by Comedian Jason Downs

In recent years few comics have been as prolific and successful as Kathy
Griffin. She has recorded eight specials in the last four years, a
record pace even by Carlin and Cosby standards. In Kathy Griffin’s
latest DVD release, “She’ll Cut a Bitch,” the self proclaimed D-Lister
performs her trademark mix of celebrity trash talk and embellished
anecdotes to a crowd of frenzied fans at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall in Portland, Oregon.

The constant turnover of material keeps Griffin’s act fresh, but it’s
not without its drawbacks. Some of her stories lack polish and teeter
off towards the end, but her casual conversation performance style
draws you in like an old friend sharing stories over one too many
glasses of boxed wine. Whether she’s sharing stories about her mother
Maggie, her experience at last year’s Emmy’s, or what it was like to
spend her birthday with Cher, you feel like you know her by the end of
the performance, and there’s a satisfaction in that that you can’t get
from a reality show.

The Bravo channel reruns marathons of Griffin’s stand-up comedy
specials, so why buy the DVD? The extras make it worth it. We are not
talking deleted scenes as much as deleted words. With the purchase of
the DVD you get every f word, b word, and mother effer that flies out of
her mouth. Every foul word that we love and censors hate.

After all, it’s Griffin’s mouth that got her the hosting gig for CNN‘s
2010 New Year Celebration, and it ensured she will never get that job
again. But lucky for us, it is her mouth that will tell us all about
the behind the scenes gossip on her next yet to be written, yet to be
performed, stand-up comedy special. Before being quick to judge, know
that every curse word comes from place of honesty. Sometimes nothing
sums up a feeling, a situation, or an eighth stand up special in a few
short years more than an F Bomb.

Despite a few flaws, “She’ll Cut a Bitch” still delivers 60 minutes of hilarious pop culture commentary. A must have for Kathy Griffin lovers and fans of celebrity-based comedy.

“She’ll Cut a Bitch” is available on Amazon.

Posted: January 29th, 2010 under DVD Reviews.
Comments: 33

By Chris Thayer

Whether he’s talking about the 13 state medical marijuana tour with Doug Benson, entertaining the military in Afghanistan and Iraq or punishing mic stands with his karate skill as a 2nd degree yellow belt, comedian Graham Elwood is a comedy storm. A storm that rages in
“The Comedian’s Got a Boo Boo,” his brand spanking new debut comedy album produced by Rooftop Comedy Productions. Graham was kind enough to give Rooftop a few minutes of his time before a recent show at SF Sketchfest.

There’s a lot of onomatopoeia on the album. I heard “BOOM”, “BA-BANG BOOM”, “BOOM-SHAKA-LAKA” and “BING-BANG ON THE PIPE” to name a few. Are you a fan of the original Batman TV series? Is that where the influence for that have come from?

[sarcastically] Yes, absolutely! [laughs] Also, comic books in general and Mad magazine with their “thwack” and “thup-a-thu-bump”.

There is some physical comedy on the album (Track 3 “Yellow Belt”). Was this a conscious marketing tool to get people to come see it live, to behold the “Palm “Strike” in person?

[laughs] I’d people to come see me live, but really, I’m a high-energy physical act. That’s why my first project was a DVD (“Live from Afghanistan”), but I made a conscious effort–those sets, that weekend–to do more of my written stuff.

Where have you lived throughout your career as a comic?

I started when I was a student at the University of Arizona in Tucson, Arizona. I did the Dorito’s/Sticklets Gum Comedy Competition that was MC’ed by Judd Apatow. He had a mullet and acid-washed jeans and I have that on tape. I can verify that. Tucson, Chicago, and L.A.

What effect do you think each of these cities had on your comedy and your career?

I think Tucson had an effect in that…I started doing stand-up in Tucson at Laff’s Comedy Club and just going to open mics. Then I joined a college comedy group that’s still in business today called Comedy Corner which is every Friday at Noon in the Student Union Cellar at the University of Arizona Student Union. Folks, check it out! That was cool because it was an hour sketch show that we would write and I met a lot of funny comics. That was great because that’s what first got me into writing sketch and stand-up in college. We would do an hour of live show every week. That just sort of “lit the fuse”, so to speak, in Tucson.

