By Comedian Sean Keane

New Orleans and New England ran up the score in huge victories, and the Eagles and Jaguars ran up their fans’ blood pressure in an exciting weekend of NFL action. The Jets ran for a ton of yardage in a loss, the Titans ran into a snowstorm and an offensive buzzsaw in New England, and the Redskins are trying to run their head coach out of town.  In addition, field goals were made and missed seemingly at
ran-dom, and a fourth-down stop by Cleveland against Pittsburgh was overruled by a referee’s decision worthy of election officials in I-ran.

Houston 28, Cincinnati 17

Matt Schaub is leading the NFL in touchdown passes. That’s kind of
like realizing that the Black Eyed Peas are the top-selling musical
act in America – it’s surprising, somewhat unsettling, and makes you
wonder if we have gotten retarded in here as a nation.  In other black
eye news, two crucial Bengals players went down with injuries.  This
is disheartening for Cincinnati’s playoff chances, but it does raise
the wonderful possibility, however remote, of Chad Ochocinco stepping
in to play defensive end.

Green Bay 26, Detroit 0

The Packers were the most discouraged 26-0 winners you’ll ever see
after this game.  Postgame comments involved offensive line injuries,
the massive sack totals, and how Green Bay settled for field goals,
not touchdowns, throughout the game.  Meanwhile, the Lions lost their
19th consecutive game in the state of Wisconsin.  That’s not 19
straight IN Green Bay; the Lions haven’t won a road game against Green
Bay since before the Packers stopped playing two games a year in
Milwaukee, back in 1994.

Minnesota 33, Baltimore 31

Another close loss and another goat for Baltimore.  Last week it was
Ray Lewis and a drive-sustaining cheap shot, this week it was kicker
Steve Hauschka missing a game-winning chip shot.  OK, it was a
pressure-filled 44-yarder, but I couldn’t resist the poetic symmetry
there.  The Ravens still look like one of the best teams in the
league, but at 3-3, they probably aren’t even making the playoffs.
There’s seven loseable games left on the schedule, and they
realistically have to win five of them.  Meanwhile, Brett Favre faces
only three more cold-weather games this year, and only one after
November 1, which should mean no heart-breaking multi-interception
games until after Christmas.

Jacksonville 23, St. Louis 20 (OT)

A three-point overtime win at home against St. Louis is only slightly
more respectable than a 41-0 road loss to the Seahawks, and if the
Jags had blown it, I think Jack Del Rio might have been fired before
he reached the locker room.  As it stands, Jacksonville gets a bye,
then faces six winnable games in a row.  They’re right on track to
sneak into the last wild-card spot, and then lose to New England by 35
points in the first round.  As for the Rams, they made a bold move in
the race for the #1 pick in the draft by trading a starting linebacker
for  fifth- and sixth-round picks.  Your move, Tampa Bay!

New Orleans 48, New York Giants 27

Eli Manning played his first game in the Superdome, where his father
played most of his career.  Manning honored his father’s legacy of
constant losing in New Orleans by throwing an interception and losing
a fumble, helping to ensure the Giants’ defeat.  It looks like Peyton
Manning will be Drew Brees’s competition for the MVP award, and since
the Saints don’t play the Colts this year, Brees had to beat up on Eli
in Peyton’s stead.  This sets up a Super Bowl matchup where Brees can
lead a touchdown drive while cackling like Judge Doom in ‘Who Framed
Roger Rabbit’ – “Peyton, when I killed your brother’s chances at
home-field advantage, I passed Just. Like. This!”

Pittsburgh 27, Cleveland 14

The Steelers again couldn’t be bothered to properly put away an
opponent, but it didn’t matter since said opponent was the Cleveland
Browns.  QB Derek Anderson completed 9 of 24 passes and it was a huge
improvement, like when your toddler only pees his pants instead of
crapping in them.  After the game, he spoke for Cleveland players,
fans, and poor comedians who have to write about this horrible team
every week when he said, “We put tons of hours in and … it’s
frustrating. Every single week, it’s frustrating.”

Carolina 28, Tampa Bay 21

Carolina has squeaked by the Redskins and Buccaneers in consecutive weeks, asserting their claim to being the Best of the NFL’s Worst. They stand among other horrible teams, but they stand very slightly,almost imperceptively above them. Related unimpressive titles:

- Cleanest Hipster
- Kansas City Royals Team MVP
- Chairman of the Republican National Committee.
- Lead Guitarist of Creed
- Red Ribbon Winner In That Beer Competition Where Pabst Won The Blue Ribbon

Kansas City 14, Washington 6

Before this game, Washington cornerback DeAngelo Hall said, “You’re
facing teams that ain’t won a game. We gave Detroit their first win.
We gave Carolina their first win. We can’t give Kansas City their
first win.”  This was when I knew that Washington was going to lose.
Meanwhile, Coach Jim Zorn managed to escape firing for another week,
though he lost his play-calling responsibilities.  Since he can’t get
Mike Shanahan to take over, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder is choosing
to humiliate his current coach, rather than replace him.  By Week 10,
Zorn will have no offensive, defensive, special-teams, or clock
management responsibilities, but will still be forced to roam the
sidelines wearing a woman’s dress, a pig snout, and a dunce cap.

