And yet another tip from your Uncle Lar.
By Jason Tanamor

“You know what makes good crowds? Funny Comedians. That’s a tip from your uncle Lar.”

Another tip from Uncle Lar is this. “Everyone should drink. Alcohol is taxed and the money goes to schools,” Reeb said. “So drink up. You’re not a drunk, you’re an education provider.”

Larry Reeb, better known across stages as Uncle Lar, dishes out tips and one-liners to audiences throughout the United States. “I was working at an amusement park in the day, while I did stand-up at night,” Reeb said. “Everyone working there was like 15, so they started calling me Uncle Lar. On stage, after a joke I threw in, ‘That’s a tip from your Uncle Lar,’ and it stuck.”

Having said this, Larry Reeb does have jokes with his advice. In fact, he mixes up each show with new material. “I just do my thing but if it’s an older crowd I will clean it up a little bit,” Reeb said. And if he doesn’t think the material is working, he has a unique way of parting with the less than spectacular jokes. “I try a new joke 4 or 5 times. I try wording it in different ways then if it still doesn’t work, I sell it to a new comedian.”

He’s kidding of course. Unless there are some takers.

Reeb, a nationally touring comedian for much of his life, has done everything from radio to television. “I haven’t had a day job since 1979. As long as I can make a living doing comedy. I’m a happy guy,” Reeb said.

And for being happy, Reeb doesn’t mind the traveling around part of being a road comic. “I like traveling and I like being alone. But please don’t tell my wife I said that,” Reeb said. Although the comedian is very direct and soft-spoken during an interview, Reeb’s sharp wit on stage is built to handle any crowd, including hecklers. During a certain performance, an intoxicated patron shouted, “talk about sex!” Reeb retorted, “your parents shouldn’t have had it.” Of course, he followed this with his trademark saying, “that’s another tip from your Uncle Lar.”

But that isn’t the performance that stands out to Reeb. At a club in Nashville, Reeb was working with another comedian, Ron Douglas. “After the show, Ron went out and drank a lot of vodka,” Reeb said. “He was an alcoholic and the next day, he was found dead. The next week’s comedian called and I told him that Douglas died. Reeb asked, ‘But how did you do?’”

Reeb began his career in Chicago, where he still lives today, at the Comedy Womb, slogan, “Where Comedians Are Born.” “It’s not there anymore,” Reeb said. He did odd jobs while working the clubs at night until in 1979, he managed to do stand-up comedy full time. “I never went to college, if I weren’t doing comedy I’d probably be driving a cab or flipping burgers,” Reeb said. “Any day I don’t have a day job, I’m happy.”

And he’s been happy for a long time. Not bad for a man who decided to become a comedian when he was in high-school. “When I was 15, I was in a speech class in high-school. We could do the speech on anything so I wrote a humorous one and it got laughs,” Reeb said. “The material gets harder as you get older, but you have to sit down and do it. You either know how to do it or don’t.”

Reeb is a regular on the nationally syndicated radio program, “The Bob & Tom Show” and has appeared on HBO, SHOWTIME, VH1, and MTV. His live comedy CD, “It’s a Sick World and I’m a Happy Guy,” is available after his show.

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, “Hello Lesbian!” and “Anonymous.”

This season of “Saturday Night Live” ended a couple of weeks ago. Back in August, after a written submission tryout, I was asked to be a freelance writer for Weekend Update. Given that it was an election year and that I was turned down in ‘07, I was thrilled beyond words. I even called my old English professor and told him to suck it.

It was a blast to do–the SNL thing, not telling off the professor, although that was fun too even if it was the wrong number and I made an old woman cry.

Here’s how it worked…Every week there was a show, I would turn in ten jokes (that was the limit) based on current events. But (sigh) they used not a single one of mine the whole year. The whole damn year! It was so demoralizing, I honestly felt a bit nervous and ashamed when asking Lorne Michaels for an invitation to the end of the year after-party.

I hear 100% rejection is actually par for the course for freelancers, so I’m not too bummed about it. Furthermore, I heard from a comic who works at SNL that a few of my gems actually made the first couple of cuts to reach the “Alt List” a few times before finally being shown to the trash. So I almost reached my goal. That makes me feel like the LeBron James of comedy writing. If I keep that up, someday people might say that I write jokes better than Michael Jordan.