Chicago is amazing. It’s where I became a professional, because when I moved there, there were about fourteen full-time clubs in the Chicago area. There’s always been strong comedy that has come out of Chicago, and when I was there in the early 90’s, it was really solid. There were a lot of clubs, and within a 6-hour drive you could basically work every weekend. That’s just how you got better. That and I took some Second City classes, but really by being a road comic based out of Chicago. And the comics there, there was such a pool of talent. Paul Gilmartin, that’s where I met Jimmy Pardo, Jimmy Dore, Mike Schmidt, Mike Siegel, Mike Toomey, Bill Leff, they were all there working and, as is the case with anything, when the level of talent is that high, it just makes you better. That really influenced me, and Chicago is a sarcastic ball-busting city. It’s a tough town, the weather’s tough, everybody’s blue collar, and everybody busts your balls. If you can bust balls back, you get respect.

You said this was early 90’s. Was this at the end of the comedy boom or after the boom?

I started doing comedy at the end of the boom, so as I started progressing, clubs were closing and being tougher and tougher, so then you really had to be funny. If you worked a week at a club from Wednesday to Sunday, and if Wednesday you had a bad show, you might be fired by Thursday. So, you had to be funny.

Did that affect your decision to leave Chicago?

Well, I always knew I wanted to get into film and TV, so I knew I would end up in Los Angeles. Chicago was great, but working the road I just knew that there was a kind of ceiling…at that time. Now, this was pre-YouTube, and Facebook and all that stuff, so the road was a little more limited back then.

And what effect did LA have on your career and your comedy?

Well, LA is such a different animal on your comedy because stage time is so hard to come by—It’s not like New York where you can get onstage 3 times a week. Living in Chicago, I was on the road doing 6 shows a week, and then LA you’re doing one a week and it’s a ten minute set, not a half hour or 45 minutes. But again, you just have to learn how to be funnier in shorter sets. LA influenced me for TV, you know, learning to do a 5-minute set for late-night TV. Also, you meet a lot of people who are wannabes there, but there are a large portion of the people there who are really good. Being in a place where everyone is creative and everyone is really working on stuff—that to me was the best thing in the world. Even in Chicago—if you’re a stand-up—you’re an outsider kind of, because it’s not a real profession in the eyes of many people.

Does that also have something to do with the fact that Chicago is more of an improv city?

Well, yeah. At least when I was there, there was definitely a rift. The improv people thought that all stand-ups were banjo-playing hacks and all stand-ups thought improv people were…you know, backrub-giving. I don’t know what it’s like now, but that’s what it’s like when I was there. In LA, you can do whatever you want. I think LA has had mostly positive effects. Most of my good friends are comics who I have met in LA. To me, the comedy scene in LA, especially the alternative scene, is like a community. It’s like a bunch of friends hanging out. To start in LA though is a difficult thing. I don’t know how people do it. Starting in LA, I think it’s easy to develop a lot of bad habits.

Like what?

Playing to the back of the room. Or these “bringer” shows where you’re just trying to make your buddies laugh and doing inside jokes. Or doing too many showbiz inside-jokes. Like “I auditioned for this thing…”, “The casting director said this”-kind of jokes, literally the nuts and bolts of being in Hollywood. And then, when you go on the road as an MC or a middle act and you’re dicking around, taking up too much time or whatever, the club owner comes up to you and says, “If you go long again, you’re fired”. LA…the MC’s in LA are the worst, the ones who started there. They talk forever, they do 10, 15 minutes between acts, and they don’t know what they’re doing. Even the alternative people who start in LA are just doing a version of their favorite…Louis C.K. or Paul F. Tompkins. I think you have to start somewhere else and figure out who you are onstage and then come there. But there are plenty of examples where I’m wrong—people who did start there and were funny. But again, what really solidified them was when they went on the road, because you have to perform in front of different audiences in different cities and see what jokes work where. That’s the only way to truly become a comic.

