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Remember your first kiss? How great that was? Well that kiss is stupid compared to tonight’s episode of LOST.

Last night’s episode was all about Richard, the sexy island mystery man who never ages. But why? Well we f’n found out.

Richard was a sexy Spanish farmer in the late 1800s. He was married to a smokin’ hot woman who, unfortunately, was dying. In order to save her, he went to the doctor, who was a complete dildo. He wasn’t going to sell Richard the medicine his wife needed. So things came to push and shove and Richard shoved the doctor, who hit his head on a table and died. Richard raced home, but his wife was dead. Bummer! Then he was arrested. Double bummer!

He was to be hung for his crimes. Even his priest did not absolve him of his sins. But, the priest found out he spoke English, so he was able to sell him into slavery. I guess that priest graduated from the school of Douchebag Priests (a fake school but a real lame joke).

On the trip to the New World (America THE GREATEST COUNTRY EVER for you uneducated folks or French) the ship got caught in a tidal wave, crashed into the huge island statue, and landed in the middle of LOST town. Soon, the captain was going around, killing the slaves. He got to Richard, then… smokey showed up and murdered everyone but Richard.

Richard then was approached by his dead wife. He told her to run from the smoke monster, but she was caught. Then the MIB (now in Locke’s body) showed up and blamed it all on Jacob. He’s a liar! He told Richard he’d get his wife back if he killed Jacob. That sounds easy enough! But it wasn’t. Jacob is a badass who beat up Richard then gave him a WWE style baptism in the ocean.

Jacob asks Richard to be his helper, his wingman. Richard wants his wife back. Jacob says he can’t do that. He wants his sins absolved. Jacob can’t do that either. Well then he never wants to die. Jacob can do that! We have an answer to a question we’ve been wanting to know for years! LOST is finally answering questions! THANK YOU, JESUS!

At the end, we see that Richard wants to go back to the MIB and work with him, but something stops him: Hurley. Hurley is awesome and I’m so glad to see that he is becoming a major player on the show and not just the comic relief. Richard’s wife came to Hurley to tell Richard not to give up, but to fight MIB. Richard agrees.

AH F’N SNAP WE GOT OURSELVES A SWEET ASS EPISODE! Now, if they all stay at this level, I’m pretty sure I’m going to start crapping myself all the time. And you might think that’s gross. But if it is, what do you call love? I rest my case.