ACADEMY AWARDS INSIDER
By Mark Potts
It’s that time of year again: the battle of good, deserving films versus those that, by some grace of God, are nominated (I’m looking at you, The Blind Side). What film will win? What actor will give a moving speech? What actress will dress in something that shows awesome nipple (I’m looking at you, Precious actress)? I don’t know, but let’s break down the major nominations and see what we have.
Not a major category, per se, but I have something to say. It’s Avatar vs. District 9 vs. Star Trek and if the world were a fair place (it isn’t) District 9 would win. For very little money, Neil Blomkamp (which sounds way too much like blumpkin to not make me giggle) and his crew were able to create life-like and realistic looking aliens. Meanwhile, James Cameron made an awesome looking film about blue cats fighting but could afford it by constantly pressing money on his at home money-pressing machine.
Up has to win. I know, I know, Fantastic Mr. Fox was awesome, incredibly old school, and had a great soundtrack, but that film didn’t make me cry five times and cuddle with my fiancé for hours on end begging her “to never grow old, never grow old.” That film fucked me… Up. Get it? PUN!
Actress in a Supporting Role
Vera Farmiga from Up in the Air would be a good choice, but she used a butt double for her nude scene, so she’s out. Besides, Mo’Nique will win this no matter what. Can you imagine what the plate makers for the Oscar statues must be thinking when they print her name? I’m not saying her name is stupid, but it’s stupid.
Actor in a Supporting Role
Christoph Waltz will win because he played a nut job well. Plus, he’s won almost every other supporting role this season. Woody Harrelson would probably give the coolest acceptance speech because he’ll be stoned out of his mind.
Actress in a Leading Role
Sandra Bullock, really? Don’t get me wrong, she is good in The Blind Side, but The Blind Side, really? No. Helen Mirren would be a good choice because she’s the definition of cougar if there ever was one. But I want Meryl Streep to win because she wins everything and she also seems high all the time, so her speeches are always entertaining.
Actor in a Leading Role
As I’ve stated before, I look like George Clooney, so I’m hoping he wins because it would probably help me out in some way. But if I were a betting man, I’d go with Jeff Bridges. His performance was phenomenal. So was Jeremy Renner’s, who, when told on the Today Show of his nomination, seemed genuinely surprised and honored. You don’t see that in Hollywood much these days.
Oh boy, there are 10 this year! How exciting. This was obviously not a ploy to get more people to watch the telecast, was it? No…
I’m glad Up was thrown into this category but it has no chance. The Academy doesn’t like to bestow awards on comedies or animated films. That is why Bill Murray has yet to win one which is a damn shame. So we are left with three front runners: Up in the Air, Avatar, and The Hurt Locker.
Up in the Air was a great film. It had something for everyone and George Clooney was amazing in it. He looks like me too, did I mention that? But it doesn’t have the buzz anymore.
The folks behind Avatar like to say they deserve it because of their positive reviews and record-breaking box office. But they forget to mention they are barely in the top 25 films when it comes to ticket sales and the fact that the film was a kitty cat version of Dances with Wolves. It was a great film, but not the best. That award will probably be given to The Hurt Locker. Which is fine. It’s a small indie movie that deserved more butts in the theatre seats. But, if I had my way, it’d go to District 9.
So, that’s it. Get excited! Start an Oscar party! Take a shot every time someone makes a joke about Jews and old people! You’ll be out in 30 minutes, I guarantee it.