What percentage of stand-up comics do you think are actually banjo-playing hacks?

The thing that has been really great about being on the road, heavy, for the last two years is that the number of wacky variety acts that were out there in the early 90’s aren’t out there. They’re gone. I think audiences in general have gotten more savvy and I think the internet has contributed to that.

What negative effects do you think the internet has had on comedy?

You could make the argument—I notice this as someone who directed short films and took ‘em to festivals—because of technology now, the great thing is anyone can make a movie. The bad thing is anyone can make a movie, so there’s a lot of bad stuff being made. But, that’s always the case. The percentage of people who are actually good is gonna be 10 percent at the most. But, I don’t think there has been that much downside. Honestly, the internet has kind of revitalized the art form of live stand-up because people now will call up the club to find out who’s there and look up video clips to see if you’re their cup of tea.

How long was your time performing for troops in Afghanistan?

I’ve gone there three times, I’ve been to Iraq twice. Each time it has been about 10 to 12 days.

What’s the most grueling part of performing out there?

The time change. Always being tired. Also, it’s physically and mentally grueling. You’re wearing a 40-pound piece of body armor and lugging your own gear on and off of helicopters going from base to base to base. The last time I was in Iraq was in October of ’08 and we were doing 3 shows a day. I was literally falling asleep on a Blackhawk helicopter. That’s when you know you’re tired, but the shows are the best. Going to some small firebase in the middle of nowhere and doing a show in front of–I did a 15 minute show in front of 12 marines. There were 3 comics and we all did 5 minutes each. It’s shows like that–a lot of these soldiers are in their early 20′s so, so when they thank you, it’s especially humbling. That’s the best part.

Graham Elwood’s album ” The Comedian’s Got a Boo Boo” is now available on RooftopComedy.com and for download on iTunes. You can also check out his site ComedyFilmNerds.com and the Comedy Film Nerds podcast on iTunes.

Posted: January 26th, 2010 under Interview.
Comments: 3

By Mark Potts

Gamer
I don’t know whether to feel sorry for Gerard Butler or tip my hat to him. He’s been around for a while, partaking in smaller roles. He had a big break as the bad guy in Tomb Raider II: Boobies, Boobies, Action Boobies then a bigger break in The Phantom of the Opera, where he played the emo dude whose face was all messed up and was angry and stuff. But then, 300 was released and boom! Butler and his 50 abs were everywhere. He was the next big thing!
Then… well, not so much. He’s starred in a lot of crap. So I feel bad for him because he seems like a cool guy. But I also tip my hat because he’s been getting paid really well for said crap. It’s not everyone’s dream to win an Oscar, and that’s fine. I guess. Oh, by the way, Gamer falls nicely into the crap pile. But it’s more like light-crap and not the heavy, stinky runny kind like his film before this one, The Ugly Truth.

Whiteout
There is a fantastic scene in Whiteout where star Kate Beckinsale takes a shower. And I don’t mean fantastic like “OMG I like her lumpy parts!” No, I mean fantastic like, “you have to be kidding me.”
From an aroused boy’s point-of-view, it is awesome. But from a logical point of view, it is just so pointless and dumb it’s hilarious. The film is supposed to be scary and tense. Action is building, clues are piling, and questions are forming. Then, comes this scene. It’s about three minutes long and it’s just Beckinsale taking off her clothes slowly (with close, sexy shots), then getting in the shower. Now, the shower is incredibly hot, so there is steam everywhere. In the real world, she’d be screaming from the pain of her skin melting away. But in Hollywood, oh, it’s just sexy.
So I say get this DVD and just watch this scene a bunch. Or find it on the internet. Otherwise, I’d skip it.

Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins’ Ball
I refuse to watch this film. I’m one of the few people I know that actually like Smokin’ Aces and yeah, I am okay with the heavy-handed ending. Not to mention Ryan Reynolds is dreamy. But I digress.
Smokin’ Aces did not need another film. The first one didn’t even get received that well by critics or audiences. So what’s the point of this one? I don’t see the point at all and that’s why I hate it already. And for those who are saying I am wrong for judging something before watching it, I say to you… nothing. You’re right. But I have principles!

