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Movie Review: “Sucker Punch”

Here’s what happened.

Zack Snyder went into a pitch meeting wearing a huge smile across his face and probably something super trendy from the Gap or some shit like that. He sat across from studio execs, men and women begging for a hit film, begging for money, begging for something that’ll help them not lose their jobs.

“You remember my film 300?” Snyder asked.

“Oh, yes! That was a huge success!” said one exec.

“Now, replace the dudes in that with scantily clad hot chicks. Now give me millions.”

The execs looked at each other, each one sporting a huge erection. Even the one woman exec (which made this otherwise monumental occasion awkward.)

As Snyder walks away, one of the execs says, “Wait! Hold on, what’s the story?”

Snyder continues walking out the door.

Why did he keep walking? BECAUSE THERE IS NO FUCKING STORY. HOW THE HELL DID THIS MOVIE GET MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS (according to Box Office Mojo, $82 million.)

Sucker Punch is basically a video game that isn’t fun to play and a music video that isn’t fun to watch. It’s apparently about empowering women, but the funny thing is, all the empowering is done in dreams, never in real life. Great message! “Hey, little girls. You can totally be independent and dominate the world, but only in your dreams. And sometimes a dream within a dream. Now go get a short skirt on and flash that cooter all over the place.”

It’s a bad sign when I have to go to IMDB to look at characters’ names, which I definitely need to do. But this movie doesn’t deserve it. So here is a rough plot outline.

White-haired girl’s mom dies, she tries to kill her stepdad but kills her sister (mind you, the sister was sitting on the floor and White-haired girl shot a lightbulb on the ceiling and the sister got shot in the back of the head and FUCK PHYSICS WE GOT A PLOT TO GET TO!). So her stepdad sends her to a mental hospital so he can get dead mom’s¬†inheritance.

The mental hospital is ran by a crooked dude I refer to as… crooked dude. Fuck it, I don’t care. Crooked dude is a dick. Moving on…

I don’t know. From there, the mental hospital turns into some sort of old timey speakeasy where the crazy girls dance for rich men. And white-haired chick is forced to dance and when she does for the first time, she suddenly teleports to a place where she meets an old dude who is the poor man’s David Carradine. She gives him super cheesy advice that is suppose to be empowering women, then givers her a sword and a gun and a list of shit she’ll need to escape the hospital. After that, three huge CGI ninja things show up and they fight. She gets kicked through a building and through pillars, hits the ground and slides across it, tearing up the floor. She simply shrugs and gets up.

Also, she’s in a skirt and a short shirt. Empowering women and boners, I guess.

Anywho, she kills them and teleports back to the hospital where everyone tells her she is a fantastic dancer. Whatever.

She has five days to escape before she gets a lobotomy. So she enlists some other girls from the hospital to help her get out. From there, they go on a journey to get these items. How do they get them? White-haired girl dances and suddenly they are all transported to fantasy lands where they fight random shit, from zombie nazis to dragons to robots to my anger. Each one dressed super sexy, flashing vaginas and cleavage everywhere.

That’s all you really need to know. Does that make sense? No. No it fucking doesn’t. Nothing in this movie does. The movie looks pretty, I guess that’s good. The action scenes are cool at first until they just turn into the same thing over and over and over again. I really do not understand how this movie got made. I hate saying that because I think Snyder is a great filmmaker with a tremendous style, but someone needs to reel him in a bit. Christopher Nolan, I’m looking at you. Don’t let him mess up Superman.

I read a bunch of good and bad reviews of this film before going in. I was prepared for a movie that might be bad, but still be fun. Something like Michael Bay would make. I was also prepared to watch it and go home and fiercely masturbate to images of the women in this film. But no. That I could not do. I was too enraged about how terrible this film was. I couldn’t do anything when I got home. Absolutely nothing.

So if Sucker Punch did anything well, it kept me from having to buy more socks. Thanks, assholes.