By Comedian Sean Keane

It was a bad week to be an underdog in the NFL. Last week, the Raiders were 14-point underdogs at home, and pulled a huge upset. This week, the Raiders lost by 38 at home.  Favorites brought down the hammer, only three underdogs covered, thousands of multi-team parlays paid off, and bookmakers all over Vegas got murdered.  And by “murdered”, I mean, beaten with baseball bats and dumped into shallow graves in the desert, all because there’s no point spread high enough for a game featuring the St. Louis Rams.  Betting on Tampa, Cleveland, St. Louis, or Tampa? Fuhgeddaboudit.

Houston 24, San Francisco 21

Alex Smith almost led the 49ers back from a three touchdown deficit in a very strange game between two teams that are missing the playoffs. Smith threw three touchdown passes to Vernon Davis, and also drew the Texans offsides three times on his initial drive. Josh Morgan got two illegal motion penalties and Smith also took two delay-of-games, so
when the 49ers had the ball in the second half, no one on either team had any idea when the ball was going to be snapped.

It only took Michael Crabtree one game to exceed the total catches of
fellow rookie wide receiver Darrius Heyward-Bey of the Raiders.
Crabtree is still behind Heyward-Bey in yardage, dropped passes, and
times falling down untouched.  On the defensive side of the ball, the
49ers notched a moral victory by bruising Andre Johnson’s lung and
making him cough up blood.  If they can rupture one of Reggie Wayne’s
internal organs next week as well, they just might have a chance
against the Colts.

Green Bay 31, Cleveland 3

How bad are the Browns?  Aaron Rodgers had been sacked 25 times in five games, and Cleveland didn’t sack him once.  Rodgers had two TD passes, Ryan Grant ran for 150 yards, and converted linebacker Spencer Havner had a 45-yard touchdown reception, a play that had fans all over America saying, “Who’s that white guy?”  Meanwhile, two former Cleveland Indians pitchers will face off in Game One of the World Series on Wednesday, Delonte West is getting arrested again, Shaquille O’Neal weighs 360 pounds, and on Tuesday, things will likely get even more depressing when Ohio votes to allow casinos. Also, Derek Anderson was 12-for-29 with a 36.4 QB rating, which tells you that backup Brady Quinn must really, REALLY suck.

San Diego 37, Kansas City 7

I’m beginning to wonder if this week was like a “Scared Straight” program for struggling NFL teams.  Players that are starting to lose focus are exposed to teams like the Chiefs or the Browns, to show them the dire consequences that await if they don’t get their act together. I imagine Mike Vrabel getting in Vincent Jackson’s face after plays, screaming, “I used to catch touchdown passes in the Super Bowl! Now look at me! Bitch, you can’t beat the Broncos at home?!?”  And then Norv Turner starts to cry on the sidelines, and the Chargers all learn a valuable lesson, and they stop committing so many false start penalties, and the Chiefs still go 3-13, but they feel better about themselves.

Meanwhile, it’s amazing to me that Matt Cassel, who never started a college game, is backed up by Mat Gutierrez, who was beat out by Chad Henne at Michigan and started during only one year of Division 1-AA
football.  Don’t choose a reserve QB who never played in college when your starter never played in college either!  A.C. Green’s wife isn’t going to cheat on him with one of the Jonas Brothers!  At some point, you have to go with experience.

Indianapolis 42, St. Louis 6

When they still played in LA, my dad used to refer to this franchise as the “Lambs”. That nickname is no longer appropriate, as in my dining experience, lamb is occasionally tough.  Continuing the meat theme, at one point, an announcer referred to Peyton Manning “dissecting” the Rams’ defense.  While Manning was precise, a better metaphor would be advanced meat recovery , “a slaughterhouse process by which the last traces of usable meat are removed from bones and other carcass materials.” Your 2009 St. Louis Rams: The carcass materials of the NFL.

The most disappointed man on the field was Colts backup QB Jim Sorgi. He took his first snap of the season, handed off to Chad Simpson, saw Simpson go 31 yards for a TD, then jogged to the bench. That’ll do, Sorgi. That’ll do.

Pittsburgh 27, Minnesota 17

Last week, I predicted that outdoor, cold-weather games would lead to game-killing turnovers from Brett Favre.  While that happened this week, the interception and fumble returns weren’t really #4′s fault. It does seem like Minnesota is asking a lot in having a 40-year-old man attempt 51 passes, and absorb ten different hits, but that’s because Favre is like a kid out there.  An abused kid who needs better protection.

The Vikings couldn’t score after having first-and-goal from the one-foot line in the third quarter, even though they have Adrian Peterson.  Having a running back who can’t score in that situation is like having a porn star who’s really good at giving back massages, but can’t maintain an erection.  Either way, that’s not the guy you go to when you absolutely need to get twelve inches.

New England 35, Tampa Bay 7

The Bush Administration came under fire for its policy of rendition: moving prisoners to foreign countries, so they could be tortured without violating domestic laws.  NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell might face similar criticism after sending the Tampa Bay Buccaneers to England to get abused by the New England Patriots.  However, Josh Johnson did give up the names and locations of three high-ranking Al Qaeda officials after officials promised to remove him from the game.