DVD OF THE WEEK- 60 Minutes – The Secret Language of Elephants Everyone, elephants can talk. Did you know this? DID YOU KNOW THIS? This is a game-changer people. Soon enough, these huge animals will come together and attack. You know they will. And we can’t stop them. Elephants are crazy. Store up nuts because that’ll be the currency within five years. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

Posted: January 22nd, 2010 under Ruminations, theorizations and stuff.
Comments: 5

The South Beach Comedy Festival is one of the premiere entertainment events in the country. Now in its fifth Year, the SBCF features an extensive variety of acts from the top performers in the world to up and coming and new, emerging stars.

Rooftop Comedy Institute graduate Will Hatcher recently took top prize at the fest, so we asked him a few questions about his experience there.

Congrats on winning the South Beach Comedy Festival! How was it?
I sort of won… it was a tie! Gene Harding and I had the same number of votes, so were co-champs. It’s all good though, he’s a cool dude so I’m happy to share the title with him. Plus, it was a great experience. I got to meet a lot of talented comics. I was on TV a couple nights a week in South Florida, so that’s always nice.

You’re based in San Francisco now, but you’re originally from Miami. How did it feel to perform in front of your home town crowd?
It was great. I don’t think they knew what to expect. I definitely caught them off guard. I haven’t performed in Miami since July. It was a great homecoming and the response I received was amazing.

It was such a close competition. How’d you edge out the other comics?
Aw, man if I didn’t do the Rooftop Talent Institute I wouldn’t be here. I learned so much during my month in the program. I really grew a lot as a comedian in a short period of time. I can’t say enough good things about Rooftop Comedy and their staff. I also have to give a special thanks to Chris Garcia and Kamau Bell for the advice they gave me on how to improve my craft.

How do you think this big co-victory will help your career?
#1 I found out that “cougars” love me now! That’s important because sometimes rich, horny old ladies call the shots in the comedy game. #2 It allows me to develop a relationship with Comedy Central. Hopefully my half hour special will be coming soon.

What’s next for Will Hatcher?
A lot, man. I’m shooting my stand-up comedy DVD in February. My comedy rap group’s “Abraham Linkin” 1st mixtape comes out at the end of February. And I have a couple movies I’m working on. I’m just trying to stay busy and leave my mark in the comedy world. So I guess just stay tuned, hopefully I’ll surprise some people.

Posted: January 20th, 2010 under Interview, Ruminations, theorizations and stuff.
Comments: 3

Punchline Magazine’s John Delery wrote an amazing review of “How to Get High Without Drugs,” the new album by Cincinnati based comic Ryan Singer.

Here’s a snippet from John’s review:

“Although less incendiary than the explosive Lenny Bruce and more homespun than the irascible Bill Hicks, Ryan Singer nonetheless shares DNA with those great comic commandos, each of whom shot from the lip with howitzers. ”

“On How to Get High Without Drugs (Rooftop Comedy Productions), Singer seemingly lobs softballs instead of hand grenades when deftly and cleverly deriding hypocrites, homophobes and bigots. But just because he camouflages his contempt in sarcasm does not make him any less of a prickly provocateur than his predecessors.”

Read more.

Listen to “How to Get High Without Drugs” on iTunes.

Posted: January 20th, 2010 under Ruminations, theorizations and stuff.
Comments: 2

Pollstar magazine has ranked stand-up comedy phenomenon Jeff
Dunham the #1 and highest-grossing comedian on the road in 2009 in its
just-released Top 50 Tours of North America, securing the rank for two years
running. With a reported ticket sales of $34.6 million, he more than doubled
his top touring comic 2008 gross of $19.2 million.