There are seriously no hard feelings toward SNL. I will of course try out again this summer. In the meantime, I have to apologize to Old Woman Erma in Nashville.

“I just love being creative. Whether it’s writing an article for Playboy, answering interview questions, writing a sitcom or a Tonight Show correspondence piece, anything that involves creating something that wasn’t there a few moments ago, I embrace.”

This is what Mitch Fatel, comedian and all around good guy, says about whatever it is he’s doing. Zoiks! Online had the chance to sit down with him for a quick Q&A.

Question – At what age did you start your comedy career?
Fatel – I started doing comedy when I was 15 years old. I used to go on stage in my pajamas and say that I had to get up early for school the next day. That was the funniest thing I said, after that it was all downhill and fast. After my first show ever I asked my mom how I did and she said, ‘Let’s face it Mitch, you died.’ So, of course, with support like that, how could you not continue to pursue a career? Actually the next CD or DVD I put out is going to have audio footage of some shows I did when I was 15. We thought the tapes were lost but my friend just found them in his barn upstate where I had stored them years ago. They are truly “the lost tapes.”

Question – Describe a typical day for you.

Fatel – Wake up, cry, shower, cry a bit more, write, gym, nap, write, answer mail, send out tapes, show, happy, go home and sleep (rinse and repeat).

Question – What time of day do you write?
Fatel – I actually write two times a day. Once when I wake up for a half hour and once after my nap for a half hour as well. There’s something about writing after you wake up that really lets you be creative. It’s as if all your walls are down and your mind is just awake. I heard that Einstein never really slept, he would work until he was drowsy, then he would hold a bunch of marbles in his hand until he passed out, the marbles falling would wake him and then he would work on his theories. He said that period between sleep and lucidness was when he was at his most creative. I’m not saying I’m an Einstein here but I have found that that’s when I write my funniest stuff. (Actually I am saying I’m an Einstein, a retarded Einstein if you will)

Question – When you write, do you have a goal to reach?
Fatel – No, goals like that don’t work. You can’t really say, ‘I’m going to write a joke.’ You can say, ‘I’m going to write and whatever happens, happens.’ To be creative the worst thing you can do is try to force yourself to do something. I think being creative is accessing a childlike quality within you and just like your father yelling at you to hit a baseball. I don’t think you can yell at yourself to write a joke. I just start writing and if a joke comes then I consider myself lucky. If not, I have learned to not beat myself up.

Question – How do you get your material?
Fatel – Usually my funniest stuff is elaborating on things that have happened in my recent history. I’ll find myself checking out a girl’s thong at the beach and think “God bless whoever convinced women to wear those.” Then later when I’m writing that thought will come into my mind and I’ll just expand on it, the rest is just performing it and when you perform it the lines tend to write themselves. It’s kind of magical.

Question – What’s the most important thing a comedian has to think about while writing a stand up act?
Fatel – Why he needs so much love in his life that he’s given up all hope of having a regular stable, happy life to instead chase the elusive love he never received as a child. That, and if the club owner is going to feed him.

Question – What’s the best advice someone has given you?
Fatel – Man, I’ve gotten a ton of great advice in my life. The first was when my friend Risa told me that the reason my throat was itching was I had just eaten strawberries and was probably allergic. In 20 years I had never put those two things together. To this day I’m proud to say I have never had an itchy throat again. The second greatest piece of advice I received was from Jerry Seinfeld who once said there was no such thing as writer’s block. He said it was an invention by people who didn’t understand the creative process. All writers eventually hit a period where they’re not particularly funny or entertaining, you just keep writing anything till you come to the other side. Jerry said giving it a name like writer’s block was absurd and gave people an excuse to stop writing.

Question – How did you know that you wanted to be a comedian?
Fatel – When I was about 8 we did a school performance for all the parents of the kids. It was supposed to be a serious presentation of events that were happening that changed history. In the middle of my performance I broke for commercial and started doing commercials for deodorant and foot spray. I remember the audience was just cracking up. After that I was the star, all the parents wanted to talk to me and all the kids liked me. I knew then I was hooked as a performer and would never do anything else.

