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SUMMER MOVIE AWARDS

The summer is over. Kids are going to back to school and await anxiously for lunch time and recess. Young adults go back to school and await anxiously as they know student loans will, one day, destroy their lives. And sadly, the summer movie season ends.

In all honesty, it isn’t that memorable. I don’t feel like it was a very exciting season. There were some cool movies, some really bad movies, and some sexy movies (Chris Evans, hello! I mean, um, shit, what women were in movies this summer?)

Here are my summer movie awards. All of these were voted on by a committee of myself and my collection of Ninja Turtle action figures (the large, 12-inch tall ones.)

BIGGEST SURPRISE – CAPTAIN AMERICA
Here is a movie that was just asking to be hated. I mean, it’s called Captain America. It kind of seems like an idea that Tea Partiers would come up with in between protests and destroying our country.

But director Joe Johnson and super-hunk Chris Evans delivered a really fun and exciting film. They found a great way to deal with the entire “Captain America” shtick, almost making a joke out of it. They gave it what all good superhero moves need, a heart.

Unfortunately, the screenwriters had to stick with the timeline made for “The Avengers,” so they had to get the Cap to modern times. I would have loved for there to have been more World War 2 adventures. But now, we get to see him fight along other awesome Marvel superheroes. That might be a pretty awesome trade off.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT – GREEN LANTERN
Really? The main villain will be a giant cloud? Come on!

This film has a great lesson for young filmmakers: a sense of place. It’s always good to establish your location in some way. Real locations are easiest because they come in with pre-established information and emotions. But fictional cities need some time to establish. Metropolis for Superman, Gotham for Batman, my sexpad for sexy ladies. All are giving sweeping establishing shots, scenes of its citizens, anything to make the city real.

In Green Lantern, I couldn’t tell you where the hell this city was. Apparently, it is a fictional city, but I have no idea. I didn’t feel anything for the city, its citizens, buildings, anything. Big emotional disconnect.

Also, if you’re going to make a superhero movie, don’t have him spend most of the movie pouting. Also, don’t establish a cool bad buy and then have him killed so easily and quickly. Also, more Ryan Reynolds being an awesome badass, less in-space crap.

Also, no giant cloud bad guys. Lame.

BEST COMEDY – BRIDESMAIDS
I loved this movie. One of the most-fun times I’ve had in a movie theatre.

Filmmakers often find humor in giving women vulgar things to say, thinking that is all you need for a good comedy. Luckily, everyone involved in this one knew that the vulgar had to be placed within a meaningful story and wasn’t just meant for shock and laughs.

Kristen Wiig, an actress that easily gets on my nerves on Saturday Night Live (mostly because she is overused, not because of anything with her) is perfect in this. It’s nice to see Maya Rudolph back, also. But Melissa McCarthy steals the show.

Lots of funny ladies. Lots of funny boners. I mean, sexy boners. My boners are sexy. And veiny.

BEST FILM THAT WAS SUPPOSE TO KICK MY DICK, IN A GOOD WAY, BUT ENDED UP JUST KICKING MY DICK IN WAYS THAT HURT AND LEAVE BRUISING AND MAKE ME SUPER UPSET AND MAD – TRANSFORMERS 3: DARK OF THE BLAH BLAH BLAH
I don’t want to get in into too much. This movie just pisses me off.

Again, a lame story. What the hell was going on most of the time? Why do Transformers build pillars to bring their planet to Earth? Why does it take hundreds of them? Why is only one the key? Wouldn’t there be a number that were important and keys? Why didn’t they build a backup plan just in case one broke? “Well, fakers, we broke one. No planet for us!” Why take their old planet? Why not just destroy Earth and take it.

Anyway, like I said, I don’t want to get into it…

When did Shia LeBeouf learn parkour? Why Chicago? Seriously, why the fuck did the Transformers need Chicago? It’s never explained! How come a film about fighting robots gets made without a lot of fighting robots? Why did the humans chose to jump out of the building and slide down it without a backup plan? Why did MY DICK HURTS.

HARRY POTTER IS AWESOME AWARD: HARRY POTTER: THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 2

I love these movies. We will never get a film series as well made, acted, and written than these. SNAPE 4EVA!

BEST FILM OF THE SUMMER: SUPER 8
I want to make sweet, deep love to this film and just cuddle forever afterward. From the heartbreaking first shot to the final frame, everything about this film was amazing.

JJ Abrams channels his inner-Spielberg and gives us a film that feels like the films I saw as a child. It’s my generation’s ET.

I laughed, I cried, and held in urine for longer than I could ever imagine just so I didn’t miss anything. And then I cried some more (half because of the ending, half because of the pain.)

HONORABLE MENTIONS:
Horrible Bosses – It’s nice to see Charlie Day getting some primetime play.
X-Men: First Class – A lot of fun. Nice to see the franchise get a good reboot and a great palate cleanser from the Wolverine movie.
Beginners – Indie movie Heaven. This could be my favorite film of the year.
Thor – I expected this to be terrible, but was a lot of fun and pretty damn good. Makes me more excited about “The Avengers.”