Dunham also had a banner year in international touring during 2009 with his
first ever tours of Europe and Australia to packed houses in as well as his
debut coast-to-coast Canadian tour. He returns to Europe this coming April
to perform in Amsterdam, Dublin, and five cities in the U.K, capping this
second run with an appearance at London’s world renowned O2 Arena. Jeff also
recently signed with Caesars Palace and AEG Live to appear at the popular
Las Vegas casino and resort hotel’s Colesseum venue in an exclusive deal for
at least six shows through December 2010.

His consecutive two-year leading tour stature confirms Time magazine’s
assessment that Dunham is “perhaps the most popular stand-up comedian in the
U.S.” And the Los Angeles Times adds, “in the last few years, Jeff Dunham
has become something akin to a rock star. The 47-year-old entertainer
routinely sells out concert halls and arenas at home and abroad, travels in
a decked out touring bus…”

The top live performance ranking continues a string of record setting
triumphs by Dunham over the last year. His late 2008 Comedy Central special,
A Very Special Christmas Special, was the most-watched special ever on the
channel. His TV series “The Jeff Dunham Show” also set a Comedy Central
record as its most watched premiere ever in October and was also the
most-watched cable show on prime time TV that evening. Sales of the three
DVDs of his specials also recently surpassed five million copies, earning
him 50 times platinum status and soaring far beyond average stand-up comedy
DVD single-title sales of 25,000.

Last year Dunham also scored major feature media coverage in The New York
Times Magazine, The Los Angeles Times and Slate which hailed Dunham as
“America’s favorite comedian” in addition to the story in Time, and he was
also named to Forbes magazine’s Celebrity 100 list of most powerful
entertainers. In 2010 he will be doing his fourth special for Comedy Central
and publishing his first book, “All By My Selves: Walter, Peanut, Achmed,
and Me.”

Posted: January 19th, 2010 under News'n'stuff.
Comments: 343

By Sean Keane

David Owen, Cole Stratton and Janet Varney co-founded the San Francisco Sketchfest in back 2001. Since then, the festival has grown into one of the premier showcases of cutting edge comedy in the United States.

San Francisco based stand up comedian Sean Keane recently had the opportunity to ask SF Sketchfest creators some questions about the origins of the festival, their selection process, and if there are any plans to add Jay Leno to the bill this year.

The first SF Sketchfest began in 2001 at the Shelton Theatre. How long did it take to become the huge mega-event it is today?

Cole Stratton: By my questionable math, we’re on our ninth year now, so nine years. Though we took huge strides every year to make it happen–in year two, we moved from the 70 seat Shelton to the 200 seat Eureka Theater, opened the fest up to submissions from outside groups, and somehow convinced Fred Willard and the Upright Citizens Brigade to come and take a chance on a new festival. Every year, we added more headliners, more emerging groups, more venues, more shows, all the while doing it independent of major corporate funding. We branched out from just sketch to involve improv, stand-up, panels, tributes, music and alternative comedy. The headliners had a great time and told their friends, and we started to get a great reputation in the comedy community, and it all snowballed from there.”

Sketchfest seems to be producing an increasing number of shows outside of the actual festival. Are there plans to continue expanding the reach of Sketchfest past January and February?

David Owen: Our focus remains on the January festival, but other events do pop up from time to time during other months, such as the Icelandic Pumpkin Garlic Film, Dance and Electronic Music Octoberfest we plan to do in July.

There’s a lot of sketch acts and comedians from both New York and LA. Are you worried that an East Coast-West Coast feud might develop?

Janet Varney: Yes, we recognize that this is a very real threat. Comedians are a violent, courageous breed. But we’ve taken steps: this is the first year performers won’t be allowed to keep any props in their laps for the last hour of the flight- oh- I mean show, in order to prevent them from setting their underwear on fire. We also didn’t accept any groups this year with the words “Jets” or “Sharks” in their names.

What do you look for when choosing new Sketchfest standups? Does it simply come down to funniness, or is the focus more on alternative and character comedy?