Question – What’s your main source of inspiration?
Fatel – Vagina.

Question – What clothing item of yours would cause Queer Eye Carson Kressley to pop a vein?
Fatel – How about my entire wardrobe? I literally get nauseous wearing anything other than Jeans and T shirts. I can’t explain it, but I don’t feel like “me” if I’m wearing anything else.

Question – What’s the deal with muffins? Why not pancakes or waffles? If you ever actually did fuck a muffin, what flavor do you think would provide the most intense experience?
Fatel – What do you mean “actually”?

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, “Hello Lesbian!” and “Anonymous.”

Check out my online magazine, Zoiks! Online at: http://zoiksmag.blogspot.com
 
Buy my new novel, “Anonymous” at: http://www.amazon.com/Jason-Tanamor/dp/1434838285

I was recently invited to participate in Byron Allen’s new project entitled “comedy.tv”. It was a big surprise to get the call, especially since in my emails to the producers, I kept calling him Brian Allen. I felt like my mom, who calls comics things like Kathy Mandarin (Kathleen Madigan), Jack Jergensen (Jake Johannsen), and Bill Saguine (possibly Conan O’Brien).

The only bad thing about this whole experience was the timing. I got the invite Thursday last week and had to be in LA Sunday. A trip cross country, connecting in Detroit, sitting in the middle seat between two middle-aged women who laugh out loud at the in-flight movie “Bridal Wars”. . . All of these things are tolerable. What’s not is finding a reasonably-priced plane ticket with only two days notice.

The best rate I could find was $410 which I paid for with 10,000 shares of GM stock. But it was well worth it.

Forty-two comics doing six minutes each. Of course not everyone stuck to six minutes, because there’s still a mentality of “hey, I’m killing so that red light in the back of the room can suck it”. But overall it was amazing. Events like this are fun because it’s like a comedy convention. Comics from all over can catch up on what they’re doing, where they’ve been, and which comedy condos have been de-loused lately.

I wish we had more time to hang out. But the time that was spent was awesome. I can’t wait to see the finished project.

For Drew Hastings, comedy is a pain.
By Jason Tanamor

“I don’t write jokes, per se. I’ve always considered my time on stage to be a one sided conversation where the audience isn’t allowed to talk.” This is what comedian Drew Hastings believes stand-up comedy is all about. “It comes naturally and there is no process. I should work on it, but I’m really good at avoidance. In fact, I’m so good at running away from my life, I should stretch beforehand.”

Although he jokes about his life, his act, and, in this case, his interviews, Hastings’ life and his rise to comedic stardom is far from a joke. This, of course, is coming from a man who didn’t start doing stand-up comedy until the age of 31, after partaking in a myriad of career choices including owning a small trucking business, a records/document shredding company, and scalping tickets to rock concerts. “My trucking and storage business had gotten bigger and more complex, and I had partners to answer to, government regulations to adhere to. Basically, I morphed from being an entrepreneur to an administrator,” said Hastings. “I thought, I’m going to turn 50 and have a heart attack behind my desk while comparing insurance plans. So, I sold my part of the business and just started comedy full time. Everybody thought I was crazy.”

Born in Casablanca, Morocco, and raised in both, Dayton and Cincinnati, Ohio, Hastings currently resides on a farm in southern Ohio. His act, self-described as “intelligent, opinionated comedy with a Midwestern viewpoint,” hits on all cylinders, even when the audiences aren’t laughing. “It’s never the audiences’ fault. If things go badly, it very seldom is the audience. You’ve done something wrong or are not right for that particular crowd, but you can’t blame them,” Hastings said, adding that all comedy comes from pain. “Most people never stop to think about that. It seems like the stand-up stage is the last place you can be honest. Say whatever you want. It may not go over, but you can say it. College campuses are really bad. I won’t even perform at a college. But it spills over. Young college students in the audience are much more shocked and offended by certain topics than 65 year olds.”