New York Jets 38, Oakland 0

Mark Sanchez tried to be subtle about eating a hot dog on the bench last Sunday, but ultimately got caught, mainly because of the tell-tale mustard packet.  That’s how bad the Raiders are: opposing quarterbacks can freely eat concession stand snacks at the end of blowout victories. I hope the team doesn’t fine Sanchez; after all, eating a hot dog from the Oakland Coliseum is its own punishment. Meanwhile, JaMarcus Russell ate a big bag of dicks for Oakland, throwing two interceptions and fumbling on his own 5.

Sanchez shouldn’t worry about showing up the Raiders, because his punter did it for the whole team.  Steve Weatherford pulled off his third successful fake punt of the season, running for 16 yards on a 4th-and-7 from his own 23.  The 16-yard run didn’t lead to any points, but it did support that theory that Steve Weatherford could start at running back for the Raiders.

Buffalo 20, Carolina 9

Carolina Panthers coach John Fox could be fired at literally any moment.  At this point, I think the owner might just be waiting to do it in the most surprising fashion possible: jumping out from behind a blocking sled with a severance check, halftime cards tunt where the fans rearrange colored cards to spell “You’re Fired,” replacing the red flag with a pink slip so when Fox tries to challenge a replay call, BOOM! He’s actually fired instead.

Jake Delhomme has 13 interceptions, in a real-life NFL example of the parable of the scorpion and the frog, where the frog gives the scorpion a ride across the river, and then the scorpion signs a $20 million contract extension and keeps throwing interceptions while he’s biting the frog.  Buffalo is now a game out of the wild card, and they could feasibly be 7-4 by Week 12.  We might just see playoff football in upstate New York this year! Though with Buffalo’s luck, the game will be moved to Toronto, and Vincent Gallo’s head will explode.

Cincinnati 45, Chicago 10

This is the point in the season where Jay Cutler starts drunk-dialing Josh McDaniels and posting derisive comments on Kyle Orton’s Facebook photo albums.  I would say it reminds him of his time at Vanderbilt,
except that Vanderbilt’s lineman would provide better pass protection than Cutler is getting right now. Chad Ochocino, the most delightful player in the NFL, picked the perfect time to debut his personal iPhone app, after a 118-yard, two-touchdown day.  And finally, J.T. O’Sullivan, the pride of UC Davis, said, “In your face, Shaun Hill!” with two big rushes for a whopping nine yards in relief of Carson Palmer.  Get that man a Murder Burger!

Dallas 37, Atlanta 21

Tony Romo has a lot of weaknesses – accuracy, blonde pop singers, playoff games – but when it comes to scrambling, dodging sacks, and improvising plays, he might be the best in the NFL.  In hindsight, it looks like a no-brainer to ditch the aging Terrell Owens for a really fast young guy like Miles Austin. The next step for Dallas is to switch in a younger, more mobile owner. Or at least one with a more mobile face.

Now that Romo is running around again, sportswriters get to use the word “swashbucking” again, a rare treat for reporters who don’t cover the Raiders or Buccaneers.  It’s fun, but also subtly racist, as it implies that Romo, one of the league’s only Chicano QBs, is a Captain-Jack-Sparrow-type rum enthusiast.  Romo should embrace it; think about how much more confident “Antonio Ramiro Romo, terror of the Arlington main” would sound for a field general!

New Orleans 46, Miami 34

Drew Brees doesn’t care about wildcats!  The Saints shrugged off a 21-point deficit and ended up winning by 12.  That tells us that even a team accustomed to the hard-drinking world of Bourbon Street can still be debilitated by the party scene in South Beach for nearly a full half.

Miami again ran the ball effectively, until they…forgot to run anymore in the fourth quarter. Maybe the Saints switched Tony Sparano’s Gatordade with Hurricanes,  Ricky Williams had three TDs against his old team, which represented a career high in touchdowns, but in no way was the first time Ricky Williams scored three times in one afternoon while playing around with people from New Orleans.

Arizona 24, New York Giants 17

Eli Manning is a good quarterback, but he often has trouble playing in the cold and wind.This is especially tough because he plays at the Meadowlands, where the ghost of Jimmy Hoffa emerges to blow wobbly passes off course. So Giants fans, the team isn’t in a tailspin.They’re just trying to make sure Eli plays on the road during the playoffs.

Philadelphia 27, Washington 17

Golden Bear DeSean Jackson had rushing and receiving touchdowns, and a long punt return against the clinically depressed Washington Redskins. Cal players are pros in racking up huge statistics against inferior opponents, before coming up small in games against good teams. Luckily, the Redskins don’t have anyone from USC.

Earlier this week, the Redskins emasculated their coach by turning over play-calling duties to a guy who was delivering Meals on Wheels last week. This week, they lost their best offensive player to a broken leg, and fans booed the owner during a pregame ceremony honoring a former star. Next week they have a bye, during which Lawrence Taylor is planning to re-break Joe Thieisman’s leg. The Skins’ only comfort is that they’ll eventually get to play the Raiders, so their final record should be no worse than 3-13.

Sean Keane is a stand up comedian, writer, and sports fan based in San Francisco, Ca. He has written for ESPN the magazine, Mc Sweeney’s, and the ever popular NBA tumblr.

Bookmark to:

Hide Sites