Chris Versus Will, Point/Counterpoint (for our immortal souls)
I for one have been waiting a long time for this. I’m almost irrationally excited for this week’s Point/Counterpoint. PCP veterans Will (Of Heidi Klum is the lifeblood of Project Runway fame) and Chris (Of Mash-ups are cute fame) meet in what I am expecting to be an apocalyptic Point/Counterpoint that could seal the fate of the known universe. Or save it? Because when Armageddon comes, the battle won’t be between God and Satan, the battle will be between Air Guitar, and Guitar Hero. I know I’ve spoken in much hyperbole before, but this time the stakes are unbelievably higher than before. May God have mercy on our souls.
Guitar Hero: Wimps need not apply
When you’re ready to unleash your inner rock star, there’s really only one option: Guitar Hero. This epic simulation of guitar greatness is a face melting combination of button-smashing, whammy-bar shaking, solo-crunching awesomeness. Air guitar is a bunch of candy-ass sissies in neon spandex, prancing around the stage like a bunch of back-up ballerinas.
The way I see it, air guitar is like rocking out 1.0 It’s the simplest, most basic form of rocking out to tunes. It may be fun, but it requires no skill whatsoever. First and foremost, you are a guitarist. All the fancy splits and jumps are just icing on the cake. You can’t get a crowd behind you if you don’t kick out some crazy jams. With no musical talent to back up all the costumes and choreographed bullshit, you just look like a poser. Kind of like the Insane Clown Posse. You’re a gimmick.
Guitar Hero takes rocking out to the next level by making you prove your skills. Instead of spastically flailing your fingers in the air like an idiot, you have to try to hit a specific spots (almost like notes) and stay in rhythm like a real guitarist would. If you mess up, everyone’s gonna know. Guitar Hero provides accurate feedback about how much you rock. Air guitar? Not so much. If you get enough white trash in one room, they’ll cheer for anything.
Guitar Hero also provides you with the ability to jam out with your buddies. It’s a great activity for the weekends. Crack a couple brews and rock out. You can go head to head and battle it out, or run in co-op mode and make the ladies take notice. Either way, it’s guaranteed good times. Air guitar……hmmmm. I guess you can crack open the beers, but make sure you don’t get too sauced; you don’t want to end up with crooked lines in your costume. Also, your mom won’t let you use her sewing machine if you have beer on your breath, it’s too dangerous!
Air guitarists of the world take note: when you go on stage, they’re not cheering FOR you, they’re laughing AT you.
Guitar Hero? Guitar Zero.
It’s 1:00 a.m. You’re having a great time hanging with your buds. You’re seven beers in. That epic tune you haven’t heard in ages rises from the darkest depths of Mordor, erupts from the juke, and begins pummeling your very soul with its melodic greatness. What do you do?
Option A: Say to your friends, “Hey gang, let’s go play Guitar Hero! We can take turns watching each other standing in front of the TV tapping away at little toy. Don’t know it? It’s like Dance Dance Revolution, but with even neater music!” (See exhibit A)
Make this selection if you’re into trading cards, Pokémon or own a T-shirt that reads “I logged out for this?”
Option B: 1) Remove Air Guitar from Air Case. 2) Close eyes and begin channeling those tasty riffs from the rock-and-roll ether. 3) Commence your virtuosic Air shredding, for the Shadowy Lord of Rock rides with you tonight.
From its humble barroom beginnings, in recent years Air Guitar performance art has gained widespread acceptance as a potent extension of the very essence of Rock. Air Guitar detractors (timid, closeted Air Guitarists themselves) gripe that Air Guitar requires no skill. These are claims made by those who have yet to witness the likes of “PuzzyFuzzbourne The Prostitute of Rock” or Tim “Glen Airy Glen Rocks” Evans mount the stage and annihilate an audience of screaming thousands with a wall of brutal Air metal. No permission from the parents to stay up late in the rec room, no USB cables, and no plastic whammy bars required.
To our Point/CounterPoint readers I ask: whether you throw the horns on the pro-Air circuit, or occasionally obliterate an Air audience with your sweet guitar licks while driving in your car, do you need to load up a video game when you’re Ready to Rock?