Chicago Bears 48, Detroit Lions 24

Jermaine O’Neal versus that fat fan who ran onto the court during the Pacers-Pistons brawl.  Miguel Cabrera versus his wife.  And now Bears-Lions has followed the Detroit tradition of one-sided fights. The Lions got in a few licks and spun Jay Cutler around on his touchdown run, but ultimately, the cops would be cuffing the Bears and taking then away after this NFC North domestic dispute.

Cincinnati Bengals 23, Cleveland Browns 20

The Browns forced overtime with a miraculous blocked extra point, but still lost in overtime when they let Carson Palmer run for 15 yards on a 4th-and-11 in OT.  Palmer has had entire seasons where he ran for less yardage than that.Not content to just ruin football in Cleveland, Braylon Edwards punched a friend of LeBron James on Sunday night, increasing the chances that LeBron will sign with the Nets next summer.

New England Patriots 27, Baltimore Ravens 21

Baltimore was driving for a go-ahead score with 28 seconds remaining when receiver Mark Clayton dropped a fourth-down pass inside the ten. Clayton apologized to his team for letting them down, but he should apologize to the entire anti-Masshole community of America. Afterward, the Ravens complained
at length about the referees, because that is something that championship teams do.

San Francisco 35, St. Louis Rams 0

The 49ers deliver their first shutout in seven years, in a game where Patrick Willis looked like he could have held the Rams to 14 just going 1-on-11.  Mike Singletary has transformed the 49ers with tough, authoritative leadership, which is the first instance of tough leadership in San Francisco in at least 25 years.  He’s an unusual fit for a city where confrontation comes in the form of a sarcastic Yelp review.  SF loves Singletary’s no-nonsense style, even though your typical San Franciscan lacks the toughness to kick a homeless guy out of a cafe.As for the Rams, things couldn’t get worse, right?

Indianapolis Colts 34, Seattle Seahawks 17

Watching Peyton Manning play quarterback is like watching your friend play a video game on Easy mode.  Only this year, it’s like one of those games where the game manufacturer only licensed that one star’s name, so the rest of the players have generic fake names like “Austin Collie” or “Donald Brown”. Seattle tried to counter Manning’s audibles by giving him the silent treatment; resorting to non-verbal defensive
signals. This is perhaps the first example of a passive-aggressive defensive scheme in NFL history.  Next week, Coach Jim Mora, Jr. plans to start a slam book about Jacksonville coach Jack Del Rio, and exclude David Garrard from his birthday party, even though all the other NFL QBs are invited. Mora would be perfect in San Francisco!

Houston Texans 29, Oakland Raiders 6

The early doubleheader on the West Coast featured Raiders-Texans on CBS, and this game on FOX.  You might never see a greater disparity in QB skill between Peyton Manning and JaMarcus Russell.  It was like having “The Godfather” and “Daddy Day Care” on neighboring movie channels. Actually, Jeff Garlin would be a better QB option than Russell right now, even if he was dressed as a carrot.

New York Giants 27, Kansas City Chiefs 16

If Eli Manning’s foot injury is serious, Giants fans can ret easy, knowing David Carr is already in midseason form.  Midseason form for David Carr, that is; he took an 11-yard sack.  WR Steve Smith of the Giants has over twice as many yards and receptions – and four more touchdowns – than Steve Smith of the Panthers, which is almost as surprising as learning that Fox analyst Jimmy Johnson was leading the Chase for the Cup.

Washington Redskins 16, Tampa Bay Buccaneers 13

Washington has barely beaten both Tampa and the Rams at home, making them the weakest 2-2 team in the league.  Bucs-Redskins, Redskins-Lions, and Raiders-Chiefs have all felt like nerd fights put on for the enjoyment of the better, more popular NFL teams.  ”Jason Campbell, why are you hitting yourself?” For Tampa, Aqib Talib had three INTs, the most impressive performance by a Talib since the Reflection Eternal album.

Jacksonville Jaguars 37, Tennessee Titans 17

It was 27-3 at halftime, at which point Kerry Collins called his agent to ask, “How much of my new contract is guaranteed?”  It appears that the rest of the player senjoyed orange slices and Kudos bars at halftime, because the second half followed AYSO “Everyone Plays” rules.  19 different players caught passes, and Ernest Wilford played the entire fourth quarter even though he spent most of his time picking dandelions.

New Orleans Saints 24, New York Jets 10

Darren Sharper had almost as many interception return yards than the Jets had passing yards.  He got his tenth career INT touchdown return, which passed Deion Sanders for second on the all-time list.  Sharper celebrated by talking about Michael Crabtree’s contract and recording a duet with MC Hammer. Kardashian-mate update for Laker fans: Reggie Bush reunited with Kim Kardashian after the Lamar Odom wedding.  This week, he rushed for 37 yards and lost a fumble.

Miami Dolphins 38, Buffalo Bills 10

It was Comeback Week for the Bills.  Marshawn Lynch returned from his suspension and assured fans that he was “Still me. Still same ol’ G.”Then he was hated on by the Miami defense, most of whom had no cheese, no deals and no G’s, as well as those with no wheels, no keys, no boats, no snowmobiles, and no skis.  Terrell Owens returned from last week’s catchless game, which marked the least attention anyone paid to TO since the premiere of his reality show.  None of that mattered because Miami rushed for 250 yards. Understatement of the week from Bills DE Ryan Denney: “Those 30- and 40-yard runs add up quickly.”

Denver Broncos 17, Dallas Cowboys 10

It’s not often that you can pinpoint the exact moment when a coach loses his job, but it happened when Champ Bailey knocked down Tony Romo’s last pass in the end zone.  That moment has to be extra painful
for Wade Phillips, since Denver already fired him once.  The main reason for the loss was Dallas’s awful tackling, but still, coaches need to treat Champ Bailey like a cockblocker – avoid him entirely if you’re trying to score.  By contrast, Terence Newman was pretty much Brandon Marshall’s wingman on his game-winning touchdown.

Pittsburgh Steelers 38, San Diego Chargers 28

The defending champion Steelers have one crucial weakness: having an enormous lead.  It’s not clear whether this is due to problems in the running game, or the team easing up on defense with a lead, but every Sunday, the Steelers seem to play like the villainous favorite in an inspirational sports movie.  Pittsburgh takes a big lead on their rag-tag, ne’er-do-well opponents, until they learn to play as a team
thanks to an inspirational halftime speech from their down-on-his-luck coach who has been redeemed by the love of a good woman.  That, or the Waterboy suited up for San Diego in the  fourth quarter.

Minnesota Vikings 30, Green Bay Packers 23

The game was close, but ultimately Brett Favre triumphed against his own team, thanks to eight sacks by Minnesota.  Eight sacks!  The offensive line really let Aaron Rodgerd down.  This game was like an
awkward double date with Rodgers, his girlfriend, her ex-fiancee, and the ex’s new wife, only Aaron’s girlfriend drank way too much wine and threw up on him before the appetizers even arrived.  Meanwhile, no one else in the restaurant can stop talking about the ex-fiance – will he order dessert?  What about coffee? What if he changes his mind? – even as Aaron holds his girl’s hair back while she pukes, and Jared Allen punches him in the ribs.   This is a strained analogy, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if the Green Bay offensive line was drunk-dialing Favre all night long on Monday.

Sean Keane is a stand up comedian, writer, and sports fan based in San Francisco, Ca. He has written for ESPN the magazine, Mc Sweeney’s, and the ever popular NBA tumblr.