And Hastings has dealt with all sorts of people, even the unpopular Hollywood personality, which he attributes to what’s wrong with stand-up. “The experience of dealing with Hollywood networks, producers, studio executives – most of them are completely clueless and want your talents and material for next to nothing,” Hastings said. “You really have to compromise yourself and your integrity if you want fame, L.A. style.”

For now, Hastings is happy how his life turned out. And if this doesn’t work out, he has another career in mind – archaeology. “As in Indiana Jones. I’d be finding lost sites for the glory and riches. The part where you sit with a paintbrush and wipe dust from a shard of pottery doesn’t interest me,” Hastings said.

Drew Hastings has appeared on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno and is a fixture on The Bob & Tom Show, a nationally syndicated radio show, in which his character, Jack Freeman, became a huge success.

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, “Hello Lesbian!” and “Anonymous.”
Check out my online magazine, Zoiks! Online at: http://zoiksmag.blogspot.com
 
Buy my new novel, “Anonymous” at: http://www.amazon.com/Jason-Tanamor/dp/1434838285

You may not recognize Henry Cho by looking at him, but once he talks it may jog your memory. That’s because the comedian, who looks every bit Asian, has a southern accent. The two kind of make a person shake his head at first. But once Cho gets-a talkin,’ you’ll soon remember him any time his name comes up. That’s because he’s one of the funniest comedians working today. Cho recently sat down with Zoiks! Online to talk life, comedy, and Asian stereotypes.

Q – You’re an Asian with a southern accent. The reason I ask this is because I’m an Asian with a Midwestern accent. Do you think it’s harder being an Asian comedian with a southern accent than an Asian comedian with an Asian accent?
A – It’s not easy being a comedian in any case, but having a southern accent sets me apart from not only all other Asian comedians, from all comedians. I remember Garry Shandling a few years back saying that I stand out so much, in people’s minds after they see me, I don’t have to be super famous for people to remember me. The added plus, in my opinion, on having a southern accent is it’s easy to listen to. Folks in the south sit on the porch and tell stories – easy to sit around and listen to someone from the south, as opposed to an accent from Brooklyn.

Q – So, there are Asian stereotypes like bad driving and being great at Math, and southern stereotypes like lack of teeth and incest. What stereotypes would you say you fall into?
A – I didn’t know about the driving thing until I moved to L.A. years ago. Some loser asked me from the stage if I was a good driver. I told him where I come from me and my dad were the only Asian guys driving there. Neither of us had ever had an accident, and all the bad drivers I knew were white. I’m smart cause I’m Korean, I’m not so smart cause I’m from the south. They cancel each other out, so I’m even.

Q – Does your material change based on the area in which you perform?
A – Not really, there are a couple jokes I can do in say San Francisco that I won’t do in Chicago or Atlanta, but I don’t go about it any differently just cause I’m in a different region.

Q – The only other Asian comics I know are Chinaman, Esther Ku and Margaret Cho. Is there just NOT a stand-up comedy booth at the Asian career fair?
A – I only know Margaret of those three. There are a few more but only a handful. There will be no booth ever at the career fair, it’s just not the art form considered worthy in the Asian community.

Q – What types of things do you like to do on the road?
A – Golf and more golf. If I’m booked anywhere up north in the wintertime the money must be really good cause if I can’t play golf it’s not a good road trip. It’s almost like the shows are my excuse to go to a town to play all the nice golf courses. It has been that way for decades.

Q – You’re in the process of developing a television series based on your life. How did this come about?
A – It’s my fifth TV deal in the past twelve years. That’s the cool thing, even after all these years I’m blessed enough to have network executives still take a meeting to listen to my ideas. It’s a long road to get a show on the air, I’m going old school – an adult comedy that your kids can be in the same room and watch with you.

Q – Which comedians did you learn from the most?
A – I grew up listening to Cosby and Newhart albums, but personally it’s been Seinfeld, Shandling, Leno, Bill Engvall, and Jeff Foxworthy. When I first started my big break came when I got to open for Jerry Seinfeld. I’d been doing stand up for about six months. This was years before his TV show but he was still one of the biggest comedians back then. I got the gig cause I’ve always been clean and he insisted on a clean opener. He liked what I did and took me to other places afterward and told his pals in L.A. about me so I got to open for them. My first year or two of comedy I got to work with the cream of the crop, so I learned from the best. Dave Coulier was also a big help in my early days.