Cole Stratton: Mostly we look for height–the taller the comedian, the better chance we have of booking them. Oh, and if they can comedically point out the differences of men and women, and say “Folks…” and “So what else is going on?” a lot. Actually, the main criteria is if it appeals to our comedic sensibilities–it’s never been about what will sell, but what we think is funny. We also love stand-ups that take chances and do things a little differently, like the Brent Weinbachs and Will Frankens of the world.

What’s your favorite local comedy venue?

David Owen: That’s like asking Sophie to choose which child will die. We like all the local comedy venues. Especially the ones that have SF Sketchfest shows in them.

Besides Iron Comic & The Business, what shows are you most excited to see this year?

Janet Varney: There’s a group from Pajama Rock, Michigan called Peanut Feet that only does sketches about woodworking. It’s exciting to feel like you have something to do with bringing the next big woodworking-based sketch group to the masses. Other than that, we’re just generally amazed at the caliber of talent coming to SF this year, from the new groups who are just getting started, to legends like Dick Cavett and everyone in between.

Have you considered getting a mascot for Sketchfest, like the Chronicle’s Little Man, or perhaps just Paul F. Tompkins?

Cole Strattion: Funny you should mention Tompkins–we have a festival poster that we have all of the performers sign as a keepsake, and last year, above the festival title, Paul signed it with an apostrophe, so it reads “Paul F. Tompkins’ 8th Annual SF Sketchfest.” We don’t really have a San Diego Chicken or anything, though it would be great anti-comedy to try to get Jimmy Pardo to wear a mascot suit for Sketchy, the SF Sketchfest Swashbuckling Sketch-e-teer or something. We sort of do have mascots in the three blue laughy guys that have been part of our logo and festival designs since year one (of the festival, not the Jack Black/Michael Cera movie).

Do you have a wish list for performers that have not yet done Sketchfest before?

David Owen: No, but we keep a list of people we wish would not do it. But like all wishes, if you say them out loud, they won’t come true.

One of the marquee events at this year’s Sketchfest is the conversation with Tribute Award winner Conan O’Brien, on January 17th at the Herbst Theater. How did you land Conan, and has Jay Leno tried to convince you to give him the Award instead?

Janet Varney: When we created the SF Sketchfest Tribute, Conan truly was one of the very first people we knew we wanted to present it to. We’ve been writing him letters nearly every year, but his schedule never permitted until this year. It also might have something to do with the fact that every day for the last 473 days, we’ve been sending him 8 dozen boxes of jordan almonds. He may not even like jordan almonds. It’s possible he agreed simply to get us to stop.

For more information, including festival line up and ticket sales, please visit www.sfsketchfest.com

Posted: January 15th, 2010 under Interview.
Comments: 1

by Mark Potts

PICK OF THE WEEK: Last Action Hero (Blu-Ray)
Films this good rarely come along. And by “this good,” I mean “this bad.” This is a terrible, terrible film but my God, do I love it. It’s like the filmmakers knew it was bad, so they decided to make the film a satire about bad films, by making it a bad film.
Wait, maybe there is more to this film than we’ve ever known. Could this be the smartest film ever made? Scholars, get to work!

Moon
Duncan Jones, the director of this film, is David Bowie’s son. Do you realize what this means? This film could have been the best ever made had he casted his father in the lead role and made everyone on set take a bunch of ecstasy and let the camera role. The film could have been about Ziggy Stardust going to fight the spiders from Mars and the soundtrack would have only been David Bowie music. But no. Hey Hollywood! Check out these film ideas. Call me.
But, if you can ignore the lack of that awesome plot that I just outlined, then Moon is pretty awesome. Sam Rockwell is one of the most underrated actors and deserves more roles and recognition. While I don’t like the ending of this film, I loved it up until its final minutes.

ER – The Complete 12th Season
No George Clooney? No point. Moving on.

Post-Grad
Remember that movie starting Alexis Blebel of “Gilmore Girls” and its about her graduating college and having to move back home to find a job and going through all sorts of problems with family and love and job stuff? No? That’s okay, no one does.

