Movie Review: Avatar
By Mark Potts
Avatar is not a film. Avatar is an existential crisis.
Na’vi, the alien race of the film, are tall, slender blue creatures. They gallop around the forest with ease, run up trees, fly on magical animals, and the female have breasts. Nice, round, perky breasts. I did not see one saggy breast in the fill. James Cameron, the director, said he modeled this alien tribe off African tribes.
I’ve watched Discovery Channel. I’ve seen shows about these tribes. There are saggy-breasts everywhere.
So I thought about this while watching the film. I kept checking out these alien breasts, looking for some that looked somewhat realistic. Even the old Na’vi in the film had a perky set.
But then it hit me: I’m actively searching for alien boobs.
But why? Am I wrong? Am I a pervert? Am I bi-species-curious?
Who am I?
So all the aliens have pretty hot breasts. The main female Na’vi, Neytiri, has a fantastic set. They are on the small side, but as my grandpa once said, “More than a handful is a waste.”
So for most of the film, I kept waiting to see nipple. The filmmakers really made this difficult and I resent them for this. Neytiri wear a feather necklace for most of the film that is always strategically in the way. How is this possible? How are the feathers always covering them? Even when flying through the air, the damn feathers stay put. I guess in alien worlds the laws of physics don’t apply.
But then I saw them, or so I think. It was a dark scene and Na’vi was saying something that I don’t remember because I was concentrating on her boobs. She was walking toward the camera and I swear, I saw her left nipple. Boom! Right there! I think it was. I looked around and no one else was excited.
Alone. I am an alien in this theater.
Is it wrong to just want to see some alien breasts in full view? It’s not my fault they are designed so perfectly well. That’s the blame of the perverts who made this film. Why did I get so excited about the possibility of catching a glimpse as some sweet, sweet alien milk cartons?
Then I remembered something back in second grade. I raced home and pulled out all my school notes for the last 18 years. I started throwing pages and pages of notes around the room until I found the math notes. And there it was: my drawing during math class.
I drew Neytiri when I was in second grade.
My goodness! Are we connected? Is she real? She looks real. How did I know about her so long ago? Can I look into the future? Was a second-grade psychic? Why was I so into blue alien boobs that long ago? Did an adult touch me inappropriately and I just don’t remember?
I wish, cause that would explain a lot. But alas, nothing can explain the predicament I was in while watching Avatar. There I was, feeling emotions in my pants that should be reserved for only humans, and no one else was there to understand.
So where do I go from here? I don’t know. I have a lot of soul searching to do.
By the way, the film was awesome. Seriously, check it out.
Mark Potts is a filmmaker, producer, and former Finalist in the Rooftop Comedy National College Funny Film Competition.