.

Resident Evil: Afterlife (the 10th) – I have yet to see one Resident Evil movie. But these keep getting made so there has to be an audience out there. In this one, Milla Jovovich kills zombie-like things, which I think happens a lot in the first three films. In other news, I’m not sure if Jovovich is hot.

Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (the 24th) – Oliver Stone brings us a sequel we really didn’t care to see. I should write some sort of synopsis here but I really, really just don’t care. I might see it because I like Shia LeBeouf. Yeah, I said it. I like him. Fight me, I dare you (please don’t. I’m a pussy.)


The Social Network (the 1st) – A movie about Facebook? Sounds kind of lame. Directed by David Fincher of Fight Club fame? All right, I’ll see it. A great marketing campaign has made this film even more interesting. I can’t wait to see it and comment about it on Facebook! OMG SO META!

Jackass 3-D (the 15th) – I hate 3D and wish it were dead… after this film. Whoever’s idea this was is a genius. The Jackass films might, just might, kill the 3D craze by abusing it with horrific and gross gags. What fluids will fly at my face during this film? Find out in October!

Saw 3-D (the 31) – Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.


Due Date (the 5th) – Director Todd Phillips (The Hangover) + Robert Downey Jr + Zach Galifianakis = magic. Could this be a modern day Planes, Trains, and Automobiles? That film is a classic. If it is half that, it’ll be hilarious. It’s nice to see a comedy released in the fall. Usually, comedies are left to the spring or summer. Also, did I mention Galifianakis is a comedy gold mine?

For Colord Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf (the 5th) – What the fuck Tyler Perry? I go to movies to watch, not to read your long titles.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part 1 (the 19th) – Watch the trailer for the first film, then this film. It is amazing how far these movies have come. This looks to be a fantastic end to the ride that is Harry Potter. That last sentence sounds like I want to ride Harry Potter. Which I don’t. Or do I? Mystery!


Black Swan (the 1st) – Darren Aronofsky makes a film about ballerinas. But more importantly, stars Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis kiss in it. Now, you might think I am being a jerk by not focusing on the film’s beautiful cinematography and fantastic acting displayed in the trailer, but you know what, I know. I am a jerk. And my exploding erection cannot be stopped.

TRON: Legacy (the 17th) – Daft Punk will make this movie awesome, I promise you. I’ve never seen the first one, but if this is a two-hour long Daft Punk music video, it’ll be the best movie ever. Also, Olivia Wilde is in it. And no, I don’t care about her looks. I care about her super hot and sexy acting. Her ridiculously attractive acting. Her sweet, well-exercised acting.

True Grit (the 25th) – The Coen Brothers are back with a remake of the 1969 western. I hope it is good. I love the original. But, I worry because this is being released on Jesus’ birthday and I bet he already has a lot of party plans. I guess I can go the next day.