The Hurt Locker
I was told this was a great film, but I don’t buy it. It follows an Explosive Ordnance Disposal (EOD) unit as they disarm bombs in Iraq, which sounds cool and all, but where are the big movie stars in this film? Was Nicolas Cage too busy? Where is the dramatic love story between an Iraqi woman, torn between her family, homeland and personal dreams and the American soldier, who just wants to get home, yet doesn’t know how he can get his love to America? (Hint: large suitcase.)

That story is nowhere. Instead, this is one of those “character studies” where you actually have to listen and pay attention to stuff. If that sounds like something you’d like to watch, then by all means, do it. In the meantime, I’m going to go watch Youtube videos of people getting hit in the crotch. There’s art in that.

Posted: January 14th, 2010 under Reviews, Ruminations, theorizations and stuff.
Comments: 3

The latest installment of Siskel & Negro, featuring “Chelsea Lately’s” Natasha Leggero, a new installment of Denzel news, and a talk about Poprah.

Subscribe to the Siskel & Negro Podcast on iTunes.

Posted: January 13th, 2010 under Cool stuff from Rooftop Comedy.
Comments: 1

The NFL kicked off its post-season this week with the wild-card round of playoffs.  They’ve resisted my repeated suggestions to partner with Hasbro and make this the Uno!-themed Draw Four Wild Card Round.  Imagine the excitement!  Announcers already incorrectly refer to most end-around plays as “reverses,” which is a great sponsorship opportunity.  Players with jersey numbers containing a 6 or a 9 will have them underlined to avoid confusion, just like with the playing cards.  Any rapid-fire passing sequence will be known as an “Uno Attack.”  For Spanish-language broadcasts, they can just call it “One.”  Saca dos, amigos!

Even without the deal, the Arizona Cardinals followed the spirit of the card game.  They played a “Skip” card nearly every second down, facing only five third downs the entire game.  And Arizona was forced to play overtime after Neil Rackers forgot to say “Tres” before his potential game-winning chip shot field goal.  Rackers’ uniform number is, of course, Uno.

New York Jets 24, Cincinnati 14

Last week, the Jets blew out the Bengals in New Jersey, though the Bengals had nothing to play for, other than the chance to eliminate the Jets from the playoffs.  In a manner reminiscent of the 2007 Dallas Mavericks versus the Warriors, or the Earl of Gloucester in King Lear, the Bengals rolled over, and for their trouble, received a severe eye-gouging.  Rookies Mark Sanchez and Shonn Greene, along with second-year Dusitn Keller, made the Bengals look old and slow, and in the wake of “Jersey Shore,” gave the nation new hope regarding young people who work in New Jersey.

In Week 17, Carson Palmer completed only one of his eleven passes, for a total of zero yards.  In the playoff game against the Jets, he may have been worse.  He completed 18 of his 36 passes, but even the completions were high, or behind his receivers – it’s no coincidence that two of his three primary receivers were injured in the first half.  Palmer has to be thankful for kicker Shayne Graham, who shanked two different field goal attempts, and ensured that Palmer would not be the most inaccurate man on the Bengals on Saturday.  Maybe those two can go house-hunting together in the off-season.

Cedric Benson had a solid game, but aside from him, the Bengals offense was quite subdued.  They got a boost late in the game with the substitution of Quan Cosby, who had three big receptions, drew a personal foul penalty, and performed an impressive lip-sync routine to “The Night Time Is the Right Time” on the sidelines.

Dallas 34, Philadelphia 14

For a brief moment, it looked like the controversy and hassle of the Michael Vick experiment were going to pay off for the eagles.  After a year where he was barely used, making more of an impact on PETA donations than wins and losses in Philly, Vick had his moment to shine in the second quarter, connecting with Jeremy Maclin on a 76-yard catch-and-run TD.  Ten minutes and ten Dallas points later, pit bulls across America erupted in cheers as Vick fumbled a simple handoff to Leonard Weaver, leading to another Dallas TD.  Weaver managed to make Eagles fans regret another free agent signing minutes later, as he fumbled and handed Dallas another three points.  It was 27-7 and the game was effectively over.

