I’m glad I’m not the new guy
Well, I am. New girl, technically. But, at least I’m not that new guy.
At lunchtime today, apparently Rick (the aforementioned new guy) accidentally took someone else’s sandwich from the fridge. A forgivable crime.
I fear that I may have pulled the wrong sandwich from the fridge today for lunch. If this is the case, I am SO SORRY and please let me know who you are so I can make it right.
Rick (the new guy)
It happens. Unfortunately, it also happens that the guy whose sandwich was taken was comedian Alex Koll. And Alex Koll’s sandwich ain’t nothin’ to fuck wit.
It was in fact my sandwich that was mistakenly taken from the fridge. I applaud the bravery, wisdom and resolve necessary to rise to the occasion and lay bare your transgression. Upon inspection of the sandwich you left in its place, I can understand the mistake: they are in fact eerily similar sandwiches. They are both turkey, both on wheat, both feature a stone-ground mustard. The bisecting cut and the maroon accents (cranberry?) is where your sandwich diverges from mine, and (along with the absence of jack cheese) are the very details that alerted me to the mix-up.
All this being said, you have taken something I loved and I understand both our need for closure to make this right. So, as per your wishes, I present a thorough list of demands to serve as reparations for the innocent, yet offending act. These demands have been culled from a pool of data painstakingly researched with the most up to date crowdsourcing techniques. They are as follows:
1. Piggy-back ride.
3. Must wear an eye patch with one googly-eye on it.
4. Wear a crown that says “Mimosa King” on it with a picture of a dolphin all day once a month, FOREVER, even at home.
5. Wear the same That Sucks t-shirt for a month.
6. Choreographed dance to ringtone.
7. Create and market a fragrance that smells like the interior of Lee’s Deli.
8. Serve as court “taster” of dubious items in fridge for one week
If, after review and negotiation, none of these items are deemed satisfactory, I will accept your original sandwich as repayment. As the Code Of Hammurabi states “עין תחת עין“ or, “An Eye For an Eye, a lunch for a lunch.”
I tried to fit the phrase “Turkey Burglar” into this somehow, but failed.