Q – You talk a little bit about being an Asian comic with a southern accent, but it’s not the focus of your act. What made you decide to stray away from the obvious?
A – I wanted to be a comedian, not just the Asian comedian with a southern accent. I have a great hook but I didn’t want to be a one trick pony. I knew to gain the respect of my peers I had to be a comedian and not always rely on my hook.

Q – How difficult is it to keep a clean act when a lot of the acts today are purely based on language and sex?
A – I’ve never cussed on stage in 23 plus years. I’m a Christian so being dirty isn’t what I wanted to present. I have other “Christian comedians” ask me to join their conferences and who want to open for me. I tell them I’m not a Christian comedian, I’m a comedian who’s a Christian, big difference since 99.99% of my gigs are in the mainstream world.

Q – I mean, don’t you just want to say the f-word?
A – N/A

Q – What do you want your audience to take away with them when they leave your show?
A – I like it when folks say that they thought I was funny and they really appreciated the fact that my entire hour was clean. I’m not up there to influence anyone’s view on politics or religion. I’m not curing cancer or doing any heavy lifting. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it when Seinfeld said, “The hardest thing to do is be a stand up comedian.” He reminded me of that fact and I try to wear it as a badge of honor like he and the other top guys do. It’s a great gig and I love it. I’m just hoping the audience laughs for an hour, but I’m not going to offend them to get laughs, it’s just not my style.

Q – Anything you want to add?
A – Phil Nee is an old school Asian comedian. Known him for 20 plus years. Between he and I we’ve written and/or done every funny Asian joke there is, so I know it’s difficult for the young Asian comedians to dip into that well. We’ve milked it dry years ago. My advice to them is always to try and find their voice, but I tell every young comedian that, and not just Asian ones.

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, “Hello Lesbian!” and “Anonymous.”

I’m in Lexington, KY this weekend, where people are getting excited for the Kentucky Derby. They also go crazy for basketball in this part of the country. I believe it’s only a matter of time before some Kentucky resident combines horse racing and basketball to form a new hybrid sport. Like when someone put tennis together with picnics to make Ping Pong. Or when they merged soccer with yawning to create the art of watching soccer.

But unlike David Beckham’s salary, the Kentucky Derby is no laughing matter. There are big hats on the ladies, big wagers from the men, and big glasses of the fanciest drink I’ve ever tasted…the mint julep. Hard to believe that a state that fueled the mullet craze can make a drink that requires garnish. What a country!

I have learned that a proper mint julep consists of crushed ice, fine Kentucky whiskey, and enough sugar to give Seabiscuit half a dozen cavities. The purpose of such a drink, of course, is to give yourself such a headache the next day that you forget how you lost your kid’s college fund betting a trifecta box.

Speaking of which, I won’t be gambling on the ponies this year. I’d love to because my heart melts for one horse…Nowhere To Hide. That’s possibly the worst name in the entire field. He’s a 50-1 longshot, which coincidentally are the same odds he has of not getting a wedgie in gym class with that name. It just sounds to me like the owners are embarrassed by him and didn’t realize it until after they entered him into the biggest horse race ever.

“Let’s call him Big Fat Embarrassment. Oh that’s taken by Congress? Then how about Nowhere To Hide? That’s sweeter than this catnip cocktail they gave me.”

The prize for worst name almost went to Atomic Rain, another 50-1 longshot. Atomic?! Really? At 50-1 odds? Did the Kentucky Derby invite North Korea to the field?

I think people should think before they assign names to things like horses, kids, and sports teams. Case in point…my hometown Nashville has the creepiest nickname in all of hockey. The Predators! I bet Dateline NBC has season tickets and expects to see a mascot in a windowless van selling ice cream to kids. For the love of Chris Hansen, why did we choose that name?

I know there are a ton of bad names in the history of sports. Feel free to list your favorite examples.

