Point/Counterpoint: Happy Hanukkah! vs Uuggghhhh
Ed. Note: As a holiday gift to all loyal reader of the RooftopBlog, Emily H herself has single handily brought back from the dead Point/Counterpoint (much like Lazarus). It’s probably going to be a one time thing though, so uh, don’t get comfortable. Regardless. Here’s Emily H, and her stomach.
Point: Happy Hanukkah!
by Emily Heller
Happy Hanukkah everybody! In honor of the season, I thought I’d share with you my latke recipe!
Now for those of you who don’t know, latkes (LOTT-kuhz) are a traditional type of potato pancake eaten by Jewish people. My dad taught me how to make them. While they are time intensive, they are delicious and totally worth it.
Get these things together: 6 potatoes, flour, 1 or 2 eggs, onions, oil, salt, pepper, apple sauce, sour cream.
The recipe is pretty simple – grate up a bunch of potatoes into a bowl. Try to pour out the extra moisture or pat it with a towel. Mix in some eggs, flour (Matzoh meal if you’re going to be traditional), salt, pepper, and grated onions. Garlic too, if you like. Make sure the onions are grated or chopped really fine so they don’t screw up the consistency of the batter. Mix by hand. It feels gross. Add in flour til it gets a nice consistency for making patties.
Meanwhile, heat up some vegetable oil in a pan until it’s real hot. You’ll know it’s ready when you drop a small piece of something in there and it immediately starts bubbling and crackling like crazy.
Grab a small handful of the mixture and smoosh it down into a patty. Then carefully drop it into the oil. Flip when golden brown. When it’s done, remove it from the oil and place on a paper towel or cheese cloth to absorb some of the extra oil. Serve with apple sauce and sour cream and it is so amazing.
Latkes are traditional for Hanukkah because it’s a celebration of when some people were locked in a temple or something and they had to make a small amount of oil last for eight days and it did and it was a miracle! So the oil that you cook the latkes in represents God’s love and miracles!
Normally my dad makes latkes on Christmas morning. But my parents are watching their weight this year, so I had to make myself as many latkes as I could handle this weekend. Making latkes for friends is good too because it gives you a chance to talk about the meaning of the holiday. Also, everyone loves latkes. Happy Hanukkah!
Hey Emily: FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR LATKES. Why did you have to eat twenty latkes this weekend? Explain. I know you tried to, but try again. Because your parents being on weight watchers does NOT justify eating that much deep fried potato smothered in sour cream. And seriously? Dinner on Saturday AND lunch on Sunday? Are you crazy? That’s like eating only french fries for every meal.
Hello, brain? This is the stomach. WHAT WERE YOU DOING?? Hanukkah didn’t even start until Sunday night!
I am dying here. There is so much oil up in me right now. Were you not looking at the bottle of canola while you were cooking? It’s half gone. Absorbed into the potatoes. Where did you think all that oil went? Also, I think the sour cream was sitting out for too long. You should look into that.
OH, and that smell? Are you wondering what that smell is? Oh in case you were wondering, that’s the smell of latke farts. That’s what happens when you eat twenty latkes in 24 hours. But when you explain it to your coworkers you can just call it “the Holiday Spirit.” I’m sure they’ll understand.
It’s time to be honest, Emily: You’ve never been to Hebrew school. You didn’t tell anyone the meaning of Hanukkah. You didn’t even light the menorah. You just wanted an excuse to publicly gorge on deep fried food. And now, I have to pay for it. So, fuck you. Fuck you and fuck your stupid latkes. I’m gonna go make you puke or diarrhea now. I haven’t decided which.