Dallas ran for almost 200 yards, they sacked McNabb four times and hit him another nine, and even connected on both field goals.  The only thing marring this dominant performance was the presence of George W. Bush in the owners’ box.  Though Dallas owner Jerry Jones’ face is red and shiny from chemical peels, tightened and distorted from God knows how many face lifts, and while in close-ups, Jones’ face occasionally appears to be oozing Vaseline, looking at George W. Bush is far more repulsive.  After Dallas scored to make it 7-0, Bush shouted “Mission accomplished!” and attempted to rush onto the field wearing a replica Cowboys jersey.  At least there’s no chance of W sitting in the owner’s box for the championship game against New Orleans – it would be played in the Superdome, and Bush wouldn’t leave his ranch until two or three days after the game had been decided.

Baltimore 33, New England 14

I woke up minutes before the opening kickoff, and before I’d even finished peeing, Ray Rice had scored to make it 7-0.  I was still brushing my teeth when Tom Brady was strip-sacked, and I still had sleep crust in the corners of my eye when LaRon McLain ran in Baltimore second TD.  At this point, I thought about going back to bed, but reconsidered;  many of the Patriots players appear to have made the opposite decision.  No one has been humiliated as badly in Boston, or wussed out quite so hard, since Will Hunting asked that ponytailed dude if he liked apples.  Joe Flacco completed four passes, the fewest ever for a winning playoff QB, and his team still won by 20.  That may have embarrassed Bill Belichick even more than his goofy hat.

With Baltimore up 27-7, Tom Brady threw his second touchdown pass of the game to Julian Edelman.  Edelman was fired up!  He ran to the back of the end zone, holding the ball in front of him and pointing it to the cheering fans.  As they stretched their arms out, reaching for a souvenir, Edelman walked to the retaining wall, as if to hand it off, but then dropped the ball, and it bounced away from the fans.

This play combined two things we saw a lot of Sunday: an inaccurate pass, and disappointed Patriots fans.  It could have only been more emblematic of the game as a whole if Ed Reed had picked off Edelman’s toss and then lateraled it to a waiting Ravens fan, while Randy Moss stood and watched with his hands on his hips.

Arizona 51, Green Bay 45

There’s a Simpsons episode where Homer skips church to watch football, and sees the most thrilling NFL game imaginable.  (“Oh, Doctor!  A 98-yard triple-reverse ties the score at 63–63! We have seen nothing but razzle-dazzle here today, three visits from Morganna the Kissing Bandit, and the surprising return of Jim Brown!”) I would posit that Arizona-Green Bay was even more exciting than that mythical game.  The teams combined for 96 points (just barely nudging above the Over/Under) and over 1,000 yards of offense. How electrifying was this game?  Joe Buck’s voice occasionally displayed signs of emotion.

Green Bay sparked their comeback with a well-timed 3rd quarter onside kick, down fourteen, and in hindsight, they should have done that on every single kickoff, since they weren’t slowing down Arizona from anywhere on the field.  Kurt Warner threw five touchdown passes, which is one more than the number of completions logged by Joe Flacco.  If Homer’s game made him start his own religion, watching Warner may have made thousands of non-Christians think, “Maybe Jesus really does care about the outcome of sporting events.”  Aaron Rodgers proved he was a worthy successor to Brett Favre as Packers QB, both with his stellar passing (422 yards, four TD passes) and his game-killing OT fumble.  Was he like a kid out there?  Yes, Green Bay, yes he was.

The game should have ended in regulation, but Cardinals kicker Neil Rackers shanked a 34-yard field goal with seconds remaining.  Lucky for him, his family, the windows of his house, and the tires of his car, the defense bailed him out in overtime.  I like to think Lawrence Tynes called Rackers after the game, to commiserate about being bailed in OT after blowing big field goals against the Packers.  Somewhere far away, Gary Anderson sat alone in his home, drinking whiskey in the dark.  A tip for Shayne Graham, and for Rackers, if he screws up next week and has to skip town:  Scott Norwood is a licensed realtor.

Posted: January 13th, 2010 under Ruminations, theorizations and stuff.
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