Well, I set my new personal record on Friday, for worst gig I’ve ever performed at. I was asked to perform in an “auditorium” for “500 students” at American University. It was a Relay for Life benefit for the American Cancer Society, and they offered me $150. Okay, so good cause, good university, auditorium with 500 students, and I’m open that night, sounds good!

When I arrived, the “auditorium” was Bender Arena, which is a gym, not an auditorium. Critical difference between the two – the primary difference being, auditorium’s have stages, while gym’s have basketball courts. The event organizer was really nice and cheery, and didn’t look a day out of high school. I knew that the Relay for Life was a walk, but it never occurred to me that the majority of the “audience” would be walking, while I performed. I just assumed that no one would hire a comedian to perform for people who are walking. It’s never good to assume though – I learned this in grade school.

She initially asked me to perform at a podium, which was directly in the path of the walkers. Not wanting to be high maintenance, I asked, “Do you think that’s the best spot? Given that people will have to walk around me?” She then reconsidered, and asked me to perform center court, in the middle of the walking circle. Mmkay.

I was to follow a dance team – also not good – but I hadn’t given up. My plan was to find a way to make it work. My introduction didn’t help matters. I had been asked to email my intro a week in advance, so given the lead time, I thought they were really gonna nail it. The DJ cut off the Beyonce song and said, “Alright, this next guy is on tour with (long pause) the Beards of Comedy? He’s just coming from (long pause) the Detroit Comedy Festival? Whatever that means…Joel (long pause) Zimmer.”

Mmkay, thanks DJ. ‘Preciate you taking the time to memorize the ten word intro. Also, “whatever that means”? Really DJ? It means that I just came from the Detroit Comedy Festival, like it says.

Anywho, the problem with the intro wasn’t so much the poor delivery, but the fact that no one heard it, and thus no one was aware that comedy was about to happen. But happen it did! Unfortunately, as I walked onto the “stage” a game of beach volleyball had drifted on to center court. So I walked through a line of walkers, and into a game of volleyball.

Unfazed by the volleyball game, I said, “What’s up American!?”

There were some smattered cheers of recognition that American was indeed their University, but no one was looking at me. They were all walking and talking, understandably. I still hadn’t given up on the situation, because I have a bit about the “walk it out” song by DJ Unk, that would clearly fit this situation perfectly. But as I went into my bit about “walking it out”, a beach volleyball hit me, and a young man said, “Oh, sorry man!” Meanwhile, a game of pick up basketball had formed at the far end of the court. I never thought I would have to perform on a basketball court, while basketball was being played. I looked around for the event organizer, to see if she was going to ask the athletes to cut back, or if she might call an audible on the whole comedy thing, but she was nowhere to be found.

Now, if you ever do a “hell gig,” the main objective for the comic, is to get through the allotted time you were contracted to do – that way, no matter how bad it goes, at least you did everything in your power to do your job, and contractually get paid. Unfortunately, I had agreed in the email to 30 minutes. Thirty minutes posed a problem, given that after 45 seconds, I was out of material that might work. So I did color commentary on the volleyball (not because I thought it would dig me out of any hole, but because it was the only thing I could think to talk about, given it was what was happening, in my space). The game wasn’t so much “beach volleyball,” as a game that involved keeping a beach volleyball in the air, for as long as possible, which they had dubbed the unfortunate name of “keep it up.” I then walked around with the students interviewing them as they walked. The students talked about facebook, and what major their parents wanted them to take, and the American loss to Villanova the day before, and the fact remained that none of the students knew why I was walking around the middle of the basketball court with a microphone.

Twelve minutes into my “set”, the DJ said, “hey you wanna just play some more music?” I was like, “Sounds good to me!” So I spent the last eighteen minutes of my set, taking pictures from my cell phone.

Here I am, while people walk by me, not noticing me. In the back, you will see the volleyball game center “stage” that involves keeping a beach volleyball in the air for as long as possible.

Here I am on the far side of the stage, where a pick up game of basketball had formed.

Here is the podium where I was asked to perform, before they agreed maybe it wouldn’t be a great idea to perform where the line was passing…though in retrospect, given the volleyball, this spot would in fact have been better.

