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I wanted to love Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon. I really, really did. It even starts off pretty awesome, with some revisionist history about the Apollo 11 moon landing actually a cover for searching an Autobot’s ship crash landing on the moon.

There are a few cheesy lines, mainly being a NASA scientist asking Neil Armstrong, right after Armstrong told him about the aliens and the ship, “We’re not alone, are we?” Armstrong responds, “No, we are not.” A better response would have been, “Fuck no, dude! I just told you the crazy shit I saw. We’re you not fucking listening? I’m on the fucking moon looking at fucking weird alien shit. Well, robot aliens. Fuck! I have no fucking clue what I am looking at, but yeah. Let me ask your overly-dramatic question with: fuck no, we are not alone. Hey, asshole, I’m on the fucking moon, with fucking aliens. You’re on Earth in air conditioning, surrounded by scientists with huge boners. Leave the rhetorical shit behind while I try not to shit myself.”

Michael Bay attempts to give us some sort of story or plot with the film, but it doesn’t really materialize. Based on the gagillion dollars the film made, I’m going to assume you’ve seen it. If not, then everything I say won’t make sense. But even if you saw it, it wouldn’t make much more sense.

After Transformers 2, Bay was accused of using excess as a way of hiding the lack of story or plot. So what does he do this time around? He doesn’t even try to give a story or plot. 2 was bogged down with a crazy story and crazy ideas with little or nothing tying the ideas together. This time around, Bay is like, “you know what? Screw it. Make shit blow up real good and we’ll go home rich.”

I’m a huge Bay fan and apologist. Until now. Any shit he gets for 3 is, probably, warranted. The guy is still the expert at making shit blow up and making it look really, really good. But nothing else makes sense. “Oh, we gotta get up high to shoot a rocket at a building? Let’s use the building that is already falling down!”

“Oh, Optimus Prime uses huge metal swords and rockets but can get trapped in Earth-based construction cables. Why not?”

“We need a new actress? Let’s get a model that has never acted before! Boobies!”

“Let’s have Chicago get destroyed but NEVER EXPLAIN WHY THE ROBOTS GO THERE TO BEGIN WTIH.”

“Sam Witwicky can Parkour now? Cool!”

Nothing makes sense. And it makes matters worse when 90% of the dialoge is trying to explain things. It’s just one scene doing its best to make sure the next scene makes some sort of sense.

I know, these movies shouldn’t be about story, but about robots blowing shit up real good. Well, they do blow shit up real good. The action scenes are awesome. The windsurfer sequences are amazing to see and about the only reason to really see this movie in 3D (otherwise, the 3D really doesn’t bring anything to the movie.) But it’s hard to really, really care when nothing makes sense. Like the last hour of Transformers 2. There are some amazing action set pieces there, but I have no clue why they are happening and so, I do not care.

Nothing makes sense, really, and that is why this film fails. I say you should go see it with some friends and have some beers. It’s worth seeing just to see some awesome action. But maybe wait until it is in a dollar theater. Or if you want to see it quicker, don’t by the 3D premium.

Like I said, I wanted to love this movie. I wanted to say “Haha! Bay, haters! Suck that exploding dick that just went in your butt and our your head!” But I cannot. Bay needs someone to rope him down and more importantly, read his scripts.

Here is a sample page from Transformers 3.


Shit blows up.

SAM WITWICKY – Why is shit blowing up?

RANDOM PERSON – So we have to go up this building!

SAM – Oh, okay!

RANDOM PERSON 2 – Once we get in that building, we can save the world!


Shit blows up in the building.

SAM – This building was a bad choice!

RANDOM PERSON – I know! We needed to get higher to save the world!

SAM – Oh no, the building is falling down!

RANDOM PERSON – The building is falling down because of Decepticons!

RANDOM PERSON 2 – Decepticons are bad guys!

SAM – If we let the Decepticons win, we lose!

RANDOM PERSON – Losing is bad!

So, yeah. How can I get that job? That asshole writer is rich.