Oakland 13, Philadelphia 9

Bad performance by Philadelphia, but they were playing three time
zones away from home, and their left tackle was injured in the first
quarter.  Surely, this was a defensible loss?  No. No it was not. They
were playing the OAKLAND RAIDERS, a team that was down 24 points at
halftime last week, a team that is quarterbacked by JAMARCUS RUSSELL,
who was completing 42% of his passes going into Sunday’s game, a team
whose head coach is facing a felony assault prosecution.  Actually,
maybe that was the key – Andy Reid felt sympathetic to Tom Cable’s
legal woes because of his own kids, and that’s why he refused to call
any running plays.

Donovan McNabb and Reid continued their tradition of clock
mismanagement, with McNabb attempting to call a non-existent timeout
in the second quarter, and Reid inexplicably calling timeout two
seconds ahead of the two-minute warning in the fourth quarter.

Arizona 27, Seattle 3

This clash of NFC West “powers” was out of reach so early that Matt
Leinart got to play, completing both his passes and running for a
yard.  In a related story, Arizona’s center has contracted herpes from
having Leinart’s hands close to his groin.

New England 59, Tennessee 0

After a former assistant coach beat the Pats last week in Denver, Tom
Brady and Bill Belichick clearly had something to prove, and took it
out on the poor Titans.  Tennessee has a bye week, and Jeff Fisher
will likely spend it on suicide watch, being kept far away from sharp
objects, ropes, and safety Chris Hope.  How did other teams spend
their bye weeks in Week 6?

Indianapolis: Coach Jim Caldwell and owner Robert Irsay bet a dollar
that they could sign a vagrant, chosen at random, and by Week 7, have
him catch two TD passes from Peyton Manning. (This is also how Pierre
Garcon joined the team last year.)  It is unclear whether Irsay and
Caldwell will also attempt to turn Reggie Wayne into a homeless man.

Miami: Ricky Williams used medicinal marijuana and his holistic
medicine training to tame an actual wildcat, which will take a few
snaps at QB next week for the Dolphins.

49ers: Linebacker Patrick Willis held Michael Crabtree down while the
team ran by and hit him with bar of soap stuffed inside tube socks, as
punishment for his extended holdout.  Crabtree is expected to either
be in the starting lineup next week, or in the bathroom, cleaning a
rifle and babbling incoherently.

Dallas: Coach Wade Phillips sat in his office weeping, naked, with the
lights out, for the full seven days.

Buffalo 16, New York Jets 13 (OT)

The Mark Sanchez honeymoon era is officially over in East Rutherford,
and New York wins the award for Most Shameful Loss of the Week,
narrowly edging out Philadelphia and Tennessee.  Perhaps Rex Ryan is
too accustomed to working as a defensive coordinator, and doesn’t
realize he has the power to do things like call timeouts, or take out
his quarterback after he throws his fourth interception.  That’s how
you lose while rushing for over 300 yards and playing the godawful
Buffalo Bills.  Ryan should make Sanchez practice throwing the ball in
windy conditions, but it’s unclear if he realizes he has the authority
to do so.

Atlanta 21, Chicago 14

Matt Forte wins the Earnest Byner Award this week for Incompetence in
Goal-Line Running. In the third quarter, Forte lost the ball on
first-and-goal from the 1, recovered his own fumble, and then fumbled
again on the very next play.  Matt Forte, there’s an old saying in
Chicago – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Chicago – that says,
Fumble once, shame on – shame on you. Fumble twice – you can’t get
fooled again!

Denver 34, San Diego 23

The San Diego Chargers are the Notre Dame of the NFL.  They’re always
overhyped.  Their team is ostensibly stocked with talent, but they
never win anything important. Both the Chargers and the Irish are
coached by so-called offensive geniuses who get shut down when they
play against anyone good.  Notre Dame plays in a bowl game every year,
thanks to their cream puff schedule of Stanford, Purdue, and the
service academies.  San Diego makes the playoffs every year thanks to
two games each against the Raiders and Chiefs.  Considering how
mediocre they are, both teams are on NBC way too much.  San Diego
needs to either fire Norv Turner, or accept their role as NFL Notre
Dame and trade for Brady Quinn.

Sean Keane is a stand up comedian, writer, and sports fan based in San Francisco, Ca. He has written for ESPN the magazine, Mc Sweeney’s, and the ever popular NBA tumblr.