This picture was taken shortly after my set, when the DJ played “Backstreet’s Back.” Two nice young gentlemen came up to me and asked if they could borrow my microphone, to sing along. This is a picture of them, singing along to Backstreet Boys.

Here is me with two of my “fans” immediately following my “set.” By fans, I mean two girls who had no idea who I was, or why they were taking a picture with me.

Here is me, 20 minutes after my set, right before they turned out the lights for Sarah Mclachlan’s “I will remember you.” I am sad here, partly because the song is sad, and partly because I couldn’t find the event organizer to see if I was going to get paid. This song had special significance to everyone in the room who had lost a loved one, and special significance to me because I knew that I would remember American, but they would not remember me.

So I’m supposed to be ALL IMPRESSED that CAT STEVENS “knows a lot of fancy dancers”?

Why is that such a big deal? He doesn’t even say HOW he knows them. And he says it so matter-of-factly, in such a passing manner, like the rest of us will be all impressed and give him things.

Like … give him things he would like, you know? Like a fancy braidworked leather guitar strap for his acoustic modern-day poet stringed siren-song maker, and the strap has these beautiful inlaid beads and little glinty diamanelles, and even some turquoise so it looks Southwestern.

Just because Cat knows a lot of fancy dancers I’m going to buy him one of those straps? Or commission one of these babies to be made for him? That’s gotta be like 150 bucks minimum, to get one fancy enough to please Mr. Acoustic himself, Mr. “Saturday Night and I Ain’t Got Nobody!” (except for his gd FANCY DANCERS, huh?)

Which is it, Cat Man? Why “ain’t” you got nobody on a Saturday night?

Why don’t you just PHONE UP ONE OF YOUR FANCY DANCERS, huh?

What happened to THAT little brag you tried to pawn off on our unsuspecting asses?

One of your fricking fancy dancers is sure to love that glamorous new guitar strap I made for your ass, huh? Probably get you a little peace-nookie out of the deal.

You unappreciative singer-songwriter, sitting there all splayed-legged with your fancy blue matching shirt-and-pants outfit with the BOTTOM of your shirt unbuttoned enough to show off your lame-o peace-sign belt buckle.

Who unbuttons the BOTTOM of his shirt to be sexier? HellLLOOO? Can you unbutton the TOP of your shirt, Cat?

Though I have to admit, your skinnyness and your open body language draws the viewer of your photograph into your dreamy face and aura quite effectively.

THAT’S what you SHOULD have sung, instead of “I know a lot of fancy dancers” — you should have sung:

“i have a skinny bod and blue suit!

and i know, the rest of my beard is a mess …

MESS, MESS, MEH-EH-EH-EH-essssss ….”

You know how those lyrics go.

I mean that’s mean. Now I’m being unnecessarily mean to the Cat Man. Maybe I’ve been too hard on Cat this whole post.

I have to admit Cat’s face looks super-gentle and poetic here.

His face — his face has seen so much too, you know? In his life.

How can we meet some of these fancy dancers, Cat?

Suddenly I’m not mad at Cat at all. Suddenly I just love Cat.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU FOR THE MUSIC, CAT STEVENS.

Though he was bragging pretty bad about his damn fancy dancers, you have to admit.

A Beards of Comedy postcard from the NYC Beard & Mustache Championships
by TJ Young

Beards of Comedy (L to R) Dave, Andy, TJ & Joe

Beardzzz with TJ in the mix

My favorite gem of the weekend was a serious quote from one of the current World Champions in the “full beard – natural” category. “You know that smell after you fire off some black powder? (we didn’t know what that was exactly) Or fireworks? (okay, we knew that one)…that embattled smell of smoke and hundreds of years of hardship and struggle? When I win one of these competitions…(sniffs the air and leans in)…That’s exactly what I smell…for HOURS afterwards.” Well, sir…comedy is precisely that for The Beards of Comedy…except ours smells a lot like stale nachos, flat beer, and 20 years of ‘funny’ on a tattered Green Room sofa.

See you on the road!

The Beards of Comedy are: TJ Young, Dave Stone, Andy Sandford and Joe Zimmerman. For more information, clips and booking information go to www.BeardsofComedy.com